l gin and tacos: The Mustache Competition

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Click here to see an account of the weeks leading up to the competition



The Night of The Competition

You people have seen the whole sorted affair-both the ups, the downs, AND the highs and the lows. You have seen several proud competitors displaying their mustache growth. You have seen me place my soul and upper lip out into the public domain for ridicule or praise.

Well, the night finally arrived. My beard had been allowed to grow for as long as possible, my balms and oils had arrived, my costume assembled, and a straight razor procured. This is going to be as close to a commentary as I can possibly give to you. Of course, being a competitor I was often in the “Green Room” (upstairs), or otherwise indisposed with the minutia that takes up most of a mustache competition competitor’s time. (going to the bathroom, getting more beer, freezing ass off behind stage)

Here is a quick summary of things that I had to do throughout the course of the day to prepare (all will become clear shortly).

  • Go to Goodwill, buy short shorts. (and Cyndi Lauper record)
  • Go to surplus store, decide there is nothing good there, leave.
  • Find out where "Scout Shop" is.
  • Get lost trying to find "Scout Shop," have to stop at post office to ask for directions.
  • Find "Scout Shop," tell elaborate lie to the Boy Scouts of America to make purchases. (At this point Valerie and I thought we had gone too far)
  • Buy shirt at K-Mart.
  • Go back to surplus store, buy random sundries.

Well, without further ado, step 1:

Shaving the scraggly beard into a mustache.


If you have never grown a beard, you probably have no idea how incredibly complicated this is. Well, I suppose you could just hack it off, but then you are going to be dealing with days worth of the worst razor burn that you can imagine. I decided to go with a three-pronged approach. First I used this absurdly small scissors (thanks go out to Todd Reising whose generous birthday gift of a mustache grooming kit helped immensely). Second I used the straight razor with the safety guard on. Finally, I coupled the oils and creams with the straight razor to remove the remaining hair.

Well, there is it, the mustache in its full competition glory (actually I think I trimmed it up a bit more before the competition). For whatever reason, I felt a fair bit dirtier with the goatee than with the mustache, who would have known? More to the point, you will notice only one minor cut on my chin. I am quite proud of that. The balms and oils must accept responsibility for this accomplishment.

So now we can get past the swarthy half-naked pictures of me and get on to step 2:

The First Elimination Round of The Competition.

The last minute costuming is done, beers have been consumed, and nerves are beginning to kick in. All the competitors are instructed to go upstairs and listen to the rules of the game. This is the first elimination round. The first round entails walking downstairs out onto the stage introducing yourself to the audience and judges and answering the ever important question. “What is the largest problem facing the mustache today?”

Some answers were:

  • ”The new four blade razor.”
  • ”The goatee”
  • ”The use of the mustache for evil instead of good.” (ie: Hitler or Burt Reynolds)
  • ”The lack of respect for mustaches.”
  • ”Dirty Hippies!”
  • And paraphrasing Juan Valdez …The Colombian mustache is constantly facing nuclear destruction at the hands of the Somolians due to Somolian envy of the Latin American mustache.

The Competitors. In fairness, these photos were taken at the end of the round, but this was the only time that all the competitors were on the same stage.

Mark Newton

Mark Newton is presented here in all his mustachioed glory. He wears a mustache exceptionally well. He almost looks natural, as though it were a true statement of fashion. He was going for a game show host persona. With the greasy hair, jacket and mustache I should say he was doing a marvelous job. Unfortunately for Mark, the judges did not agree with me and this is his last appearance.

Mike Rieger & Ryan Walker

The two competitors shown here are Mike Rieger who we have seen before (left) and Ryan Walker (right) who is new to this page. Ryan is obviously a pirate, I think that he was going for the pirate from “Pirates of the Caribbean” but I am not sure. To the best of my knowledge the only time Captain Jack Sparrow from that movie was intoxicated was when stranded on the island. Oh well. To understand Mike, you really would have had to be there. He was Juan Valdez of Folgers coffee fame. His performance was nearly perfect. (perhaps due to his inherent "Colombianism, perhaps not- the world will never know)

Mike Murphy & Barney

On the left we have Mike Murphy (owner of Mike and Molly’s) and on the right is Barney (an originator of the Pi-Omega-Omega “bar fraternity” which sponsors the event). Due to their inside connections, it is fairly clear that both of these competitors might have a leg up on the competition. Only time will tell. Mike Murphy did a good job portraying an officer of the law. During the first round he made a fine showing making disparaging comments about hippies, and impressing on the audience the fact that they should not smoke weed on his beer garden.

Barney seemed to be in character as…well…Barney. Although, Barney is a character in and of himself. Perhaps someday in the future children will adorn themselves with fake mustaches and dress as him for Halloween.



And now we come to me.

I decided that my only hope for improvement over last years mustache competition was, if possible, to be even dirtier. It was clear that the only possible way that this could be achieved would be for me to wear the esteemed uniform of the Boy Scouts of America.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but my protrayal of the “Boy Scout Troop Leader” was more than a little irreverent and laced with innuendo. Oftentimes, not even really innuendo. Of course, a man with a dirty mustache and a boy scout uniform really leaves the audience to draw their own conclusions- I merely helped them on their way to those conclusions... a lot.

step 3:

The Second Elimination Round of The Competition.



After the first round, 10 people were chosen from all the competitors. Everyone involved had to walk onto the stage together and wait and hope that their name would be called indicating that they had moved on to the semi-finals. If you have the misfortune of losing at that stage in the game, you are handed a disposable razor coupled with the obvious implication that you should promptly give up on your mustache until next year. Despite the fact that this razor is cheap and probably dull, you are honor-bound to remove your mustache with it, perhaps in the bar bathroom.

While the round previous the questions where given to the competitors in advance, the semi-finals added an element of spontaneity. All those who remained on stage and razor-less had to step forward in turn and answer a question drawn from a hat.

Here are some examples-

Question: Other than your mustache, what’s the hairiest thing you have ever had on your upper lip?

From Left to Right:
  • This Fellow, I am not sure of his name, said something about a snake bite, removed his shirt, and seemed to imply that his back was the hairiest thing he had ever had on his upperlip. No, I am not sure about the logistics of this.
  • Juan Valdez (aka: Mike Reiger) examined the many reasons he had for coming to the United States. But, he finished by proclaiming that in the least offensive of ways he came here for "the bitches." I think the general implication is clear. However, was he coming here to get away from hairy Colombian women, or to find hairy American women....I am not sure.
  • I, using exceptionally tactfull innuendo of course, mentioned something about some boy scouts, the tent, and a squirrel.

Question:

If it weren't for your mustache, what reason would you have to go on living?What is your mustache's greatest accomplishment?
Again, from left to right.

  • "My wife and kids." -of which he has none
  • "Pillaging, Plundering, Raking?" -you see, he was a pirate

  • "Dusting Cookies" -much like the announcer, I have no idea what this means
  • Yes, these are women, the woman playing the mustache answered: "liberating myself from the upper lip."-women in a mustache competition, what a disgrace



Well, so much for round 2, the only thing remaining is the final elimination, and the finals to take place in step 4:

The Finals.

The competition is nearly over. If you lose at this point, you are handed your razor, but you can take some consolation in the fact that you will also be taking home a can of Sweet Sue’s Canned Chicken(tm). No, I am not sure how canned chicken relates to mustaches, but it is a traditional prize. I am sure someday I will find out why- if we assume that someone is going to corner me and refuse to accept: “No.” as an answer to the question: “Hey, do you want to know…?” Anyway, more to the point, you know you can walk away at this juncture with pride. However, this is the talent round. This is where you mustache is truly allowed to shine.

The Finalists: (yes, I am there too)

The Talents:

Mike, playing as we all know at this point in time, Juan Valdez, displayed a truly frightening talent. He ceremoniously tossed his hat. Then with the energy of a man possessed removed the lid from the top of his canister of Folgers coffee and threw it to the expectant crowd. Then in one fell swoop, removed the “Folgers Freshness Seal” (tm) plunged his hand into the container and removed a handful of coffee. He then proceeded to consume the grounds in a way that would bring pride to all Colombians. Ryan was a pirate. He had some sort of talent that involved calling a man and a woman onto the stage, then laying down. I honestly have no idea what was going on. I was standing in the back confused. I think this might have been something sexual, but I am not sure. If any of you have any theories on what he was doing, please let me know. Thank you.
Barney clearly intended to get to the finals. When called to the microphone, he removed a piece of paper from his suit coat pocket and proceeded to read a mustache epic poem. I however was sitting in the back preparing to go on, so unfortunately don’t remember any of this fine verse. If anyone can tell me what any of it was, I will promptly update this site to include it. This is the first time that this man has been pictured here. He was going for some kind of man-boy mustache. I am not sure what was happening with it, but it certainly made the judges happy. For his talent, he sang “I’m a little teapot” in ways I had never seen it sung before. Namely, by a man... with a mustache... on stage.
Yes, this is my website. There is nothing wrong with me putting up two pictures of myself. This is really the climax of my little story here. I have shown you the growth of my beard, explained to you my trials and tribulations and now, here I am, in the finals of “Mr. Mustache 2004.” I was just happy to have gotten there.

So, now I needed to show the audience everything that my mustache I could do. After a long introduction indicating all the talents a boy scout could theoretically show to the audience. (ie: dutch oven cookery, stick whittling ect.) I decided to demonstrate my very special boy scout troop leader knot- “the binder.” (made up on the spot, actually just a regular knot) To add emphasis, I decided to belt out the end of the Star Spangled Banner as I worked. Hell, I don’t know if it happened or not, but I felt I lifted everybody’s spirits a bit higher in that moment.

The Results:


Now the competition is over, there was nothing left to do but feel releived, go upstairs, get another beer and relax. Whatever happens now, I am proud of myself.

So here is how it broke down:

Fourth: Thoraxx- That's me

Third: Double Down- That's Ryan

Second: Bravo- Thats Mike

And Mr Mustache 2004!

Moose (aka: Barney)



Don't worry about me, I am happy with my fourth place finish. In the fast-paced world of competitive mustache growth, your only real competitor is yourself- right? I did better than my trip to the semi-finals last year, so for that I am proud. To celebrate I went up to the bartender and asked him to recommend to me a good, “I just got fourth place in a mustache competition beer.” He gave me a Guinness. That seemed about right.





To add some closure to this story, here is a short montage of pictures showing me enjoying my prizes. (A wife-beater t-shirt, Moses action figure, and canned chicken-actually displayed is pasta I made from it) I can only assume from the fact that I did not get a disposable razor that the judges beleive me to be worthy of keeping my mustache!

Now I would like to take this time to thank the official mustache competition page photographer, and general partner in crime for me throughout all of this, Valerie Deisinger.




Erik Martin's Sweet Sue's Mustache Competition Chicken Pasta:

1 can sweet sue's canned chicken (preferably won at a mustache competition)
1/2 lb smoked sausage
1/2 lb dried farfalle pasta
1 ear sweet corn
1/3 cup frozen small sweet peas
1 Habenero pepper
1/3 cup heavy cream
3 tbs sundried tomatoes
white wine vinager ground pepper
unsalted butter
olive oil

Slice sausage, finely dice habenero, and tomatoes. Remove kernells from the ear of corn. Oh, and open the can of sweet sue's. And if you are a true idiot, remember to boil the pasta. Add the sausage and frozen peas to preheated oil and butter (about 2 tbs and 1.5 tbs respectively) and allow to saute without stirring for a few minutes. (or until sausage begins to brown) If your peas are really small or not that frozen keep them out for a while. Now, add the sweet corn, habenero and tomatoes. Allow to cook on high heat for about another 3 minutes of so tossing often. As corn begins to get tender, add canned chicken and white wine vinager and allow to reduce. (about 3 minutes) Once vinager has reduced about 80%, add cooked pasta along with a dash of the water. Add cream, toss through the pasta, and allow to thicken over lower heat. Salt and pepper to taste.

lets be fair I was a bit intoxicated (on life of course) when I was making this I very well might be forgetting something I did.



Posted by Thoraxx on April 27th, 2004 11:06 PM | Post comments here for the mustache diaries