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PUNISHMENT FOR SHOPLIFTING

The rumors are true. I'm getting married.

I understand that this is hard to believe on about 30 different levels. Believe me, I am as confused as you are. But let's not question it too much and just sort of accept it on faith.

STATE OF DENIAL

I cannot lie to myself or any of you. I don't give a shit that Michael Bay is directing it. I don't care that the kid in the trailer is wearing a Strokes t-shirt. And I don't care that I'm 28.

Now that they've released a decent trailer, I'm really fuckin' excited to see this.

CATEGORY: WORST RAP BY A WHITE GIRL

Today's No-Politics Friday (tm) topic requires YOU - Time Magazine Person of the Year that you are - to cast votes and settle an important debate.

A hundred years from now when historians cast their backward glances at the time period in which we live, I fear that they will be unable to determine the worst, most embarassing Rap Performance By a White Girl. Hopefully they can find this post and use your votes to guide them.

The Contenders

1. Blondie, "Rapture" - This literally makes blood come out of my ears. It sounds like the mom from Malcom in the Middle being forced to rap at gunpoint. Since Edison's wax cylinders made audio recording practical more than a century ago, I am not sure that anything more awkward has ever been committed to tape.

2. Madonna, "American Life" - The first time someone emailed me the lyrics to the "rap" segment of this "song" I was convinced it was either a joke, incorrect, or a Weird Al Yankovic song. It absolutely blows my mind that they not only recorded this but subsequently listened to it and said "Yup, sounds good!" rather than burning the tape. And then they went a step further and said "Sounds like a single to me!" What. The. Fuck. We always knew Esther the Kabbalist was a talentless whore, but come on.

I'm digging on the isotopes

This metaphysics shit is dope

And if all this can give me hope

Hold on, I have to go kill myself.

3. Gwen Stefani, "Orange County Girl" - Unbelievably, this is probably the least painful of these three songs. Think about that for a minute. Objectively, her "flow" is about as smooth as an El Camino with square wheels barreling through a minefield. But next to Blondie she sounds like Dr. fuckin' Dre. And her ridiculous lyrics read like the greatest poem ever written when compared to "American Life." Regardless, when this Robber Baroness of Black Culture finally dies the coroner will list the cause of death as "God fixing a mistake."

So who wins? I realize that no one "wins" in situations like this, but....you know what I mean. (Feel free to make additional nominations if you can actually think of anything worse that these specimens)

GOD'S ON A ROLL!

First Pinochet dropped dead. Now Turkmenbashi has been promoted to Father of All Dead Turkmen. If deaths come threes among similar people, I'd be shitting my pants right now if I were Teodoro Obiang.

When I got to grad school three years ago and met my first Turkman (actually Turkwoman) I was introduced to the wonderful world of Saparmurat Niyazov (a.k.a. "Turkmenbashi" or "Father of all Turkmen"). I have always had a soft spot in my heart for dictators. Not the cruel, authoritarian military ones - the batshit insane cult-of-personality ones. And with Kim Jong Il quickly becoming less interesting as contact between him and the west increases, Turkmenbashi may have been the last picking-peanuts-out-of-crap crazy dictator left. He was a living answer to the question, "What would happen if we let Ol' Dirty Bastard run a country?"

Aside from the usual kleptocrat dictator fare (erecting golden statues of himself, plastering his face on every flat surface in the country, etc) he has had a productive career of codifying his bizarre eccentricities. To wit:

All hospitals outside of Turkmenistan's capital were closed last year.

He required all public servants to write articles lauding him

He has all the nation's doctors swear an oath to him rather than the Hippocratic Oath

All libraries outside the capital were closed because "average Turkmen don't like to read"

All schools based their teachings on his Ruhnama (a North Korea-style mixture of made-up biography, fantasy history, and awful poetry from the dictator himself)

He ordered the word for "bread" to be changed to the name of his late mother to honor her memory

Yes, it's true that there are plenty of dictators left in this world. Just ask my friends over at Dictator of the Month. But there are very few isolated, deranged, "watch an entire nation dance to a lunatic's whims" types left. Goodbye, Turkmenbashi. You are part of a dying breed.

Of assholes.

Posted by Ed at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

WELL, THERE'S A HALF HOUR I CAN'T GET BACK

I have wasted the overwhelming majority of my life, but I'm fairly certain that no portion of it was more thoroughly wasted than the 30 minutes I just spent watching Our President's press conference on The New Way Forward (tm) in Iraq.

Never have I seen someone look more desperate and clueless, nor have I heard anyone say less with so many words. That felt like an episode of Max Headroom - random phrases combined with epileptic, disconnected delivery.

"New Way Forward" and "we won't retreat" and "bipartisanship" and "extremism will not win" and "sectarian violence" and "surge" and every other random catchphrase you could imagine jammed into every answer, irrespective of the question. He even repeated that ol' chestnut about how we all need to shop more to help the economy. What in god's name that had to do with anything, I cannot say.

A quick summation and translation: "I have absolutely no fuckin' idea what to do. If I dove headlong into this situation without a plan, why would you think I'm capable of devising one now? So we're just gonna stay the course, lose, and then blame it on the Democrats. Like Vietnam! We only lost that war because the liberals made us quit! I tell ya....10, 15 more years and we woulda won that sumabitch!"

Carry on with your day. I will stay awake an extra 30 minutes tonight to compensate for the void in the space-time contiuum that I just exited.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE ALL THIS "PROGRESS"

It may not be progress, but at least it's progressive. A progressive increase, that is.

I'm so fuckin' tired of all these people who are embarassed because of how loudly they proclaimed this war was a good idea in 2002 (i.e. It will only take 6 weeks, they will hail us as liberators, etc). Now they're SO desperate for some rational cover that they keep seizing upon these "turning points" that supposedly beckon the end of the insurgency.

Remember when Hussein was captured? That was going to cause all his former supporters to realize the futility of further resistance and lay down their arms. Remember when Iraq held elections? That was the nail of democracy into the insurgents' heart. Remember when Zarqawi was killed? That was the great tactical blow that severed the insurgency's alleged command-and-control.

There is no "turning point" and there is no end. It gets worse and worse every goddamn day. I have very little aside from pure spite for all these people (in the media, in the neocon right, and in the voting public) who in the past two years suddenly decided that they dislike George Bush and that Iraq is a disaster.

You voted for the guy (probably twice) and you jumped on the We <3 War bandwagon without the slightest bit of thought in 2002. You were wrong and now a lot of people are dead. It's entirely your fault. I know you won't learn from this, and I know that next time we come to a similar situation you'll flap your gums and bang the drum just as loudly irrespective of the fact that you were wrong about absolutely everything in Iraq. But in the meantime, the least you could do is show a tiny shred of humility and spare us from being expected to entertain your guilt-driven fantasy rationalizations about how the insurgency is just about to collapse.

In closing, fuck you.

Sincerely,
Ed

THIS IS A GOOD SIGN, RIGHT?

I think the best indicator that a fledgling nation is successfully marching toward stable democracy is when the Red Cross throws in the towel.

True, the ICRC may have operated in Somalia, Rwanda, Bosnia, and every other hellish collapsing nation of the past 100 years. But packing up and leaving Baghdad is nothing less than an endorsement - clearly the reason they are evacuating is that there is no more work for them to do. The Iraqi government has "stood up," so now international aid agencies can "stand down."

The President was right.

Mea culpa

To prove how wrong I have been about Genesis' greatness, I humbly submit the video for "Illegal Alien":

Yes, it's exactly what you think it is: Phil Collins in a Dirty Sanchez mustache singing in faux-broken English about trying to sneak across the US-Mexican border. Neither your eyes nor your ears deceive you.

Listen to those ultra-realistic coffee-can drum samples!

BROTHERS, SISTERS, COME TOGETHER!

Posting about Genesis had two unexpected side-effects: arousing controversy and bringing Erik Martin out of a year-long posting hibernation. I am therefore not sorry for having posted about Genesis nor for pointing out how much they blow.

But I have an aversion to dissention. I wish to bring different peoples together in harmony. That is why I am now posting a video of Heino, the German version of....well, I'm not sure there is anything comparable in any other culture.

It is like a David Hasselhoff song, only much worse. Unless it is an elaborate joke that I just don't get.

Really?

I honestly don't know anymore what I enjoy ironically or not. I can say that I have spent untold number of dollars playing this song on internet Jukeboxes while enebriated. It tends to put a smile on my face.

Also, at one point in time I purchased a copy of "Foxtrot" because I was informed that Genesis with Peter Gabriel was "good." That was not true.

INVISIBLE (BAD) TOUCH

A student showed up to my final exam wearing a Genesis t-shirt, and he was wearing it non-ironically. The man really likes Genesis.

This floored me for several reasons. First, Genesis may be the worst band in the history of our species. It sounds like synth-pop sung by eunuchs. Second, I cannot recall having met someone who honestly liked Genesis with no irony or winking in at least 15 years. I am fairly certain that when I was in grade school, someone probably expressed a fondness for them. But that was long ago. Lastly, and most importantly, of the people remaining on Earth who like Genesis I was all but certain than none were under 40 as of 2006. The student in question appeared to be about 20.

This is all deeply troubling.

I didn't dare ask how much he liked Rush, mostly because I feared the answer that I knew would follow. How does a young person in this day and age, with a world of music at the end of his DSL connection, go so horribly astray? Perhaps I should call a social worker and report this young man as a victim of childhood musical abuse. Whichever parent exposed him to this stuff should be reprimanded harshly.

PINOCHET: DEAD. GOD: "SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG."

Dear humanity,

I am happy to report that I smote General Pinochet's blackened soul today at the age of 91. I sincerely apologize for not getting around to this 45 years ago. Similar lapses in judgment will not happen in the future.

Regards,
Your Lord

Seriously, if you want to begin to grasp why US foreign policy is so fucked up and why everyone seems to hate us, sit back for a minute and realize that we not only engineered the coup to put this cocksucker in office but we were subsequently his biggest ally. We spent the entire Cold War failing to see the distinction between Democracy and Anti-Communism, preaching the former but always settling for the latter.

WORDS FAIL ME

To paraphrase Paul Westerberg, if this isn't the worst thing I've ever seen than I guess it's the best.

NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

So there's apparently a new show on Discovery called "Man vs. Wild." There are so many things wrong with it that I hardly know where to begin.

The show is hosted by some testosterone experiment gone wrong named "Bear Grylls." First of all, that is the worst fake name this side of Vin Diesel. Second of all, he is pretty much a complete ass pirate. I can only hope that some tragic accident will befall him and preclude this show from returning for a second season.

The premise of the show is that Mr. Grylls indulges a lot of puerile, 13 year old GI Joe fantasies by using MacGyver/Boy Scout-esque "survival" techniques to "conquer" and otherwise quasi-sexually dominate nature. You know, crap like starting fires by rubbing sticks together, trapping wild animals, making elaborate contraptions out of twigs, and of course eating raw insects. It is essentially the most asinine thing ever.

Not only is it not very entertaining, but he does the world a disservice by perpetuating the myth that one "prepares" for outdoor adventures by learning arcane tricks that are almost certain to result in your death in an emergency situation. Now I am in no way a master outdoorsman, but I have learned quite a bit in my occasional forays into undeveloped North America. Therefore, in an effort to combat the harm Mr. Grylls' idiocy has done to public awareness, I have prepared a short quiz:

1. How do you start a fire when stranded outdoors?

A: Using the cheap, disposable lighter you were smart enough to bring.

B: Rubbing twigs together for 3 hours

2. On a mountain-climbing trip, you and your group become stranded in a harsh winter storm. How do you signal for help?

A: Call the state police on your cell/Sat phone.

B: Make smoke signals that no one will ever see

3. What is the rule for identifying edible (i.e. non-poisonous) leaves and tree fruits?

A: What the fuck are eating leaves for? Eat the food you were smart enough to bring with you. What kind of idiot goes hiking without food?

B: Leaves of three, let it be!

4. If you are lost in a deserted area, how do you find your way back out?

A: Using the GPS unit you wisely invested $150 in before heading out into Middle of Nowhere, Alaska. Or, failing that, a 99-cent compass and a map. Dumbass.

B: Identifying the constellations and finding the Osiris star cluster.

I hope this has been informative.

WHAT PART OF "IT'S NOT LIKE VIETNAM" DON'T YOU GET?

The Boston Globe has a neat little piece about soldiers' reactions to the "Iraq Study Group" recommendations. Of course, it doesn't bear repeating that the group's recommendations are A) pitifully watered down and B) almost certain to be used as toilet paper in the White House. I can't call him out by name because he happens to be affiliated with my University, but let's just say I'd really like to put my foot in the ass of the "Democratic" co-chair of the ISG panel. He's one of those Lieberman/Zell Miller douchebags who is used to christen projects like this with the window-dressing illusion of bipartisanship.

I find this quote particularly cute:

"In Iraq, we try to win the hearts and minds of population," said Dow, 32, of Chicago. "They want Americans out of here. They blame us for all their problems. They look at us as the terrorists and then they turn around and help the terrorists who are trying to kill us."

Nope, that doesn't sound like Vietnam at all! Boy do I feel better now. That quote certainly couldn't pass for a soldier's commentary in 1968 if you replaced "terrorists" with "Viet Cong!"

SEND LAWYERS, GUNS, AND MONEY

Please evaluate the following potential album titles for A) awesomeness and B) likelihood of resulting in litigation.

What Kobe Wants, Kobe Gets

Guns n' Roses Presents: Chinese Democracy

The first is more clearly libelous, but by withholding a surname we (arguably) are not directly defaming Mr. Bryant's impeccable moral character.

The latter choice seems more likely to result in letters from attorneys, because I think we can all safely assume that Axl has absolutely no money left. None. And he just seems like the kind of guy who would sue a lot anyway (let the 2002 MTV VMA performance serve as evidence - watch on an empty stomach).

By the way, what happens if China is in fact substantially democratic by the time Chinese Democracy finally gets released? I realize that's more of an "if" than a "when" but there's something undeniably awkward about ironic album titles rendered unironic by actual events.

(OK, did you watch the VMA "performance" clip? I haven't seen that in 5 years, and I recall thinking it was the worst, most painful thing I had ever seen. My opinion hasn't changed with the passage of time.)

OBITUARY

It is with great sadness that I pass along the following news:

The Baron Doodle von Taintstain, 2ish, of Bloomington, beloved pet of Rancho Relaxo, has passed away. His passing was painless and in his sleep. The likely cause is the landlord's refusal to fix the broken furnace in a timely manner, allowing indoor temperatures to drop below 40 degrees.

He is survived by his owner, Liz, and premarital step-owner, Ed. Services will be held tonight in the guest bathroom of their home. In lieu of flowers, please donate to the Sierra Club.

I <3 EXPERIMENTS

I don't know who Jerry Klein is, but he's officially on my short list of heroes.

Apparently he's a DC-area radio host who kicked off an hour-long segment of his show by announcing that all Muslims in the United States should carry special ID cards and be marked with either a visible crescent tattoo or a red armband.

Sounds a little....out there, doesn't it? Not according to the listeners! Among a smattering of callers who told Klein he's out of his mind, supportive callers made comments such as:

"Not only do you tattoo them in the middle of their forehead but you ship them out of this country ... they are here to kill us."

"What good is identifying them? You have to set up encampments like during World War Two with the Japanese and Germans."

It wasn't until the end of the show, after an hour of hearing DC's finest share their helpful hints on how best to mitigate the "threat in our midst" that Klein revealed that he had pulled a fast one on his right-wing listeners. He explained that his "proposal" was in fact a hoax, and then offered his response:

"I can't believe any of you are sick enough to have agreed for one second with anything I said."

"For me to suggest to tattoo marks on people's bodies, have them wear armbands, put a crescent moon on their driver's license on their passport or birth certificate is disgusting. It's beyond disgusting."

"Because basically what you just did was show me how the German people allowed what happened to the Jews to happen ... We need to separate them, we need to tattoo their arms, we need to make them wear the yellow Star of David, we need to put them in concentration camps, we basically just need to kill them all because they are dangerous."

Jerry Klein, you f'n rule.

NO POLITICS FRIDAY

Let's start doing "No Politics Fridays" as a logical extension of No Pants Thursdays. You all do that too, right?

Right?

Anyway, here's a small, adorable dog from CuteOverload. When you've had quite enough of that, take 93 seconds to watch Buddy Rich and Ed Shaugnessy duke it out on the Tonight Show to see who's more awesome. The result is obviously a two-way tie for first.