ginandtacos.com - shut up and drink the gin

"DOCTOR, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE..."

I'm sure that the physicians on staff at the average convalescent/retirement home hear this on a daily basis, but said doctors can no longer safely assume diabetes to be the underlying cause.

Yes, in yet another example of the depressing and complete loss of innocence that defines modern American life, it appears that granny and gramps have the clap. Or the herp. Or something of the kind.

I need a drink and a shower.

CRYSTAL BALL(S)

The 2006 election will be theraputic for America, if for no other reason than it will help clear our collective mind of 2004. And really, what clears the mind like a little retribution?

Some people can sing, some can dance, and some can run giant corporations. My skills, on the other hand, are neither interesting nor profitable. I can talk about politics. It's not terribly interesting, but I might as well use what the good Lord has given me. So this is a look at the 2006 Senate races. Hopefully it will be of some use to you as you desperately search for some threads of political hope to which you can cling this year. If it's not useful, hopefully it will be entertaining. If it's not entertaining, too fucking bad. It's free.

I'm going to make a few general comments and then break the approximately three dozen races down into general categories according to their level of competitiveness and relevance.

Overview
The literate and non-fascist part of the population has been steadily building up hope that 2006 will represent an end to Republican control of Congress - and, by implication, the effective end of the Bush presidency. Optimism is neat, but don't get too wildly enthusiastic. The Democratic Party is still utterly incompetent, and the GOP margins in both chambers are significant. 15+ House seats is an awful lot to pick up in one election. Is it historically unprecedented? No. But it's hardly a given.

That it is unlikely doesn't mean it won't happen. The Democrats need 5 seats in the Senate, and there are 5 open seats (which are often the only competitive ones in a given election). More importantly, the American public is thoroughly and irreversibly through with George Bush. He's a pariah at this point, and the GOP Congressional leadership isn't far behind. The intangibles are definitely in the Democrats' favor this year. If they can't make some gains in this context, they might as well disband.

I always believe that the overall quality of challengers is a good indication of which party is on the defensive in a given election. Competent Democrats, for example, declined to run in 2002 or 2004 because of the perceived advantages held by Republicans. In 2006, on the other hand, there are numerous strong Democratic challengers. The GOP can't say the same. For example, wildly popular Governor John Hoeven (R) was expected to challenge Kent Conrad - one of the Senate's weakest incumbents - in North Dakota. On paper Hoeven would have won easily as a popular Republican in a conservative state. Instead, he took a look at the trouble the GOP is having at the national level and said "Thanks, but no thanks" to running for the Senate.

The races up for grabs break down as follows: 5 seats are open (no incumbent) and five GOP incumbents are in serious jeopardy. To take over the Senate, the Democrats would need to collectively win nearly all of those seats. The other 20+ races are uncompetitive or worse. Which brings me to the next part...

Utterly Pointless Races
These seats are technically "up for grabs" but are held by safe incumbents. The challengers are either weak, insane (think Keyes vs. Obama), or non-existent. It is a waste of our collective time and energy to even think about these "contests."

"Have whoever runs against me killed, preferably by drowning."

Indiana - Dick Lugar (R) has been in office for 30 years and is unopposed.

Hawaii - Daniel Akaka (D) has a primary challenger, but in any case this is staying Democratic.

California - Dianne Feinstein (D). Yep.

New York - Hilary Clinton. Every year the GOP puts up a fuss about some great challenger for NY's Senate seats, and it never happens.

Massachusetts - Ted Kennedy. Lifetime appointment.

Delaware - Tom Carper (D), former Governor, is a lock for re-election.

Connecticut - Joe Lieberman has a primary challenger, but no Republican opponents have stepped up.

Wyoming - Craig Thomas (R) is a lock.

Utah - Orrin Hatch (R) will grace us with six more years of pedantic condescencion.

Wisconsin - Herb Kohl (D) has more money than God and is nearly as popular.

Arizona - John Kyl (R) has a decent opponent but would have to work hard to blow it in a very conservative state.

Mississippi - Trent Lott (R) is the only person who can sink Trent Lott.

Texas - Kay Bailey Hutchinson. Try to guess which party she's in.

Safe, but not 100%
These races feature incumbents that are somewhat safe but will need to fend off strong challengers. If they take anything for granted or if the winds of change are blowing too strongly, they could go down.

"How do I keep getting re-elected? Oh yeah. I live in fuckin' West Virginia."

Washington - Maria Cantwell (D) is widely known to be a very weak incumbent, but in a Democratic-leaning year and in a liberal state she should be able to hang on. Challenger Mike McGavick is a multi-millionaire.

Nevada - John Ensign (R) is pretty safe, but the demographics of the state are changing so radically (and rapidly) that no incumbent can take things for granted. Jimmy Carter's son (!!!) Jack is the challenger.

New Mexico - The state isn't terribly liberal, but Jeff Bingaman (D) should win for the fourth time. He announced his retirement but then was begged, bribed, and browbeaten into running again, which scared off the strong GOP challenger (Heather Wilson, Congresswoman).

Nebraska - Ben Nelson (D) is about as liberal as Tucker Carlson, but Bush's utter stupidity - naming popular Nebraska Governor Mike Johanns to his cabinet - took care of Nelson's only real competition.

Michigan - The Democratic iron grip on the state is fading, but Debbie Stabenow (D) scared off potential opponents by winning a brutal race back in 2000.

N. Dakota - Kent Conrad (D) may win by default, since the GOP challenger is the same guy who Byron Dorgan smashed in 2004. This is a very conservative state, though.

West Virginia - Robert Byrd (D) is older than sand. At age 87, is he still a lock? Yes, but anyone as old as him is a candidate to keel over at any moment.

Florida - Bill Nelson (D) was shitting himself in fear until he realized that his likely opponent (thanks to a couple million she inherited from her daddy) is the hideous Katherine Harris. Bush (both George and Jeb) have openly opined that they'd prefer someone else, but Congressman Mark Foley may instead eye the open Governor's seat. Against Harris, Nelson will walk. Against a quality Republican he'd be in trouble.

Virginia - George Allen (R) is very strong, but the sliver of doubt in his re-election comes from the tremendous strength of his (two) potential opponents. Billionaire businessman Harris Miller can outspend him, and former Reagan official Jim Webb (now a Democrat) can out-moderate him.

Maine - Olympia Snowe (R) remains very popular, but the state is getting more liberal by the minute and it wouldn't be a total shock to see voters abuse her as retribution toward Bush and the national GOP.

Incumbents in Trouble
This election features an uncharacteristically high number of incumbents in serious trouble. A few are actually underdogs in their respective races, and the rest are burning through their state's supply of Tums and Early Times whiskey.

"I'm so happy...so confident..."

Montana - Conrad Burns (R) is in trouble. He's one of the most heavily involved Senators in the Jack Abramoff lobbying mess, and (to many people's surprise) his state is becoming increasingly liberal. The Governor and Burns' fellow Senator (Max Baucus) are Democrats. Popular state senate president Jon Tester is a formidable but under-funded challenger. Burns hung on by a thread in 2000 and may not be so lucky again.

Ohio - Mike DeWine (R) has pissed off everyone, including social conservatives (he's in the 'Gang of 14') and the state's largely moderate base. The 2005 Special Election for the House in Ohio proved that the state's voters are ready to vent some anti-Bush sentiment (although they have only themselves to blame at the moment). African-American Congressman Sherrod Brown is a powerful opponent who should be able to boost urban turnout. Ohio today is much like Illinois under George Ryan. Governor Bob Taft III is a crooked, unlikeable albatross on the state GOP, and DeWine isn't helping.

Pennsylvania - Rick Santorum (R) is fucked. Not only is he "in trouble" but he's actually the significant underdog. Polling indicates a consistent 12-15% advantage for his opponent, popular state political mainstay Bob Casey. Santorum's re-election would actually be an upset at this point.

Missouri - Jim Talent (R) is still favored, but he's virtually anonymous even in his own state. Furthermore, Missouri is on-balance conservative but regularly shows itself to be a swing state that reacts strongly to the blowing wind. The Democrats really needed to find someone better than Claire McCaskill to challenge Talent, but she's getting a ton of mileage out of GOP-bashing in the state's sizeable urban areas right now.

Rhode Island - Lincoln Chaffee's (R) luck may finally run out. His time and money are being drained by a conservative primary challenger bashing him as a moderate, and Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse (former Attorney General) is licking his chops in a heavily liberal state. Chaffee has always survived in the past by proving that he's not like the rest of the GOP, but in this election his party affiliation might be enough to kill him. Even though he's moderate, RI voters seem to be unwilling to do anything that helps keep people like Bill Frist in leadership positions in Congress.

Open Seats
The following races feature no incumbent. For the most part they are middle-of-the-road states, which guarantees that almost all of the open seat races will be barn-burners.

"This represents the amount of decency I have in my blackened, corrupt little soul."

Tennessee - Bill Frist (R) is retiring to begin sucking James Dobson's penis in preparation for 2008, and surprisingly the GOP doesn't seem to have given much thought to grooming his replacement. Chattanooga mayor Bob Corker appears to be the front-runner, but he's inspiring a lot of anger from far-right conservatives (Frist's bread and butter). Harold Ford, Jr. is not only a rising star in the national Democratic party but he's also one of the state's most popular and magnetic politicians. Prediction: Ford by a nose.

Minnesota - Mark Dayton (D) has become a punchline in the state and is therefore retiring. Unfortunately, no strong Democrat is able to replace him. State's Attorney Amy Klouchbar looks like the nominee against ultra-conservative Congressman Mark Kennedy. Klouchbar is a nobody, but this is a historically liberal state that voted for Kerry (hell, they voted for Mondale) and I can't see Kennedy carrying the Twin Cities. As they go, so goes the state. Prediction: Klouchbar by default.

Vermont - Local political god Jim Jeffords (I) is retiring, but House independent and liberal Bernie Sanders (I) is a virtual lock to step up to the Senate and take his place. Both are extremely popular men and the state is as liberal as they come. Prediction: Sanders in a rout.

Maryland - Paul Sarbanes (D) rides off into the sunset, and NAACP honcho Kwesi Mfume was considered a lock to replace him. Unfortunately, Mfume can't keep it in his pants and has been tarred & feathered over a sexual indiscretion scandal. Congressman Ben Cardin will instead be the likely nominee but strong Republican Mike Steele, the popular Lt. Governor, will give either Democrat a tough fight. Steele, who is black, promises to steal some traditional Democratic votes but on balance I think Maryland is just too liberal to consider either Democrat an underdog. Prediction: Cardin gets the nomination and edges Steele.

New Jersey - Jon Corzine (D) is now Governor, emerging victorious from the most brutal, ugly, and distasteful race in American political history two years ago. His appointed Senate fill-in Bob Menendez is technically an incumbent in this race, but he has never stood for statewide election before. Democrats have long counted on NJ as a lock, but the state's exploding New York yuppie suburban population makes it more competitive than some people think. Too bad they couldn't find a better nominee than the son of former Governor Tom Kean. His name counts for a lot, though, as the elder Kean is still wildly popular in the state. Prediction: Kean in a very narrow upset (and I wouldn't bet money on this given the liberal tendencies of the state).

Final Thoughts
The overall character of a given year's Senate races is often a matter of geographical happenstance. In 2004, when numerous Democratic incumbents went down or were browbeaten into retirement, it was mostly because a large number happened to be up for election in the deep south. This year, many traditionally-liberal states happen to have open races or weak incumbents. A lot of things have to go right for the Democrats to pick up 6 seats and take a one-man advantage in the Senate, but of all the years in recent memory this is certainly the best shot they've had at doing so.

Posted by Ed at 04:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

THE MONEY WILL ROLL RIGHT IN

And we'll be there, attempting to borrow it.

So Tremendous Fucking's practice-space roommates (this band of tards called "Murder by Death") are officially big rock stars now, and they have an MTV-ready video to prove it. You can watch it here and have fun trying to identify my bandmates fighting in the video (hint: look for beards) - the question "Is Pat Hawkins gonna have to choke a bitch?" is answered.

Sadly I was busy on the day this was made (in Chicago, btw - try to guess the venue), thereby blowing my one chance of ever being on TV without committing a crime.

Classical, Modern.

Huh? I understand that the baby boomers have a weird set of emotional and parental issues that cause them to weep at the very thought of their parents' "Greatest Generation" age cohort. On the scale of things I don't like about the boomers (mortgaging my generation out with the federal debt, outsourcing my generation's career tracks to fatten themselves, obsessive nostalgia and their feeling American culture stopped in '78, etc.) this rates rather low.

But is this book cover necessary?

Yes, yes. Heroism in WWII and all that (I'll keep the snark low about it really being the Soviet's victory). But Homer? I though the real horror of the World Wars was exactly how mass-produced, and not heroic, it was - it involves firebombings and suicide planes and factory production and nuclear warfare and mass conscription. There's no beauty of Achilles' shield being crafted by the gods, but someone handing you a rifle as you get off a boat.

I can only assume there's a Odyssey cover on its way of the current Iraq conflict, with a group of solider wandering around a hostile land just trying not to get killed and get the fuck home.

God I hate Greatest Generation nostalgia. And the boomers.

Bring Your Own Boston Legal.

Today's entry, in which I make a realization about the full implications of Chicago's BYOB policy and diagnose a major problem of American culture, and propose Boston Legal as the remedy.

BYOB You always perfect something once you no longer do it. I'm leaving Chicago in two weeks, and I just figured this out. Chicago has a great Bring Your Own Bottle restaurant scene, but it wasn't until last week that I understand it. For years BYOB was an excuse to make a (usually lame) dinner date cheaper. Boring conversations with someone you barely know over dinner - about the worst possible way of getting to know someone - were made more sensible by not having to purchase a $50 bottle of wine with your meal.

That's worthwhile, to a degree. But it misses the genius. A friend and I were eating the works of the rotisserie savants over at Feed, when someone he knew entered. That person pulled out a plastic bag filled with Budweiser and said: "Do you guys want a beer?" My mind immediately was hit with a flashbolt - you mean all those years of eating at small BYOB taco places, rib shacks, and chicken huts and I could have been bringing beer to drink? Oh my god.

To test this theory we went to what might be the best rib place in Chicago, Honey 1's BBQ, a restaurant that I am shamed to say I have thought: "Why is that BYOB? You wouldn't bring a bottle of wine there", carrying a plastic bag filled with cans of Old Style. Two of us, bag filled with Old Style. Sure enough, he took our order (tips, my god the tips there), looked at our closed bag, and winked "I see you guys have your own drinks."

We then spent the next two hours eating ribs and drinking beer. Total price of beer consumed: $3.49. God bless you Mayor Daley.

Culture I think one of the major problems with mass American culture is that so much energy is put into presenting the professional class doing a great job of itself. How many television shows or movies can you name where doctors are brilliant and not at all bound by time or money, lawyers ethical and dedicated to their client no matter what, and so on with teachers, journalists, etc. I can't tell if this is the result of : trying to reassure a country that has handed off functional control of their lives to 10% of the population that they have made a wise choice; hitting that sweet spot of loving pratical knowledge existing in the pursuit of authority, respect, money and power (of which the characters always implicitly have or deserve); or just a benign career day for a country of immigrants where there is no inherited trade culture.

(Before I move on from this, I'll disclose my opinions of the various subgenres. I think the Journalists Speak Truth to Power is the most boring; I have a soft spot for Doctors Spend Most of Their Time Not Haggling With HMOs genre - so many of my friends ran off to medical school after the first two seasons of ER. I feel bad for people who bought into the Lawyers as justice-seekers - man are they up for a rude awakening. And I always think the Teacher Motivates Inner-City Schoolchildren subgenre is the most absurd, because it usually plays out this odd middle-class suburban fantasy of The Problem As Lazy Teachers, and if only someone would come in and really teach calculus to the children, with passion and dedication, all the problems would melt away. Being a math kid, the idea that some staple of Calc AB like the chain rule would be all that is needed to get kids to believe in themselves, and that only would overcome extreme poverty, is so silly only people in Naperville could believe it. I love that post No Child Left Behind it doesn't even have to be a subject that's taught - just believing in kids enough to teach them dancing will be enough.)

Boston Legal Which brings me to Boston Legal, Season 2. What a wonderful show. There is absolutely no pretense that lawyers are serious creatures, seekers of truth and justice. And they do it without being brutal about it - without showing what life would actually be like at the top firm of Boston, ie 80 hour weeks helping company A sue company B (they do hint at it with a wonderful subplot about the sandwich lady being more respected than a new associate). Instead the lawyers are treated as they are - hired guns. The camera does weird things when the characters enter rooms and courthouses - it's an odd blend of Reservoir Dogs and Sergio Leone, gangsters and cowboys.

A lot has been made of the shows left-leaning politics, and perhaps it is a big deal for network television. But for me the glee of the show comes down to three things. One is that the casework is almost never stuff a large corporation would actually handle. Michael McKean sleeps with a cow and the top firm helps his divorce case. Ed Bagley Jr. sleeps with hookers and the top firm handles the charge. Alberto Gonzalez (offcamera, of course), needs the best lawyer in the country to defend the Department of Justice (the next day, incidentally) and calls William Shatner. James Spader spends a large number of episodes defending his various secretaries from criminal charges or doing public aid work. It is so not at all how big firm life would go it is a wonder to watch.

The second is that while the show leans left, it's really about power - and who has it. A big subplot in Season 2 is that William Shatner started going around shooting people (just the fact that I can write such a statement...). The homeless, defendants, his therapist. All shot. And Shatner always walks in a way that is not at all unconvincing. Spader gets an odd fellow off from multiple murders he committed in different episodes. Another lawyers gets away with chopping the fingers off a priest. The lawyers are always defending the most questionable of cases and clients, and almost-always winning from bringing the better minds, money, and hired guns to the table.

power, and road trips

But the politics and law stuff really misses the third and best part of the show - male bonding. Season 2 of Boston Legal, and there is no other way to put it, has been about Shatner and Spader going on road trips together. To get over heartaches or neurological disorders or being "in heat" - they have spent a large part of the show not being lawyers but instead guys traveling to Canada, LA, spas, etc. These scenes, as well as any other number that involves flamingos and ballroom dancing and them defending each other in a court of law, are what gives the show its real strength and heart. And not enough can be said about these characters. James Spader plays a weird amalgamation of all his previous stock characters: creepy, anti-social with a hint (or not just a hint) of sexual deviancy (Secretary, Crash, Mannequin), while William Shatner plays Shanter!, a weird hyped-up insane (or is it mad-cow?) version of his own celebrity persona.

And I said it before, and I'll say it again, those final scenes on the balcony are worth re-watching a few times. It ties everything together in a nice touch without ever feeling trite. To next season, gentlemen.

GETTING IMMIGRANTS OFF TO A GOOD START

The average American couldn't name the five rights guaranteed by the 1st Amendment if you held a gun to his or her head. Those who seek to become naturalized citizens should be no different. The following is a real flash card offered as a study aid for those taking the "citizenship test" through the INS:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're missing one. Or maybe the omission isn't an accident. Freedom of the press has really been a pain in the President's ass lately, and his last six years in office have already made clear his power to edit the Constitution at will.

PAT BUCHANAN: VISIONARY

I've always liked Pat Buchanan. He's honest, and he doesn't varnish his loathing for various segments of the population under the cloak of "compassionate conservatism" or any such nonsense. Personally, I'd much rather end up with a guy who says "No, really, I don't like gays" than a guy who pretends he does and then screws them every chance he gets once in office.

"No, put the flag behind me, lest anyone question my allegiances."

The second reason I like him is that for the longest time (pre-Stockdale) he was pretty much the only entertainment in presidential elections. You could always count on ol' Pat for a couple of gold nuggets. In 1992, he challenged and defeated incumbent President G.H. Bush in the New Hampshire primaries. Then he went on to sink the latter's campaign by insisting on a keynote address at the 1992 GOP convention in which he used phrases like "moral jihad" to describe the party's mission to "govern by the Bible." Safe to say that scared the living shit out of about 70% of the voting public. Molly Ivins described Buchanan's speech as "Decent. But I liked it better in the original German."

Fourteen years later, and suddenly Pat appears to have been A) a prophet and B) a religious moderate compared to those who would follow in his footsteps.

But his progressive ideas didn't stop there. In 1996 part of his campaign centered around the idea of building a giant fence between the U.S. and Mexico. Boy, that was good for a yuk! Ha ha ha! That Pat Buchanan, he sure is a cut-up. I mean, he was alive when the Maginot Line was built! Surely he knew better.

Fast forward to 2006 and our current intellectually handicapped GOP: "No, seriously, build the fucking fence." And who can blame them. The logic is flawless. Once the border is demarcated by a steel fence, illegal immigration will become impossible. I can't think of any way to get past a fence, can you? Didn't think so.

This is emblematic of why the current generation of conservatives are such an utter embarassment. The ideas that used to be offered up by fringe lunatics - Buchanan's fence, the national sales tax, Forbes-o-nomics - are now part and parcel of the majority ideology. Star Wars/SDI, which Reagan used as a bluff (since it's technologically impossible) to convince a teetering Soviet Union that it couldn't afford the next stage in the arms race, was revived in 2002 as "national missile defense." How's that project coming along, guys? Another couple hundred billion and you might even have a prototype that works under heavily rigged testing conditions!

If this trend continues (and since the GOP has anointed itself God's chosen people, how could it not?) I look forward to a reintroduction of more ideas mined from the rich intellectual history of bat-shit insane ultra-right conservatism. Ketchup may once again be a vegetable, and we have but scratched the surface of the visionary foreign affairs insights of Barry Goldwater.

WE'VE GOT NOTHING. WE'RE COMPLETELY OUT OF IDEAS. HAPPY?

No I'm not happy, Hollywood. And I won't be until you stop doing this.

Don't forget to read all the way to the end, where they reveal some other upcoming sure-to-be-awesome (not to mention completely original) films.

WELL AT LEAST THEM DAMN QUEERS AIN'T MARRYIN'

America (or, more specifically, Kansas) - the land where banging and marrying a 15 year old is considered morally acceptable while gay marriage remains a vile perversion of God's will.

Let's do a rank-ordering here of the morally preferable relationships.

1. Joyful Christian wedlock (consenting adults)

2. People who hate each other but realize that divorce is a sin

3. People who never liked one another in the first place but felt it was God's will that they marry a co-worker before child-bearing age passed them by

4. Adult marrying a 14-16 year old

5. Arranged marriage

6. Cohabitation with the potential of marriage

7. Cohabitation

8. Pederasty (among the ordained)

9. Pederasty (laymen)

10. Polygamy (a.k.a. "Mormon Hold'em")

11. Marriage to the Sea

12. Necrophilia (with former spouse)

13. Necrophilia (stranger)

14. Beastiality (mammalian)

15. Beastiality (non-mammalian)

16. Necrophiliac beastiality

17. Gay domestic partnership

Any questions?

OK, LET'S GO OVER THIS REAL FUCKING SLOWLY

This is the United States. It is the same United States map that has been in use for the past half-century. In fact, the continental portion of it has been unchanged since the admission of Arizona to our union in 1912.

I will give you a minute to study it.

Apparently the majority of college students have never seen this map before today. National Geographic and Roper have done a survey and found, to almost no one's surprise, that geography is yet another subject in which American college students are fucking retards.

For the record and before we get started, my nephew is 3 and can put together an entire floor-map puzzle of the United States. And when I hold up one of the state quarters, he tells me the state and it's motto. "Uncle Ed, that's Minnesota, the land of 10,000 lakes."

He's 3.

Thirty-three percent of college students, however, can't find Louisiana. Hurricane Katrina must not have helped, because LA is much harder for them to find than Ohio (which is identifiable to a whopping 50%) and New York (43%).

Don't even get me started on how they fared with the global map. Let's just say it isn't pretty, and 75% of them think English is the most widely spoken native language on Earth. Read the link for yourself if you're curious about whether or not they can find India, Iraq, or Israel (hint: they can't).

Am I being an unfair elitist here? What the fuck is so fucking hard about this? Let's start with some basics. Up in the northeast (that's the top right hand side of the map. Your right hand is....no, the other hand. Look, put both hands out in front of you, palms away, and stick your thumbs out. The one that makes an "L" is your left) we have Vietnam (VT). It is bordered by New Holland (NH) and Macedonia (MA). Its capital is Na Trang. Many Americans fought and died there in the 1970s.

The big purple one at the bottom is Mexico (TX - in Mexican, "M" looks like "T"). It is our #1 trading partner aside from China (CA). To China's north is the Orient (OR) and the state of Las Vegas (NV) is nestled to its east (right). The states Alaska (AK), Hawaii (HI), Praetoria (PR), and Vincent (VI) are all islands that float around the United states, which is itself an island.

I hope this has been informative. Dipshits.

CALL GREENSPAN! WHIP OUT THE PRINTING PRESS!

Boy, it's really funny how other governments have to pay some attention to their budgets and operate in the mental realm of "real money" rather than fantasy.

This week promises to be an unanticipated vacation for many residents of our colonial bombing range/non-state neighbors in Puerto Rico. Their government has shut down over an acute budget shortfall and inability to raise emergency revenue.

Those silly brown people! Don't they understand the American Way of solving massive budget shortfalls?

1. Print more money

2. Have the government borrow massively against the "faith and credit" of itself, the very same government that needs to borrow against its own faith and credit because it's broke

3. Print a couple billion in treasury obligations. Sell to China. Decry trade deficit, foreign investment, and plummeting value of the dollar. Repeat.

Unbelievable! Silly Puerto Rico. No wonder it's not a real state. They're going into full crisis mode over a $740 million shortfall. Pussies! Here in the mainland, we piss through that amount in Iraq in about 12 days. Psh. Three-quarters of a lousy billion dollars. Hell, you wouldn't even need an emergency appropriation - you could just tack a rider on to something else for an amount that piddling.