September 29, 2004
ELECTION 2004: THE CAR WRECK YOU CAN'T STOP STARING AT
As much as my heart of hearts wants to believe that these photos are fake, I know they're as real as Dick Cheney's pacemaker. Years from now, I will be thankful that I saved this montage of the cast of Election 2004 so that I may recall them fondly beside a crackling fireplace as the wind rustles through my Personal Retirement Savings Account.
Some of these photos are unintentionally hilarious, and some contain less subtle comedic value. But they share in common the fact that, as Americans, we have no recourse but to laugh at them. Enjoy.
Edwards proposes we send sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads to Iraq
Note: $500 prize to anyone who can explain why the Governator is pointing a weapon at a handicapped person
Top Secret: Dick I think Condi likes you. Do you like her back? y/n?
"I wonder if he likes me........"
The Governator: "I WILL DESTROY THIS GIRLIE TACO"
Bush practices his patented solution to dealing with the suffering of others
So it's come to this......
"This is how I solve all my problems."
Women indeed........
"Holy shit! A colored person!"
No administration has ever been so successful at mixing macho military gun-lust with homoeroticism
This is why we have elections: because we couldn't possibly make these people up. May God have mercy on all of our souls.
and father taught us boundaries...
Have you been looking to donate to moveon.org but, like me, are too apathetic and lazy to donate money without getting anything in return? I came close with the amazing Errol Morris switch ads, but, like most, I just couldn't crack my wallet.
Well, here is everyone's chance. This week only, Mission of Burma's vocalist/guitarist Roger Miller is selling off a chunk of his private Mission of Burma collection, both records and ephemera, on ebay. All proceeds go to moveon.org. As far as I can find moveon.org, coming out of their virtual yard sale, isn't shooting out an email or promoting this on their webpage, so I'm getting out the word here.
Because really, if the chance of owning Roger Miller's own acetate copy of "Signals, Calls & Marches" isn't going to get you to crack the piggy bank and donate, then nothing is.
September 28, 2004
today's health section(s): playing to your target market.
I like reading the New York Times online, if only for that magic moment that occurs every so often when you realize that it's core demographic makes over $100,000 a year. Usually that time is reserved for their Travel Magazine section, but today's Health Section gave me a whooper: How Young Is Too Young to Have a Nose Job and Breast Implants?
I love that parents need to be told the following statement from a doctor: "'Diet and exercise, not liposuction', he said, 'are the proper ways to treat excess weight in children.'" Really?
The article also highlights which ages are appropriate to begin having certain kinds of surgery done as the body of a teenager is going through puberty and changing all the time. "But they have found that nose growth ends earlier, and now do nose jobs, known as rhinoplasty, on girls at age 13 and boys at 14."
And if this following statement doesn't upset you it may mean you have no soul: "By the age of 6, kids can participate in the decision to have surgery and understand why it is being done." Quote the Dr. Steven J. Pearlman, a facial plastic surgeon in New York, whose potential financial interest I'm sure in no way conflicts with his medical advice.
I'd really rather you be a crack mom leaving their child home all day to play with hot pipes than encouraging and paying for your 6 year old to get a quick nip/tuck. I think the crack would be better in the long term for the well-being of your child.
Keeping with the theme of target demographics, this made me check out the Health Section of south-side favorite The Chicago Sun-Times today as well. Their lead story covers current sports medicine: ACL tears not what they used to be. It's funny, as the level of authority in tone and overall knowledge and presentation of medicine is significantly higher in the Sun Times article.
I will now give a summary of the following target markets. New York Times: how soon is too soon to give my child plastic surgery? Chicago Sun-Times: can a quarterback recover from a tear to his anterior cruciate ligament?
God bless the second city, everyone.
MOTOROLA'S MATHEMATICAL MAGICIANS
What follows, as hard as it may be to believe, is an authentic release of information by Motorola. Irrelevant portions of the release, which is quite long, have been removed:
Motorola to Cut 1,000 Jobs
September 28, 2004 12:00:00 PM ET
By Deborah Cohen
CHICAGO (Reuters) - Motorola Inc. (MOT), the world's No. 2 maker of cell phones, on Tuesday said it would cut 1,000 jobs in three of its units as it puts its effort behind wireless communications in an increasingly competitive market.
Motorola said the job cuts, which represent 1 percent of its work force, would not mean that its total work force would be reduced. It said it would take a pre-tax charge of $50 million for severance payments, and a separate charge of $80 million for the early repayment of debt. It will make no cuts in its cell phone business, ranked second behind Finland's Nokia .
"This doesn't mean our work force number is going to go down,'' Weyrauch said, adding that the company continues to hire new workers.
Now, maybe I'm un-American and maybe my colors are running, but the last time I checked, laying off workers sort of implied that the number of people one employs would fall. Unless they're planning on hiring an additional 1,000 people in other areas within the immediate future - and they have indicated no intention to do so - then...well.....um.....the number of employees goes down, right?
They appear to be acting on the assumption that so long as they will - at some indeterminate point in the future - get back to the number of employees they have now, they are not really laying anyone off. So if a company lays a bunch of people off now, on the basis of the fact that at some point before 2095 they will likely be back to or exceed the current number of employees, they have not really laid anyone off.
Brilliant!
September 24, 2004
Saturday with Rosenbaum
Film critic Jonathan Rosenbaum talks about Essential Cinema. Sat 9/25, 3 PM, Barnes & Noble, 1441 W. Webster.
This man is so heroic to me that if an eagle was to majestically land on his forearm while he was giving his lecture I wouldn't even miss a beat.
there's a point where it's just rude.
"Corporate lobbyists are writing the rules for the EPA under the Bush administration." When I've made that statement in the past, I've never meant it literally - I've only meant that the EPA are supporting corporations in a way that makes it look like the corporations are telling them what to do.
Well, it turns out I was wrong there. Lobbyists are actually writing for the EPA. On Wednesday the Washington Post found that EPA's report for Mecury regulation was nearly identical to a lobbyist's proposal, the third such instance they have uncovered:
The Aug. 5, 2002, memo from Latham & Watkins, submitted during the public comment period on the rule, said hazardous air pollutants other than mercury did not need to be regulated. ... The EPA used nearly identical language in its rule, changing just eight words. In a separate section, the agency used the same italics Latham lawyers used in their memo, saying the EPA is required to regulate only the pollutants under Section 112 of the Clean Air Act "after considering the results of the study required by this paragraph." The memo uses the word "subparagraph" instead of paragraph but is otherwise identical.
Eight word! They didn't even change the italics! Two of our staff are grad students given to grading undergrad papers, and though I don't do it myself, I could only assume that they are disappointed at the poor levels of plagarism displayed by our appointed officials.
So there you have it. Regulating chromium, lead and arsenic pollution levels in our drinking water is a matter left to the market. Granted it's possible that the lawyers at Latham & Watkins have people's best interests at heart, but just seeing their webpage makes my skin crawl. There's a point where President Bush is just rubbing our face in it. I understand that you've sold out the people's faith in an independently run government agency protecting the environment, but could you not be so, ummm, obvious about it?
September 22, 2004
AND THE '04 GINANDTACOS AWARD FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF DRIVING GOES TO.....
Police in Wabasha, Minnesota issued a motorcyclist a ticket this week for driving 205 miles per hour on an interstate highway. That's 140 miles over, or 2.15 times, the speed limit.
Being a man who feels prepared to engage in intense driving when necessary, I am compelled to lavish such awards as the Ginandtacos Foundation for Highway Safety will allow on this gentleman.
His honorarium will consist of a Tom Collins toast in his honor, a bronze plaque of his speedometer at the velocity in question, and a bound and gilded set of MapQuest maps. Being the type of driver that he clearly is, he will of course discard the latter, understanding that maps are for pussies and rules of the road are for the God-fearing.
September 21, 2004
THE BUSH LEGACY WILL BE REMEMBERED AS THE SERIES OF AMAZING COINCIDENCES THAT IT IS.
Funny how, in 2000, the absentee ballots of military personnel serving overseas were widely hailed as being important in determining the narrow electoral outcomes of military-heavy states like New Mexico and Florida. Funny how Bush was so adamant about waiting until all those (Republican) ballots got counted before declaring any winners.
Funny how, 4 years later, the absentee balloting of the 160,000 troops in Iraq and Afghanistan is in chaos and many of them will not end up being able to vote. Funny how no one in the Department of Defense or military seems too terribly concerned that these people - who, after 18 months of getting blown up, shot full of holes, burned, beheaded and reviled, might not be so Republican anymore - won't be casting ballots.
It is truly an amazing coincidence, and you would be a fool and a terrorist to assert otherwise.
September 20, 2004
Erik's Epics: Fall 2004, The Trip To Maker's Mark
epic - Long narrative poem employing elevated language and telling of the deeds of a legendary or historical hero. Epics often involve complex sequences of adventures as well as an underlying philosophical understanding of human actions, choices, fate, and the course of events.
Every so often, mankind is forced to deal with a set of circumstances so large, so important, so laden with digital pictures that he has no choice but to create a special blog page to contain it all. The word for this is epic, and these things happen to our own Erik Martin every four months or so. As such, he is forced to try and describe these events as only he can, in a new quarterly feature called "Erik's Epics."
Before, in the Spring/Summer of 2004, Erik's Epic was the Competetive Mustache Growth. In case you haven't, go back and read the trials and struggles of men growing facial hair with a level of determination that could only be described as heroic.
Now, Fall 2004, brings you a new level of epicness that will test all the members of the ginandtacos.com staff:
Enjoy!
September 19, 2004
Sky mike and the World of my weekend.
It's being hailed as a "Harry Potter" for adults. This strikes me, and people who have read the book already, as a marketing ploy. Granted it is about magic as a gentlemen's scholarly pursuit in early 19th century England, but it reads as a homage to, and slight parody of, British social comedy novels. I've enjoyed the Harry Potter books but I'm not a nut about them. I generally eschew historical novels along with fantasy and/or sci-fi but I'm digging this book so far. I'll have more to say as I continue.
Side note: As a person who grew up with comics and the Sandman saga, it always amazes me the reverence our culture has for Neil Gaiman. The way Sandman was able to hit a massive audience was probably one of the high-water marks for DC Comics. There are only two back quotes to this book and one of them by Gaiman. He never does quotes, and this one is huge and imposing ("best English novel in seventy years...."). So if you like Gaiman at least check this out. It's on the Long List for the Booker Prize as well.
September 17, 2004
A FALLEN SOLDIER IN THE WAR AGAINST THE MAN
Ginandtacos feels compelled to note the passing of Aaron Hawkins, the 34 year-old U of I graduate who was the mind behind Uppity-Negro.com.
Better writers and closer friends have said more than we could say, so we will content ourselves with stating the obvious: Hawkins and his website will be missed.
A lot.
September 16, 2004
GINANDTACOS CLARIFIES ITS STANCE ON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
Loyal readers of ginandtacos.com may be thinking "The election is nearly upon us, yet your recent articles have not made clear how you feel about the electoral college....it's a good thing, right?"
Bitch, I will disabuse you of that misinformed notion.
How many Americans realize that the way in which we elect the President is largely a matter of custom and not law? The Constitution lays the framework for the electoral college in a minimalist manner. Each state has electors equal to its number of Congressmen and Senators. The manner of selecting electors is left to the Legislatures of each respective state. There is no emoticon or HTML tag of which I am aware that allows me to emphasize that enough.
That's it. It's up to the states, period. South Carolina, for example, selected electors in its legislature until 1840. If states want to appoint electors by order of the Governor, majority vote of the Legislature, or proportional representation they have every right to do so. If they feel like appointing electors by cock size, random selection, or ability to play Slayer's "Angel of Death" while riding a gay horse through a trench filled with pudding, they may also do so.
Here's a little-known (actually, just "little-reported") gem from 2000. When Florida was in the midst of its recount crisis, the state legislature (Republican-controlled) convened a special session for the purpose of altering the state's method of selecting electors. The popular vote was just too inconclusive and controversial, they said. We need to go ahead and make that decision for you, good citizens.
Florida: The state that brought you Hooters Airlines
See, most people have absolutely no idea that there is nothing in the Constitution that says we get to vote for the President. And this, my friends, is what some in the field of Political Science call "the electoral time bomb". If a state decides that it will no longer pick electors based on popular vote, they have every right to do so. If Kerry wins 55% of the vote in Florida but the Legislature convenes (even after the election, as no timeframe for settling the selection process is specified) and decides that it will choose electors itself, there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Short of, of course, rioting in the streets, which I heartily endorse.
Before you write it off as a crazy conspiracy theory, they were very willing to do this in 2000 under the pretext of the election being "inconclusive". And it's not a "republicans vs democrats" issue. The real horror of it is that whichever party were to strike first, the other would return the favor in a different state. And pretty soon we'd have a large number of states - maybe all of them - in which the rabidly partisan legislatures selected the electors, and we'd have one less thing to (not) vote for as a nation.
Congratulations, America! I hope you enjoy the next phase of the end-justifies-the-means, illiterate, corrupt politics you've rubber-stamped into existence. With partisanship in government empirically at an all-time high, I hope you're prepared for the final ludicrous chapter in the 1994 Republican Revolution's brand of "Fuck you" vs. "Oh yeah? Well fuck you" politics.
September 13, 2004
WHEN YOU FAILED LOGIC, I BET YOU SHOT THE TEACHER.
OK. Grab a pen and paper, assault weapon fans, it's time for some logic games.
The fact that some people can drive perfectly fine when drunk does not mean drunk driving should be legal.
The fact that most people who would carry a pocketknife onto an airplane would not use it to hijack the airplane does not mean that knives should be allowed on airplanes.
The fact that some people who buy fake passports really would use them "for novelty purposes only" does not mean that fake passports should be legal, ignoring the fact that most people who buy one would use it for a decidedly non-novelty purpose.
The fact that the NRA population (totalling 3 million people out of the 280,000,000 in this great land) can manage to own an Uzi with a 30-round magazine without using it to out-firepower the police in the commission of a crime does not allow us to logically deduce that assault weapons should be legal (and thereby subject to market forces which will bring their prices down). It furthermore does not allow us to appropriately conclude that the other 277,000,000 people in this great land will similarly use the weapons in a legitimate, safe manner or that the freedom of 3 million responsible gun owners to own submachine guns is worth the consequences to the rest of the society.
Yes, gun ownership is a right. But for varities of reasons, varities of rights - ranging from the right to blare music at 150 dB at all hours of the night to the right to purchase Uranium-235 (which has thousands of positive uses) - are curtailed when one lives in a civil society.
The same individuals who will use assault weapons only in a safe, legitimate manner would no doubt use shoulder-launched SAMs, hand grenades, and M1 Abrams tanks in a safe, legitimate manner (imagine how much fun a weekend at the gun club would be with all that firepower - the clay discs wouldn't know what hit'em). If, then, you are willing to make the claim that assault weapons (as defined by the expiring statute) can be used legitimately and therefore should be legal, the same logic would apply to the three aforementioned weapons. And if you're willing to argue that shoulder-launched missiles should be legalized, you are simply a dolt, utterly beyond reason, who lives in his or her own fantasy world, and you may step forward and put your tongue up my ass.
Dismissed.
September 10, 2004
BREAKING NEWS: UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE WHO PHOTOGRAPH THEIR PUSSY FOR A LIVING HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME ON THEIR HANDS
I received the following email from "CJ" at shykiss.com after we had to ban her IP because she left about 50 comments on our webpage - every one identical - from midnight to 5 AM the other evening. Truly, this is a person with a lot of time on her hands, and very little she is capable of doing with it.
Due to its extreme length, I understand you may not wish to read this in its entirety. Suffice it to say it contains numerous insults I last heard in second grade and more than enough information to get this person committed for some badly needed psychiatric care. As a refresher, here is a quick photo of the sender:
Hi Edwina,
You need to understand that you are still my bitch. I am only mildly amused
that you would block me from posting on your site as I have access to multiple
computers and servers. not to mention dozens and dozens of Internet friends.
So your blocking me is only an admission that you were defeated by a stupid
camwhore? college boy? well, think about this bitch, I know more about this
Internet technology, computer technologies, and many ways to circumvent your
bitch existence. Your biggest mistake was stereotyping us cam-girls I for one
am a bartender / server administrator / web designer / ASP scriptor / college
graduate/ I come from a stable background / have a stable future / and
couldn't possibly think as slow as you.
Just to let you know why I was mildly amused by your blocking my IP and so not concerned because I instantly came up with the work around. the resolve is so exciting for me that I did not even need to do it yesterday, instead I threw
myself a parade and celebrated.
So, since you feel so out-classed by my existence on your site. (which is
entirely your doing) I think that it is only fair to remove all my posts, not
just the ones that bruise your ego, all posts about me and other cam-girls and
all of the stolen (copyright) material of mine/ours
Or you stop blocking my IP and deal with me pussy boy. but remember I am
only being diplomatic and offering you the opportunity to be a man and deal
with what you started. In the event that you fail to comply with my offer I
will systematically attack your existence via the following vehicles.
1.) I will take3 minutes and start installing random nic cards that I have
laying around into my desktop to change my nic IP ipconfig/release
ipconfig /renew
2.) I will start logging on random servers and posting from them (eventually I
will run out servers)
3.) I will start utilizing clients computers via remote access and posting (
this will be short lived too but effective)
4.) I will link your site and your administrative information in the many
forums I post to explaining the situation about my bitch Edwina and her
attacks on me and other cam-girls and ask them to post insults to
your forum and download every picture on your site thus driving up your
bandwidth costs and clog up your forums with insults to Edwina the JERKOFF
Bitch. (I hope it will go this far)
5.) I will contact GIANTWEBSPACE.COM and let them know that you are displaying copyrighted material from my site and demand they shut you down until it is removed (and they will, they have no choice) because you are in violation of their terms of service.
So dumbass, you should size up your opponents before sticking your finger in
thier eye. Either have me on site entirely and deal with it or remove all
information about me and be done, because removing my posts was cowardly I
have never witnessed such a pussy move in the forums, you are still the
weakest link bitch. I am truly sorry that my replies to your attack popped
your ego-trip via your forum, that is if you can call it a forum, it is
nothing but a collection copyright infringement as you can not write an
original idea or thought.
Let the games begin.... but in my time, my will, and my choosing.
CJ
Ms. Diseased Pussy, PLEASE, for the love of god, skip directly to #5. Call our webhost as soon as you possibly can. And I'm glad you interpreted the fact that YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND and we blocked your IP because YOU ARE FUCKING DERANGED AND HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN POST 10000 COMMENTS HERE as a sign that you have "defeated" us. Yes, you got us. If your point was to be psychotic and annoying in a way no one ever could have predicted, you have won.
Thank you for turning this brief exercise in mocking some random girl I found on a google search into your fucking life's purpose. We are your windmill.
September 09, 2004
So, yeah, ginandtacos.com seems to have attempted to take on the amateur internet porn community.
Please don't be shocked, ginandtacos.com readers. If you scroll down you will, in fact, see pornographic material. If you are at work, I would suggest you make sure no one is looking over your shoulder.
Due to recent events, and due to the large number of hits ginandtacos.com recieved last night between the hours of 11pm and 5am, we are are unfortunately forced to expand our terms of service (TOS)
1. The recommended viewing posture for ginandtacos.com is with two hands on the keyboard, or failing that, one hand on the keyboard and one hand on the mouse.
2. All ginandtacos.com readers are advised to be wearing pants.
3. Please, at no point in time is it acceptable to masturbate to ginandtacos.com.
Although we are aware that there is no way for us to enforce these rules, please be respectful of our rules and regulations.
for our protection, please spent at least 5 minutes looking at this only marginally pornographic picture before proceeding.
Bambi's Mom is in for a world of hurt.
It must really suck to be a deer in today's world. With sprawl, pollution and ecosystems in disarray life must be hard on poor Bambi. And at 12:01am Monday, it's about to get even worse - because that's when the Clinton passed Assult Rifle Ban is set to be repealed.
I mention deer only because while doing research about the topic I came across this post by user JesusCyborg on a gun board: "You don't think guns are awesome? Well to each their own. I do. I can't wait to get my hands on an assault rifle so I can pump some deer full of lead."
So maybe that is that. Maybe a bunch of rednecks will take uzis and AK-47s into the woods and hunt nature the way we conduct our foreign policy: with overwhelming unilateral military force (will the deer will have to wage an asymmetrical war, kidnapping journalists and getting box cutters that fit in hooves?). Maybe there is nothing to really fear here.
But the police, who probably have more of an expertise than 'jesuscyborg' in these matters, disagree. There is talk of a more 'militaristic' approach to policing. Armored vehicles will become more prevalent among law enforcement. AV's will have to become standard for simple robbery cases. As anyone who has been around law enforcement or guns knows, there is a world of difference from a deer rifle and an uzi, if only for the mental state of the person holding it. As the man points out above, guns are 'awesome', and bigger assult rifles in your hands are the equivalent of a hit of PCP in the "I can take on 6 cops" department.
above: what the framers had in mind.
Will the government step in? "I think the will of the American people is consistent with letting it expire, so it will expire" said majority leader Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee. "If the president asked me, it would still be no," chirped in Representative Tom DeLay of Texas. President Bush said he supports a renewal and would sign it, but he hasn't pushed very hard. Or at all for that matter. Great job having it both ways; I hope no crackheads jump you with an Uzi on the way to cash all those NRA checks.
"But Mike, even with the ban criminals already have access to these guns if they want them." Maybe my formal background in math logic is working against me, but doesn't then repealing the ban mean even more criminals will have access to them? And worse, with the market flooded won't prices drop, allowing your more broke, desperate and likely to shoot you for a Social Security check variety of criminals larger access to these weapons? And isn't that a bad thing? There is only so much you can argue the tautology "more access will result in more access."
"But Mike, with the weapon ban repealed I can purchase assult rifles to protect my wife, children and three-step ranch home." That is an excellent point, and ginandtacos.com would love to help you out. Now for various PR reasons, the gun industry is keeping it's mouth shut with how much it is salivating at the idea of expanding this market come Monday, so it is hard (and techinically still illegal) to find places online where you can order these guns. And legally (damn Clinton!) guns of this nature that are produced before Monday have to be 'marked' with law enforcement stickering, reducing their sales worth, so we have a few more days before actual production. But come the time, we will have a running list of online ordering sites for the new weapons with which you can "shock and awe" the deer, cheating spouses and late-night gas station attendees of America.
Until then, here are the semi-automatic fruits of what is to come:
I'm not a hunter, but do people ever bayonet deer? more to come.
September 08, 2004
Shaun of the Dead: An Exchange
From: Erik Martin
To: mike
There comes a point in every man's life when his girlfriend gets off of work at 9 oclock in the pm in Champaign, and he decides he must call mike in Chicago to see if he can get show times for a movie. It is not often that such a movie exists that warrents this type of behavior, but last friday such a cinematic masterpiece was showing.
-----
From: mike
To: Erik Martin
Yes, after noticing Champaign was not playing the feature, Erik Martin and his girlfriend drove 2 hours to see Shaun of the Dead. It's a move that seems fitting of the characters of the movie; lovable burnouts who sit around playing records and video games while their lives pass them by in a haze of menial service jobs and failed relationships. The day that Shaun has to fight a wicked hangover in order to get to his mom's birthday and figure out what to do about his ex-girlfriend who just dumped him happens to be the day that there is a massive zombie attack on England.
Shaun of the Dead is being thrown in with the Horror Comedy genre - this seems a bit off. Most of the movies that we have come to think of as belonging to this club - the first two Evil Deads, Dead Alive, etc. - are horror films first and foremost - they happen to have comical leads and joke about the idea of zombies, but their main intention is to scare and cause carnage on the screen. Shaun feels different - it's as if it's an episode of a BBC show that brings in zombies to play straight into humor. Some of it is scary, but not much. But all of it is funny. But funny in that BBC way. Sadly I don't know enough about the BBC sitcom universe, but luckily Erik is an expert. Where's the overlap?
-----
From: Erik Martin
To: mike
Expert is a somewhat strong word. I would assume there there are a lot of people out there with various qualities allowing them more expertise... being British for example. However, I suppose that as americans go I am not too bad.
The main figures in the movie, namely Shaun and Ed are both from the Channel 4 series "Spaced." David, played by Dylan Moran, is the lead in a show entitled "Black Books"- where he plays a chain-smoking, drunk, slovenly, generally acerbic character. Seeing his transition to a whining pansy who probably consumes fruity cocktails in this movie was quite amusing. It also seemed that a substantial number of the extras were also british comedy regulars who were presumably just hanging around with nothing better to do. I am pretty sure I remember Reece Shearsmith from League of Gentlemen hanging around in the backround holding something club-like looking as close to menacing as he was able.
I have heard other people exclaim that Shaun of the Dead played like an extended episode of the show (Spaced). I don't know, maybe. I think the reason that it had this impact on some people was the general comedic style and cinematography. Shaun of the Dead's most hysterical moments consisted of times when you saw something odd on the edge of the frame. Or the camera panned out to reveal more context making a somewhat serious moment very funny. But this is how the jokes were. They were not laid out for you. They were largely contextual within a framework which was taken very seriously. Some people might get kind of pissed off that the script makes you figure out wether or not something is a joke. Although, I think that part of what makes this a fantastic movie is that fact that you can break out laughing for no reason other than the absurdity of imagery has built up to such a point that you can't hold it in any longer.
-----
From: mike
To: Erik Martin
Good call Mr. Martin. Checking imdb.com tells us that Mr. Shearsmith is wandering around somewhere in the movie.
Fans of BBC humor will definitely love it. You hit the nail on the head with how the movie is able to find a way to make simple pan-induced sight gags really clever rather than tired and cliched. I suppose the only question left is what will American audiences think? And even more difficult, what will horror purists think?
Well, not much probably. There isn't much horror for horror's sake in the movie, which I think is an excellent thing (though the ending gets a bit scary, or at least intense). The horror satire is there, but thankfully is very low key. Shaun and his crew live their lives against the backdrop of service industry wage slavery in England, and as such their lives are only a matter of degree from the zombies attacking them.
Americans may be put off by the British comedy. This is sad as the concept is definitely an American import. At its core is a losercoming of age movie, a lot like the early Kevin Smith movies, with a lot more drinking and slacking. It's a celebration of the relationships you always mess up, the way that you can become most creative at creating ways to be not creative at all, and the drinking buddies who alternate between holding you back and saving your ass - truths that every guy should hold as self-evident.
But you don't really need all that analysis - I was sold when a song by the band Chicago plays as a the ultimate breakup song and someone quotes Bertrand Russell at a moment of heroism. Erik, any concluding thoughts?
-----
From: Erik Martin
To: mike
Date: 02:49:55 -0500 (CDT)
So here is the story. I am fabulously intoxicated right now. It is about 3 in the am. I need to be at work by 8 tomorrow morning. I am pretty sure I will then have the free time to work on it.
-----
From: Erik Martin
To: mike
Let us not forget that our hero quickly admitts to his (unclear whether or not she still is alive at this point) ex-girlfriend that he learned the Bertrand Russell quote off a beer mat. No doubt a beer mat located at "The Winchester," the bar where he presumably spends all his time when he is not hawking television sets at the electronics store.
let me go back for a moment to why I think the sight gags work. It is because they happen by chance. They are all staged in such a way that, although it is obvious they are going for laughs, it isn't that obvious. They play like those odd things you actually see in your everyday life. Like one of those times when you are sitting having a perfectly normal conversation and turn around to see something bizarre happening behind you. It takes a minute to sink in and
then you have to turn around and look another time. This is the manner in which the cinematography in this movie works. The recreate that feeling of doing a double take at something a bit off. They don't dwell on these gags, they give you just enough time so that it sinks in 20 seconds into the next scene.
The central conflict in Shaun of the Dead seems to not actually revolve around the fact that the main characters are fighting for their lives in the midst of Zombies, but rather that Shaun still lives with his college buddies, only marginally has a job, and does nothing but go to the same bar every night. He is as much fighting to do something with his life as he is to keep it- fantastically punctuated when his plan to save everyone is obviously failing. If you have seen the previews you know that it is his plan to take his mom and girlfriend to the bar (The Winchester) because for some reason they will be safe there- "its a pub they have deadbolts and stuff there." When it becomes abundantly obvious that this really did not work at all; and why would it? His girlfriend informs him, "At least you did something."
ELECTION '04: MORE WRINKLES THAN STROM THURMOND'S SCROTUM
Unbeknownst to most voters, there are (and have been for some time) two states that award electors proportionally - Nebraska and Maine. In other words, the Presidential candidate who wins the state does not automatically receive all its electoral votes. Each Congressional district gets one electoral vote, with the state's overall winner taking the two electors representing the Senators.
So let's say Bush won Nebraska (5 electoral votes, because it has 3 Congressmen and 2 Senators) but one of the state's three Congressional districts had more votes for Kerry than Bush - Kerry would get one electoral vote, and Bush gets four.
This remains unknown because it has not been relevant. Nebraska is staunchly Republican and Maine has managed to remain unanimous since adopting this system. However, the Colorado Electoral Reform Act could turn out to be extremely relevant in that divided state.
With 9 electoral votes (7 Districts, plus two Senators), Colorado is not usually considered a huge prize. It is also traditionally Republican, as the urban and hippie population is easily offset by the fact that the preponderance of the state's employment comes from Aerospace and Defense contractors.
But while the state is Republican on the whole, it has 3 Congressional districts - mainly representing metro Denver and Boulder - that are overwhelmingly Democratic. Another district is a toss-up, and the remaining are strong Republican. Furthermore, Bush's 2000 victory in the state was quite narrow.
If the CERA passes, it will be effective for this election. Even assuming another Bush win, Kerry will likely receive at least 3 electoral votes. Given that the state's Senate race is leaning Democratic (State Rep Ken Salazar holding a narrow lead over beer magnate Pete Coors), Kerry could increase that to 5 electoral votes by winning the whole state.
Nothing is set in stone at this point, but leave it to the state that gave us Columbine, the nuclear ICBM, and South Park to add another technical loophole that people don't understand but will argue like experts if it becomes relevant in the election.
A MILOS FORMAN-STYLE AUDIENCE REACTION SHOT
Courtesy of our friends over at shykiss.com:
I've shit out things more attractive than that. I wonder what manner of guy gives money randomly to the busted girls on the internet? I mean, it's already a matter of degrees: there are, you know, normal people who talk to actual live humans, and then there are creepy guys who sit around and stalk hot girls on the internet.
But what kind of guy stalks the ones who have bodies like Gumby and could probably drive a Winnebago up the vadge they use to get people to like them? Is there some subcategory of guy who is somehow not "cool" enough for the decent looking internet porn headcases?
Perhaps ginandtacos should branch out into this booming Ugly Porn industry.....it's like the Valley of Broken Toys, only more saggy and shapeless.
September 07, 2004
BABY, I GOT YOUR MONEY
Quick, lend me $8,178.57. I'll pay it back, I swear.
See, today the Congressional Budget Office estimated the budget deficit by the end of the decade will balloon to $2.29 trillion dollars. Let's see that with all the zeroes.
$2,290,000,000,000.00
With our current population of 280,000,000 this leaves the budget deficit at $8,178.57 per person. Bear in mind that the CBO is also probably reporting these figures optimistically because of its pro-Bush leanings. The inevitable rising price of oil, energy, and the costs of war could easily make these numbers significantly larger.
Bearing in mind that our national savings rate is negative and the average homeowner is in debt that is 8 to 10 times his or her annual income, I think you would be a fool - and also a terrorist - to dispute any claims that our economy is heating up.
[supply side bullshit]See, what will happen is that by engaging in exorbitent spending while cutting taxes, we'll make the economy grow so much that tax reciepts will increase dramatically. How do we increase tax revenue while cutting tax rates? Well you'd have to be a debunked economist to be able to understand it.[/supply side bullshit].
Because, really even if the economy (measured by GDP) grows 10% in the next decade as the proponents of these policies claim (which would be historically high growth), which is larger: 30% of $900 or 25% of $1000?
No pressure. Take your time. Use a calculator.
CIRCLE ALL THE THINGS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE
So. This exists.
Tatagirl.com, specifically. The website consists of a girl (who apparently makes a living selling naked pics of her roach-infested snatch on the internet) soliciting money to fix her crappy tattoos. According to her main site, jessiekitty.com (beware that she is an "evil zombie punk sex fiend" before visiting), this intellectual giant was a squatter, and in the process got some bad tattoos. As you can see from the photos she has provided, this is one point on which Ms. Kitty and ginandtacos.com will agree: her tattoos are fucking horrendous.
Nautical stars - that's original....were they out of "celtic" and "barbed wire"? The "daddy's girl" on the lower back is a nice touch, reminding whoever's banging her that she's underage, at least mentally. And how she plans to fix a large 'tribal' tattoo on her throat, I haven't a clue.
Theoretically, I'd support someone fixing up bad tattoos. But take a look at the "current goals" page to see what she wants to replace them with. Here, I'll save you the effort:
Listen. One does not replace bad tattoos with worse tattoos. Unless you're an evil zombie punk sex fiend, that is. I fear that this is only the beginning in a cycle of solicitations to cover christ-rapingly bad tattoos with worse ones, on and on, until she finally dies huffing paint. The main site already consists solely of about 100 separate linked requests to send this complete stranger money. Her right to be tattooed must be revoked until her judgment of "good" vs "bad" tattoos improves, lest society bear the cost of fixing them in perpetuity.
On a final note, check out the "contributers" (nicely misspelled) page. Now. Let us assume these are not fictional. Let us open our vast imaginations and visualize what manner of neurotic, obese loser would send this person money with nothing more than porn as a reward. I'm sure that it is not difficult to find naked pictures of her on the internet without money changing hands, guys.
Congratulations, Jessie Kitty: evil zombie punk sex fiend. Ginandtacos.com officially certifies that when you die, the coroner will list your cause of death as "God fixing his mistake".
September 05, 2004
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
I have no idea what everyone is talking about with "Sky Captain and the City of Tomorrow." Critics appear to be loving the movie as it is an almost totally digital experience that isn't a complete failure (a la the recent rash of Star Wars prequels and the two Matrix sequels). I'm not cynical enough where I can associate "not a failure" with "good" - even for Hollywood summer releases.
This movie invokes a world of sci-fi serials and images of what people in the 1930s would have thought the future to look like, but it falls flat after that. I wasn't looking for much, but the two basic rules of making an American adventure popcorn movie is (a) make the lead likable and (b) bring the audience into all the excitement. Jude Law is given a lot of time to look pretty, but doesn't have any sense of anything other than male model about him. Any excitement to be had is sucked away by the digital effects - but not for the reason that most of these movies fail with too many special effects.
The coloring of the film is where effects work has been done. Everything has a deep saturation to it; newsrooms are all in brown, skylines blue, etc. The lighting is done in a way that it looks good - technically that's a feat. The highlights don't bleed into the whites, the characters all look sharp, and everything has it's proper hue. I guess some critics were drawn in by this look of vintage sci-fi magazines aged to odd colors in old bookstores - I had the opposite reaction.
All the odd coloring kept me at a distance. With everyone visually at odds to me, I couldn't really feel one thing or the other for anybody. This is fine for the first act or so, but at some point they should have dropped the heavy effects and let the audience actually enjoy the story and characters. The story being kinda dumb doesn't help. Not even Angelina Jolie, in an outfit suitable for female comic book characters and/or sex industry workers, could make this movie interesting. Skip it.
September 02, 2004
pretend you got no money.
Work today sucks. These links do not.
1) Dave Kehr's New DVD reviews. I'm a huge fan of Dave Kehr. His reviews for the chicago reader and the chicago tribune from 74-92 still stand strong today. He's a brilliant critic, with just enough theory and humor behind his writing to get you to think about your favorite movies in a brand new way. However, ever since taking off for New York he hasn't found a good venue for himself (outside of Film Comment). He's been reduced to doing bi-weekly profiles for the New York Times; nobody from Chicago should have to take a backseat to Janet Maslin and her nytimes cronies.
Now he has finally found his outlet. Every Tuesday he reviews the latest DVDs coming out. With the way DVDs are now perfectly timed to theaterical releases and other DVDs, he can take jabs at what is playing at the weekly googloplex or form a column of serial reviews around a singular idea. That link has all of his columns (scroll down) for free in the backlog. It's probably the most entertaining and clever writing on movies that is done weekly - Enjoy!
2) William Shatner covering Pulp's Common People. Either you get it or you don't. This is the first track off his upcoming album, Has Been (shorter clips at that website), which will feature duets with Aimee Mann, Ben Folds (also the producer), and Henry Rollins among others.
If you don't get it, but want to try, I'd recommend renting the movie Free Enterprise. The movie stars a very young Eric McCormack, who is no doubt embarrassed as hell that this movie was one of his first starring roles. For those who already get it, Star Trek Series One Season One is now available in stores!
I used to be the biggest Next Gen fan, but as I get older I'm far more into the original series. The Next Gen is very, to put it bluntly, corporate, with all the staff meetings and flat hierarchies and team-building tasks. There's a lot of problem solving through communication between teams and rational dialogue. The original series has a lot more fighting and go-go dancers. The set design is straight out of an Eero Saarinen retrospective, and the special effects are campy beyond belief. And there is almost always someone in a rubber lizard suit chasing people. What world would you rather live in?
