ginandtacos.com - shut up and drink the gin

MY CALLING

So I've figured out what I want - nay, must - do with my life. It's called the Mongol Rally. As the name implies, it is a rally involving Mongols.

On the surface it doesn't seem all that exciting; participants must drive from London to Ulan Baatur, Mongolia. Deserts must be crossed, bodies of water forded, unpaved terrain traversed, blah blah blah. Pretty standard Executive VP Who Shops at REI road rally stuff.

But here's the catch: all entrant vehicles must be complete pieces of shit and there is no support crew of any kind. In the average "adventure" rally, rich people drive military-spec SUVs over allegedly forbidding terrain, and if they so much as get a hang nail the race organizers send in a helicopter (and a new truck). Not so the Mongol Rally (note the number of "no, we really aren't going to rescue you" disclaimers on the website).

Not pictured: quality automotive engineering

Maximum engine displacement is 1.0L. For the automotively declined, there are no vehicles currently on sale in the US with an engine that small. The only US-legal entrants I can think of would be 1st-gen Geo Metros (which sneak in at 0.998L). Even the friggin' Yugo had a 1.3L powerplant. Fortunately, in Europe microcars with sub-liter engines are quite common since most people use them as intra-urban commuters. Popular cars like the smart or Fiat Panda would comfortably fit in the glove compartment of an American car.

The only other requirement is that, and I quote the organizers directly, the car must "generally be regarded as crap." I love that. You have no idea how much I love it. Rumor has it that anything with a retail value of over 500 Euro will probably not make the cut.

So in summation, this rally consists of people driving on unpaved roads over the Caucuses and through two deserts using cars that probably couldn't handle a trip to the supermarket. In this year's rally, 160 started, 64 finished, 19 were abandoned, and 77 currently are in whereabouts unknown. Where do I sign? One man managed to finish in a $150 (off eBay!) 1990 Daihatsu Charade while setting a record by completing the rally without breaking down once. Them Japan fellas can make a car, boy howdy.

By the way - it's all for charity. Each entrant must raise 1000 GB Pounds for Mongolian charities in addition to footing all costs related to the vehicle and return travel from Mongolia (or wherever their car finally takes a dump).

If only we could hunt down Mike Konczal's 1994 Ford Tempo - a vehicle so shitty that rather than selling it, he had to pay someone to take it. Do photos exist of this trusty steed? Failing that, I have little to no doubt that I can make Khazakstan my bitch with an old Honda T. Who wants shotgun?

HMM, I WONDER WHY

I get a big kick out of listening to people on the Sunday talk shows debate about losing the war in Iraq. Guess what? We already lost. The fact that we're going to be there another five years doesn't change that. If you're unclear about why or how, watch this short video. Be sure to go all the way to the end or else you'll miss the quote of the year.

If I were a billionaire, I would make a 30 second TV commercial out of this clip and pay to show it 50 times a day on every network. I suppose this is what you get for sending the bottom 10% of every high school graduating class halfway around the globe to fight a pointless war among and against a culture they couldn't even begin to understand.

FUCK YOU, CLYDE TOMBAUGH

(What, too soon?)

Pluto is no longer a planet. Please adjust your mnemonic accordingly: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pies.

"Your dongs are tiny and useless, Earth astronomers."

How in the hell does something get de-planeted? The eccentricity of the Plutonian orbit doesn't really change the fact that it's a planet-sized rock under the primary gravitational influence of our sun. So its orbit overlaps Neptune's. Big fuckin' deal. Forgive an object that's 17 terameters from the sun for being a little wobbly.

As you can tell, I have strong feelings about this subject.

BOY PANTS DOWN

Anyone who's ever seen and/or enjoyed the motion picture Black Hawk Down are probably aware that it depicts real events from the nonfiction book of the same name with a surprising (at least for Hollywood) level of accuracy.

One part of the film is fictionalized, I've learned. Apparently the nervous coffee-loving Grimes (Ewan McGregor) is comic relief, but he isn't a real person. "Grimes" is a character based heavily on real-life Spc. John Stebbins, a coffee-obsessed nebbish of a clerk. Apparently the US Army powers-that-be demanded that Stebbins' name be altered (unlike any of the other characters in the film) before agreeing to assist with the film.

For some reason, they didn't think the story of heroism, valor, and unpreparedness would resonate with audiences when they realized that one of the heroes, Mr. Stebbins, is doing 30 years for raping a 6-year old girl.

Oh, and it was his daughter. Good night.

LIKE THAT TYSON-SECRETARIAT FIGHT

What in God's name would posess someone to punch a horse? That's approximately equivalent to punching a minivan. Corey Logan found that out the hard way. $100 and 20 hours of community service later, he's still wondering how he avoided breaking every bone in his arm.

Why would anyone do such a thing? Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

A TAYLOR HICKS BEATDOWN

So we somehow made a top 10 list of things to do in Indianapolis this weekend. Note that while we lag behind slightly more deserving acts like Kanye West and John Fogerty, we pwned the American Idols Live show.

I really wouldn't have it any other way.

ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI

NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT

Well, the amount of money allocated by Homeland Security to places like New York, Chicago, Washington DC, and Las Vegas has been dramatically slashed in favor of election year pork to marginal Congressional districts. If you missed that story, Indiana was deemed to have the highest number of terrorism targets in the nation.

I'm not fucking kidding. They have seriously identified the following as terrorist targets, among others:

Apple and Pork Festival (Clinton, IL)

In case you were wondering what these high-risk targets have been doing with their massive slush-fund checks, let's use Germantown, TN (a state with a key open Senate seat) as an example.

The affluent community has one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. It is home to endless McMansions filled with white-flight Memphis baby boomers. It is 93% white and has a $94,000 average household income - nearly three times the national average.

For some reason (not because it's an election year and not because Bill Frist is a Tennesseean) the community got a $200,000 grant from DHS to purchase a military-spec armored vehicle called a "BearCat" to "put the community at the forefront of preparedness."

God only knows what Germantown, TN needs to be prepared for, but one thing is abundantly clear - there's a whole town full of 52 year old white guys with a giant boner right now. This is the best marital aid ever devised for rich, suburban, reactionary conservative Middle Class American Dad. I mean, just look at this ridiculous fucking thing. I'm surprised it doesn't say "TONKA" and have racing stripes on it. But it's good to know that Germantown has it (instead of nearby crime-ridden and Democrat-leaning Memphis) in case things get out of hand at the Pier 1 Imports this weekend.

(Thanks AutoBlog)

Posted by Ed at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

NO, REALLY: FUCK JOE LIEBERMAN

We have a strong front-runner for the 2006 Ginandtacos Cocksucker of the Year. In fact, if someone else manages to out-suck Joe in the next 4 months we may need to invent a special lifetime achievement award for him.

The best thing about this fiasco is that the White House and Republican Party are scolding the Democrats left and right. That's all you need to know to understand why Lieberman lost to a nobody. The sight of Bill O'Reilly moralizing...Shame on you, America, for voting this poor, dedicated civil servant out of office! Why on Earth would you want to get rid of this man who just happens to agree with President Bush on just about every issue?

It's so nice to see the GOP rush to the defense of "good" Democrats, i.e. the ones that are indistinguishable from Republicans. Thanks for your concern, guys. Really. And as for Lieberman's rationale behind his defeat - "extremists" have taken over the party - well, if voters who demand that the party in opposition show at least a slight differentiation from the GOP are "extremists" then I guess he has a point. Asshole.

Rather than accept his primary defeat as a sign of voters having exercised their will against Uncle Joe's blank-check support of the Iraq War, the cocksucker's sense of entitlement is such that he's insisting on running as an independent. Why? Because he can win the general election by getting Republicans to vote for him. How? Because he acts exactly like a Republican and allows the GOP members to use him (since Zell Miller's retirement, of course) as a form of tokenism. See? Look how tolerant we are! We like some Democrats! Like this Lieberman fellow, the one who is to the right of a lot of Republicans on most issues....we really like him!

Congratulations, Joe. You are to the GOP what his or her one black friend is to every suburbanite in America. And if the Republican Party isn't smart enough to read these tea leaves correctly - that the next few months are going to be real, real tough on out-of-touch reactionaries who support the hell out of a war that the entire public is sick of - then they deserve to be blindsided in November.

PS - No, really. Fuck you, Joe.

BOYS GONE WILD

Wow. I didn't know anything about the founder of Girls Gone Wild before I read this piece in the LA Times, but.....in a way, I knew all of this without having to read it.

Tell me which of the characteristics of a psychopathic personality disorder do not apply to this man. It's all there - pathological lying, crippling self-loathing combined with raging narcissism, seductive charm paired with violent rage, an inability to take responsibility for his actions, and the baseless perception that his own bizarre, frightening behavior is appropriate. I think Mr. Joe Francis is a dissertation waiting to happen for some budding criminal psychologists out there.

THE END OF MY POLITICAL CAREER

Right here in this post. I swear.

From the comments of a website I frequent:

You can believe everything that the Democrats say if you want, but I'll take facts. No, Iraq has not gone as smoothly as anyone would like, but it is NOT a money grab or a quagmire or another Vietnam. It hasn't even been 4 years since we went in, and we have a government in place and are training the Iraqi Army, which takes a long time. I have heard people say that if the U.S. Army can train a soldier in a few weeks, why can't we do that in Iraq. You have to train ALL levels of the Iraqi Army, not just the enlisted ranks. It takes YEARS to make an officer.

The truth is that things are going VERY WELL in Iraq and there will be hell to pay if the Liberals take over and F**K it up now.

From cnn:

There are some people, and I'm one of them, that believe George Bush was placed where he is by the Lord," Tomanio said. "I don't care how he governs, I will support him. I'm a Republican through and through."

The past six years have finally broken me. There is one and only one solution to the problems currently facing the country: ideological genocide. Either we have to round up every right-wing asshole in this country and gas them, or they have to do it to us. We'll never start thinking simplistically enough to buy into what they're selling, and they're far too proud of their stubbornness and ignorance to let silly things like "reality" or "facts" sway them.

Either things will continue on this course until the Constitution has been re-written by a loose coalition of defense contractors and right-wing evangelicals and the rest of the world is gearing up for WWIII (starring us as the Nazis), or America will have undergone a civil war to end civil wars. Logic can't compete against the voice of God, and these people (by that I mean "the people who run the country and constitute the majority of the population") believe they're following God's orders. That is why religion is the bastard mother of all wars - no one backs down in a game of "chicken" in which all sides are convinced that God is behind them.

There's no coexisting. This isn't a compromise-driven marriage of two dissimilar ideologies. Either they're going to end up living by our rules (i.e., the Constitution, common sense, "logic", etc) or we will end up living by theirs (i.e., an extremist interpretation of the Bible, ignorance, and pointless nostalgia for the good ol' days that never actually existed).

If you think that winning elections will solve the problem, you're underestimating the predictability of stupidity. Engineering a Democratic takeover of Congress or the White House will accomplish absolutely nothing to address this social rift. All it will do is guarantee that we have to spend the next 50 years listening to Coulter, Hannity, and their millions of mouth-breathing followers piss and moan about how we were just on the cusp of victory in Iraq (and therefore, by extension, the entire war on "terrorism" and "radical Islam") until the Democrats came along and fucked it up. After all, everything that has gone wrong in the past six years (9/11, the horseshit economy, etc) has been Bill Clinton's fault.

No, this can't end well. Like the conflict between Israel and the Arab world, this really isn't going to end until we're all dead or they're all dead. I don't like our odds.

Our position.

Here are our positions. Please, please, please do not do any gambling ever, and especially on our information. That is our disclaimer. Spend your money in wiser places, like in index funds or bars featuring dollar-beer nights.

More accurately: "the material here have no regard to the specific investment objectives, financial situation, or particular needs of any visitor. These sites are published solely for informational purposes and are not to be construed as a solicitation or an offer to buy or sell any securities or related financial instruments. References made to third parties are based on information obtained from sources believed to be reliable, but are not guaranteed as being accurate. Visitors should not regard it as a substitute for the exercise of their own judgment. Any opinions expressed in this site are subject to change without notice."

Ahem. The "Price" is what percent it is likely that said event takes place. If we clarify "SOLD", we'd like to see the value go to zero, otherwise we'd like it to get to 100. Note that the times are Irish times, ahem.

First up, we believe we'll have a net gain of 23-25 seats for the Democrats, so we are bullish on Democrats taking over 20 seats, slightly less bullish on them taking over 25, and we sold (them out) on Democrats gaining 30 seats.

-This position has changed. We are stronger at 20, stronger at 25, and we aren't selling the Democrats out until 35.

DEMOCRATS 20 SEATS

DEMOCRATS 25 SEATS

DEMOCRATS 35 SEATS - SOLD

We very quickly realized that our patriotic duty could be purchased by making 2 dollars on our investment in the Democrats taking the senate. We are now invested in the Democrats taking only the house and the GOP holding onto the senate.

DEMOCRATS GAIN HOUSE, REPUBLICANS KEEP SENATE

RHODE ISLAND (technically the same graph, but we're now selling shares of Whitehouse)

MARYLAND

UNCHANGED-

NJ SENATE RACE - SOLD

TENNESSEE

VIRGINIA

JOEY LAWRENCE

THE PASSION OF THE ASSHOLE

Remember then all those whiny, hysterical PC liberals said that Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ represented anti-Semitic thinking on the part of its director (and his Holocaust-denying father)?

Boy were they wrong. It appears that the Road Warrior's heart is clean of any hateful thoughts toward the Sons of Israel after all. Phew.

LANCE BASS: I'M GAY.

America: No shit.

That's really surprising. If you want to shock the shit out of me, tell me one of the Backstreet Boys is straight.