ginandtacos.com - shut up and drink the gin

STOCKBROKERS OR RAPISTS: WHICH ARE MORE NUMEROUS IN HEAVEN?

So let me take a minute to share with you a cold, hard reality about the financial markets, namely the way in which they wildly reward the outsourcing and elimination of jobs.

Winn-Dixie, one of North America's largest supermarket chains, announced today that it is eliminating 10,000+ jobs and closing 156 stores. In the response that is common to such news on Wall Street, the stock was immediately trading as much as 5-7% higher. Similarly, Gateway rose from the dead after closing all 135 of its retail locations (2500+ jobs lost, 1500 more in April) in March. Kraft Foods and Sun Microsystems experienced similar boosts in reaction to job cuts in early 2004. In fact, it's such a well-accepted tenent of the financial markets that pointing out individual examples is almost unnecessary.

This is approximately equal to society gathering on the front lawn of a neighbor and applauding him for evicting his children. "Good job, John, we were waiting to see more fiscally responsible behavior from your household. You've been taking a loss on the costs of your infants for the past 2 years. It was time for you to downsize a little. Here, have a medal. We are glad you see that the more cost-effective solution to parenting is to send your 70 cents per day to a Third World child, where food and benefits cost less."

Far be it from me to lapse into theology, but if there is a hell, it is populated mostly by economists and traders who roast over fires kindled with Klansmen.

Can Someone Please Explain To Me What The Hell Is Happening in Fallujah.

I don’t claim to be an expert on global politics, and particularly not on military strategy. So, perhaps it is possible that this is why the situation in Fallujah has confused me for the last several weeks.

Lets see if we can figure this out.

November 2003- Three helicopters are shot down killing 25 people

3/31/2004- Four US “security guards” are killed and mutilated

4/5/2004- Heavy fighting is reported in Fallujah, Donald Rumsfeld promises a “methodical effort” to punish those responsible for the killings. 4-8 marines (depending on if you use logical or “pentagon” counting) are killed in what officials refer to as “security and stabilization” activities.

4/7/2004- Situation still not “secure” or “stable.” Eye witness Tony Perry of the Los Angeles Times reports:
"There were platoon-sized groups. They brought in buses, blocked off streets, hit the Marines with counterfire," Perry said. The insurgents also "had anti-aircraft facilities that were shooting at the helicopters."

4/8/2004- Still nothing much has changed, US decides to halt “offensive” operations to talk to Iraqi officials in hope of a cease fire. Apparently the Iraqis didn’t care. Fighting continued, one marine is killed.

4/9/2004- Doctors report 450 dead and 1000 wounded in fighting. Iraqi officials are referring to the United States operation as genocide. Still not much has changed despite constant reassurance that the situation will be calming down soon. In light of the fact that the Iraqis did not seem to pay any attention to the fact that we had declared a cease fire, the United States decides to escalate actions in the area by sending an additional battalion.

To avoid this getting too long, lets skip some of what is essentially more of the same.

4/19/2004- Some agreement is reached. The “coalition” agrees that they will end the siege if the “insurgents” turn in all their heavy weaponry and give themselves up. This does not seem like much of a compromise. The US warns that soon they will have to resume offensive operations.

4/20/2004- Rumsfelt warns of potential new Fallujah offensive. Claiming, “We won’t wait forever.”

4/25/2004- US extends the deadline. U.S. Army spokesman Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt:
"if we don't start seeing delivery, we will cease the discussions and start other options," [presumably “other options are ending their theoretical cease fire]

4/27/2004- I guess we are giving it a go again. Warplanes are reported to be dropping bombs on Fallujah.

4/29/2004- After several days of bombing US announces a plan to pull out.

4/30/2004- In a bizarre twist, the Unites States presents the world with its “plan.” US troops will leave Fallujah to be gradually replaced by an Iraqi force led by one of Sadaam Hussein’s former generals who was apparently “carefully chosen.”

So excuse me for not knowing what the hell is happening here. We go in, claim we are going to take back the city. After a week of not much changing declare a cease-fire that is largely ignored by everyone. After two weeks of the United States making absurd demands pretty much consisting of “give us the city back and we won’t kill you,” we bomb the hell out of them for two days. Then I guess it seems like to much work and probably too politically costly to stay there, and we choose a plan of gradual withdrawal replacing ourselves with native forces? I see, I swear I have heard this plan somewhere before.

Anyone who understands what is happening here please leave a comment. Personally I just constantly hear in the news that we have a “plan.” This “plan” turns out to be somewhat akin to someone’s drunken NASCAR watching dad. He asks you to get him a can of Old Milwaukee 50 times because he is too lazy to get off the couch, then he beats the shit out of you, and asks your mom to get it for him.

And Finally....The Mustache Contest

So the day finally came. Well, actually the day finally came on monday; it just took me three days to complete the point by point commentary on the actual competition. Lets be fair, I couldn't build the thing up for three weeks then let you down with a marginally complete page.

Now, see the mustache competition in all its horrible glory.

Click Here

and don't forget to refresh your memory here

ABANDON THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS, FOR THEY TEACH NO RUG BRAIDING

There are very few things that can honestly cause me to make a downward adjustment in my outlook on mankind, but I'm pretty sure that the Training Our Daughters to be Keepers at Home website is one of them.

Irrefutable evidence that God does, contrary to popular opinion, make junk

It chronicles the home-schooled education of the daughters of Phil and Ginny (pictured) Ingram, who decided that their methods of warping their children were so wonderful and Godly that they had to share it with all of us.

At this point, assuming you have at least glanced at the link, I challenge anyone to bet me $10 that one or both of those girls will not end up A) a bondage-obsessed coke-snorting lesbian B) dead by suicide C) in a bell tower with a .223 bolt-action rifle and a thermos full of Excedrin pills.

For those who choose not to browse directly, I'll cover some of the topics that Mr. and Mrs. Ingram were prescient enough to realize that our public schools do not teach: Godly Womanhood, Flower Arranging, Child Bearing, Raising Small Animals, Making Greeting Cards, Caring for the Elderly, and other things that have me on my hands and knees praying for a fucking comet to hit the Earth.

Please note: nothing on that list is an actual educational subject.

In 1979, despairing of the Carter administration's inability to free American hostages in Iran, Ross Perot's crazy ass hired an army of mercenaries to go spring some of his employees. While such vigilanteism was met with condemnation by everyone to the political left of Randy Weaver, it was nonetheless effective. I had never previously considered the moral propriety of such an act, but at this point I believe the most noble thing I could do in this lifetime would involve hiring a half-dozen Blackwater Security guys to go rescue those poor girls.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE FILL THIS WOMAN'S GUESTBOOK WITH BILE.

he`s the greatest performer every-since, uhh, what's the guys name?

James Brown. He wants you to know he's doing quite well, and that the charges are being dropped "out of love." Click on "click here to download" to view - it's worth it (via erstwhile.net).

I was searching for my best friend from high school on friendster, and found this guy, a 42 year old from NJ (he's not the high school friend). I only bring it up because his only testimonial is from a 20 year old girl in the Philippines and includes the statement:

he loves surprising and the first few things he sent me are 7pcs of victoria's secret undies, a cute teddybear named chubbs and a money order worth 200$..after this..lots more gifts from him..

I thought the time the staff of ginandtacos.com gave strippers money orders for $1.75 each was the shadiest use of a money order ever - then we found friendster. I love the idea of an international gift basket which includes a teddy bear, underwear, and a money order. (fans and enemies please feel free to friendster us at gin@ginandtacos.com - also to send us underwear and money orders).

Erik's mustache diaries comes to it's terrifying conclusion (with sexy results) sometime today or tomorrow - here's a teaser until then.

Ginandtacos to Tribune Company: We stand behind wilmington

According to web rumor mills, The Chicago Tribune, which has evidently not made enough money from scalping Cubs tickets, is going to ditch their film critic Michael Wilmington in exchange for New York Times film critic Elvis Mitchell (The Trib denies this).. They are trying to position themselves with a celebrity darling critic to compete against same-town rivals Ebert/Roeper; this may be part of a large campaign to beat down the Sun Times while their ownership is up in the air.

This is after, according to yet another rumor, that Mitchell is leaving the Times after losing the chief film critic slot to A.O. Scott. Now we here at ginandtacos.com like Elvis Mitchell with all of his insane metaphors - and we respect both him and Scott for bringing wit and intelligence to a position that Janet Maslin all but destroyed (don't get us started on Maslin).

But we'll be damn if Chicago is going to eat the scraps off New York's table. Wilmington is an excellent critic, very dedicated to film in the chicago community, and very much a product of a city with some of the best film criticism in the United States. Leave a comment showing your support for Mr. Wilmington and/or say if you are also going to be pissed off at the Trib if they take this switch.

HE'S A HYBRID OF GOD AND OTIS WILSON

Not since Edward the Confessor's passing have the English people had a champion quite like Angle Grinder Man.

Angle Grinder Man is a populist hero who roams the streets at dusk with a gas-powered angle grinder (a piece of industrial equipment used to wear through metal and stone) sawing through the Denver Boots on ticketed parked cars. He serves without hope of reward, although he does leave a small envelope on each car asking the owner to send a small donation to a PO Box if they so desire.

In the hierarchy of the greatest men who have ever lived, Angle Grinder Man fits in a slot somewhere between Ghandi and Casimir Pulaski.

Are you both drunk and unemployed?

If this sounds like you, then ginandtacos.com would like to be the first to inform you of this rewarding career oppertunity at Heaven Hill Distilleries Inc, better known as the makers of Burnett's Vodka and Gin.

If you feel that you have the what it takes to be the marketing manager for this midsized corporation, look at the job description found at:

Manage Sir Robert Burnett's Liquor Marketing

How is your mustache coming?

Throughout history many fine men have grown mustaches- not that there is really any correlation between the strength of a man's character, and his ability to grow facial hair. In fact, often times the complete opposite is true. Never in history has this been more the case than when talking about the Mike and Molly's official mustache comeptition.

Here is the story. On monday the fifth of april all those who thought they had the nerve had to show up at the bar clean shaven to be examined by competition officials. Upon varifiying the smoothness of the upperlip, you are allowed to compete. You now have three weeks to allow your mustache hair to flourish.

On the 26th of April many a mustachioed competitor will decend on Mike and Molly's to have their growth judged by an impartial panel of past winners, bar employees and friends. The judgment is based not entirely on the thickness of mustache, but on the skill of the preformer. Having the perfect mustache personality is an absolute must.

This year I decided to let the ginandtacos readers behind the scenes. Typically the average spectator will only see the mustache from in front of the stage on the 26th. I am going to change all that.

Take a look into the sordid world of competitive mustache growth

"Hi, it's me, Kirk. Welcome to the Way of the Master"

My god. This isn't a joke. Please, for the love of all that is good, go to: The Way of the Master webpage and make sure you click on "high speed" - trust me, it's worth it.

"The Way of the Master" sounds too much like a Chinese martial arts movie to be taken seriously. You are going to want to believe that this is a hoax - but I don't think it is.

BLANKET GENERALIZATIONS: CRITICAL THINKING FOR IDIOTS

George Washington and his fellow terrorists attack their British liberators

While the Patriot Act is good for an almost endless supply of gut laughs, my favorite under-the-radar post-9/11 free-for-all piece of pseudo-legislation has to be Executive Order 13224. No clever jingoistic name, just a number. It's the act that designated certain foreign organizations as terrorist groups and allows the United States law enforcement community to freeze financial assets of such groups.

Of course, even if this was more well-publicized, no one would have argued against it. It's a fact that dangerous terrorist groups like Al-Qaida or the Abu Sayyaf used American-owned businesses named things like Al-Hamati Sweets Bakeries ( I'm not making this up) to launder and funnel funds to terrorists.

Here's the rub. In typical kid-in-a-candy-store fashion, this administration chose to indulge its biases, or perhaps simply showcase its base ignorance, by blanketing the terrorist label on basically any group they didn't happen to like. In retrospect, I'm tempted to laud their restraint for not putting the League of Women Voters and Greenpeace on it.

While they're clearly having trouble with their rudimentary macroeconomics lessons and I don't want to interrupt their glacial learning process, I feel compelled to offer the neo-conservative world a quick history lesson: THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED BY "TERRORISTS" if Executive Order 13224 is the definition of terrorism. Remember Washington, Adams, Jefferson, and all the other Revolutionary War heroes? I hate to break it to you, but they were armed with more than colorful language. And they intended to hurt the Brits. In many instances, they did. Once they even made an attack against British private interests in the US...in a harbor somewhere, I think.

One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. When the Mujahadeen of Afghanistan fought the Soviets in the 80s, we were on their side. We love the idea of the little guy (America / Afghanistan) fighting the bloated colonial oppresors (Britain / Russia). Reagan called them "freedom fighters" and armed them to the teeth. Of course, those Mujahadeen used their CIA training and weapons to eventually found Al-Qaida, but that's another rant.

The point is, most of the groups on that list are vile terrorists. But some of them are groups committed to fighting for freedom in the same way we did 225 years ago. The IRA or Sendero Luminoso or the Tamil Tigers or the June78 group or the ETA or the Nepalese Maoists are as much terrorists as George Washington and Nelson Mandela. Are they violent? Yup. That's pretty much how people win their freedom. Last time I checked it was never handed to anyone. We sure as hell had to fight for it.

Expecting anyone in this political climate to understand such a distinction is obviously unreasonable. But from now on, every time you spend a dollar bill, remember that your money prominently features a terrorist as defined by Executive Order 13224 of these United States of America.

JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T SURE LIFE ISN'T FAIR....

So the Indiana University campus is buzzing over the fact that on Monday afternoon, a 22 year old student threw a chair through the window of a 9th story classroom in Ballentine Hall and jumped.

I think approximately 15% of the horror results from the disturbing nature of the incident, which I watched happen, while the other 85% stems from the fact that he was basically unhurt.

Don't get me wrong, he's hurt. And still in the hospital. But this man plunged 150 or so feet onto concrete and didn't even break a bone. Or get knocked unconscious. The first people on the scene, expecting to see a splattered blob of ketchup, instead found him sitting upright and talking. The worst injuries he received, according to published reports, are cuts from broken glass.

This man is clearly Unbreakable, and every person who falls on on a ladder or their basement stairs and ends up dying is his Samuel Jackson.

And on a completely insensitive note, memo to suicide jumpers: go head first if you're serious. And if you're not, then don't jump, because your odds aren't all that good. Unless you're this guy.

More Random Links from Erik

Also due to feeling the pressures of graduate student life, I am going to give you random links to make up for actual updates.

The NYT talking about the use of MRI in determining political leanings Although from a scientific standpoint, this research is at the point where it can be refered to as dubious at best, their "conclusions" are quite amusing. You will need a NYT login to view this article. If you don't already have one, and don't want to sign up for one, use ours:

login:ginandtacos
password:ginandtacos

If you don't have much time a brief on the same story from the drudgereport.com....bear in mind that he left out some of the more interesting tidbits about the apparent differences between conservatives and liberals.

Teenagers are actually are interested in news Yes, but since the study also concludes that they "hate reading" is this really good news?

What is the nature of our involvement in Syria? This is admittedly a very sketchy source, but interesting nonetheless - primarily because some of the statements attributed to US government officaials seem remarkably similar to rhetoric describing our involvement in Laos and Cambodia in early 1970.

Let me leave you with this quote from Kevin Spacey after his ill-fated late night "dog walking" incident. Apparently he was "conned" into giving some kid his cell phone, then tripped over his dog in an attempt to pursue the child. He proceeded to lie to the police and claim he was mugged.

"You know walking your dog in the park is a perfectly normal thing to do, but, you know, I think that they are always trying to, you know, [say] 'What was he doing in that park at 4:30 am.?' My doggy had to go!"

By the way, if I were to actually say this I could be sued, so I will just insinuate. This incident took place in London, I have on good authority from someone who was there recently that there are pamphlets around the city saying going to parks late at night are a good way so score yourself some hot anonymous same-sex loving.

random tuesday links

Updates to the main content soon (some reviews, some new neocon bingo tiles, and more!), but for now, while the staff of ginandtacos.com suffers under deadlines and term projects, here's some random stuff off the internet:

Doonesbury. Read it, even if you are a new fan, and especially if you haven't read it in a while. B.D. is one of the first characters from the strip (from way back around 1971), who has just recently gone off to fight in Iraq. Bush in Iraq has gotten under Trudeau like Reagan with the AIDS crisis, and he's using a character to let it be known.

New Yorker Profile of Aaron McGruder; it's surprisingly critical (for the new yorker anyway), and it explains why "The Boondocks" has been, well, crappy since last fall (he's given the artwork off to someone else while trying to expand into other media). I'll try and get a reaction to it in the comics section while my boss isn't looking.

Retrospective of Rem Koolhaas, just in time for the opening of his Public Library in Seattle. I'd recommend getting over to the IIT student union (pictured in that profile) whenever you are in Chicago - it's worth all the fuss it's getting.

All the times Giles has been knocked out on Buffy. This is in honor of the fact that Angel, which is having an amazing Season Five, is leaving the networks for good in 1 month. I know the page is missing a few (the living puppet episode the demon gets him in order to try and eat his brains). We may need our own list compiled.

The Sopranos' obsession with having to use the bathroom. I'm glad the show recovered from a so-so season 4 to be worth talking about again. Like Angel, it's having an amazing season 5. The article also calls out the network for having the shows with the most (Sex and the City) and least (Sopranos) glamorous view of American affluence right next to each other:

Compare, for instance, the joyless wealth of the New Jersey clan with Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw and her feel-good material girlfriends. Nowhere else on cable is American consumerism as scathingly portrayed as it is among Tony and his families. If Sex and the City caused its viewers to fantasize about A-list night-clubbing in Manhattan, closets stuffed with designer shoes, apartments in Soho, and eating out seven nights a week, The Sopranos is about rubbing our noses in the grossness of stuff. Once you tunnel under the Hudson River, the unchic nightclubs are packed with creepy guys ogling fake-breasted pole dancers, your clothes came off a truck, real estate is just another shakedown, and dinner is cold pizza.

DAMN MOOCHIN' WAR WIDOWS......

Most people are no doubt aware that retired military veterans receive a pension from the government in this country. When the soldier dies, his or her spouse also continues to receive the pension.

So imagine the surprise, and subsequent mental calculations, that greeted me when I discovered that there is still one living Civil War widow receiving a pension.

Miss Alberta Martin, born in 1906, married one William Jasper Martin in 1927. William was 81 at the time, and Alberta was only 21. But she realized that if she married the old geezer before his imminent death, she would get his pension for life. William, a veteran of the Confederate 4th Alabama Infantry, died shortly after their wedding. As planned, no doubt.

After her husband's death, Alberta married his grandson. She is still alive and receiving his monthly pension in Dothan, Alabama.

And you wonder where we get these wild stereotypes about the south.

Air America Troubles

So I wasn't hallucinating when I turned on Chicago 950AM yesterday morning to find several people talking in spanish instead of liberal talk radio station Air America. I knew 950AM was a spanish station before Air America bought its airtime, but I didn't think they would be pulled after so little time.

Well, yeah, they did get pulled from the Chicago Market, and the L.A. Market as well. Air America finally got around to releasing a statement blasting the station owners for doing this; the Majority Report blog says that the same people own the Chicago and LA radio stations, and want more for LA, and are using Chicago as leverage. The radio owners said that Air America bounced a check for a million dollars, and aren't paying their bills. It was fun while it lasted. Here's the injunction Air America filed to get back on the air.

To be honest, besides Franken and Garafalo's shows, the rest was mostly filler at best. I think it will be better if they can pool their resources on developing those two shows and have them fight it out on the networks each on their own (like, ya know, every other editorial talk show, including Hannity and Limbaugh) instead of trying to create an entire network out of thin air; if you listen close enough you can hear the money going down the toilet while the godawful Randi rants, or Lizz Winstead and Rachel Maddow sort of make logical arguments while Chuck D sleeps.

A Plan for a Plan?

I was distressed to find out the the typical dose of reality television had been preempted for the third primetime news conference of Bush's "presidency". Although watching Average Joe Hawaii, or whatever the fuck else would have been on clearly would have caused me to regress socially, listening to George Bush Jr. speak did something far far worse.

Source: BBC World News, April 14 2004

* Disclaimer: All quotes were taken from the official Whitehouse transcript. Having watched the speech, I can say with some certainty that George Bush occasionally "elaborated" on some points.

"It's not a civil war; it's not a popular uprising. Most of Iraq is relatively stable. Most Iraqis, by far, reject violence and oppose dictatorship. In forums where Iraqis have met to discuss their political future, and in all the proceedings of the Iraqi Governing Council, Iraqis have expressed clear commitments. They want strong protections for individual rights; they want their independence; and they want their freedom."

It would seem that a lot of them simply want "their freedom" from us. Out of curiosity, how many Iraqis need to pick up a gun and shoot at us before it qualifies as a "popular uprising" or "civil war"?

"In Fallujah, coalition forces have suspended offensive operations, allowing members of the Iraqi Governing Council and local leaders to work on the restoration of central authority in that city."

Source: New York Times, April 14 2004

Apparently no one informed the Bush administration that when you have control of a city and people start attacking you, then they are the ones engaging in offensive operations.....not you. Perhaps Bush was hopeful that the Iraqis would be so overwhelmed by our generosity that they would stop trying to retake the city.

"The people know where I stand. I mean, in terms of Iraq, I was very clear about what I believed. And, of course, I want to know why we haven't found a weapon yet. But I still know Saddam Hussein was a threat, and the world is better off without Saddam Hussein. I don't think anybody can -- maybe people can argue that. I know the Iraqi people don't believe that, that they're better off with Saddam Hussein -- would be better off with Saddam Hussein in power. I also know that there's an historic opportunity here to change the world. And it's very important for the loved ones of our troops to understand that the mission is an important, vital mission for the security of America and for the ability to change the world for the better."

This was in a response to a question asking whether or not it was fair for people to criticize Bush's adimistration for never admitting a mistake. He seems to contradict himself several times; nevermind the fact that he doesn't seem to even slightly address what was asked. Perhaps you can make some sense out of this answer. I can't.

"I don't plan on losing my job. I plan on telling the American people that I've got a plan to win the war on terror. And I believe they'll stay with me. They understand the stakes. Look, nobody likes to see dead people on their television screens -- I don't. .... It is a -- it is -- it's a chance to hug and weep and to console and to remind the loved ones that the sacrifice of their loved one was done in the name of security for America and freedom for the world."

Let me see if I've got this: He has a plan? He plans on telling us his plan? Perhaps he plans on having a plan? This makes me feel very secure. I guess I should just rest assured that a plan for a plan, whose dissemination is planned is going to ensure "security for America and freedom for the world."

Whew.

I am glad I am not a liberal or terrorist, or I might have been a bit distressed by this speech.

For More Information:
Here is the official transcript, I suggest reading it. Reading and quoting this speech made me tired and disheartened, I could not possibly include everything that merited reading.
The official Whitehouse transcript
The BBC does a good job here of summarizing press reaction to the speech.
BBC World News- "Press Unimpressed"

getting old

Well, here's a reason why I can celebrate turning 25 in July - I'm that much closer to being out of the eligible range for a draft. During the weekend, Ralph Nader held a press conference where he told youth that another draft was coming. "The Pentagon is quietly recruiting new members to fill local draft boards" - which I'm trying to find independent confirmation of, but even the hint of it is scary enough.

People hit the trenches on the radio this morning about the possibility of a draft; a major theme for everyone how the youth today "have it so easy" and "are too busy worrying about Christina Aguilera than worrying about issues in the world" (an actual quote). As if all people ages 17-20 in 1966 were sitting around talking about containment theory instead of smoking and debating whether Clapton was a better guitarist than Hendrix; and if young people have it any easier today than 25 years ago I'd really like someone to explain it to me in concrete terms.

Speaking of people who should never see combat, aspiring Navy S.E.A.L., ginandtacos.com founder, and biophysics grad student Erik Martin turns 25 this week! Email him a b-day wish, and see how his competitive mustache growth is going.

I HOPE YOU'RE CHOKING ON YOUR DAMN $300 BONUS TAX REBATE

The Congressional Budget Office just announced that the March budget deficit - once again this is FOR ONE MONTH - was a record-setting $72.7 billion dollars. Let's write that out in long form.

$72,700,000,000.00. In 31 days. That's a bad deficit for A YEAR, let alone a month. Now, let's have some fun with math. During March, the deficit grew:

$2,322,580,645.00 per day
$96,774,193.00 per hour
$1,612,903.00 per minute
$26,881.00 per second

It's clear who is to blame in this situation: Bill Clinton.

And there's clearly only one solution: cutting taxes.

THESE COLORS DON'T RUN. THEY ENGAGE IN WAR PROFITEERING.

This beautiful image represents Halliburton's stock price over the last 18 months. Quick translation into english: if you owned $1,000,000 worth of stock in July of 2002, before the invasion of Iraq became imminent, you now have about $3,000,000.

Dick Cheney's exercisable stock options, which he of course retains even though it's a clear conflict of interest, total about $40 million in the form of 3 separate batches of 433,333 shares of stock.

Well, they DID total $40 million. It's worth closer to $100,000,000 million now. The added value comes mostly from stock price increases related to the company's KBR subsidiary which, through an open-ended contract (both in term and amount) that was not open to competitive bidding, supposedly provides the army with supplies and reconstruction services. I say "supposedly", of course, because KBR is currently under investigation by the Justice Department for billing the government for phantom supplies that were never delivered and grossly overcharging on supplies that were - not that $7 per gallon of gasoline is excessive.

I'm aware that everyone basically already knew (or assumed) Halliburton was on the receiving end of some shady deals involving Cheney, but I thought it would be fun and enlightening to see in concrete terms how much money it's put in his own pocket, notwithstanding all the other leeches outside of public domain. He personally made in excess $30,000,000 off the decision to go to war. But you'd be a foolish liberal, and also a terrorist, to claim that the lure of that much money would color his objectivity.

Have some fun with Cheney and all his friends on ginandtacos.com's neocon bingo - a faith-based bingo initiative intended to promote abstinence in the Third World.

Tarantino's Universe

Dave Kehr's Kill Bill Allusion Chart

Dave Kehr was an excellent movie critic for the Chicago Reader from 1974 to 1985; he helped established the tone of the Reader's reviews as being the beachhead against the Pauline Kael style of movie criticism that would later dominate all of movie-reviewing; he created the mold for Jonathan Rosenbaum to fill at a later date.

Kehr left his Chicago, like everyone does, to arrive already obscelent in New York City. Where the reader gave him pages and pages (and love!), The New York Times gives him 4 paragraphs to review whatever A.O. Scott and Stephen Holden pass over (for instance, he got to review The Rock's latest movie).

Kehr gives as good as a stab at explaining what Tarantino is up to in Kill Bill as anyone I've seen. And he knows more than enough to walk you through some of the more rocky references; things like the difference between the skillful Chinese martial arts movie tradition versus the sloppy and blood-soaked Japanese tradition , and where spaghetti westerns fit into it all. He also catches a lot that I missed (confession: I had no idea that David Carradine was the monk from the TV series Kung-Fu that is brought up in Pulp Fiction). If the second part is actually focused on various forms of westerns it gives me hope that the Vol. split in the movie wasn't just a marketing decision or a last minute hesitation but actually fits into the overall project.

And damn if that Uma Thurman as John Wayne in "Searchers" shot doesn't make me want to simultaneously hug and slap the guy.

Mustache Growth.

For all of you interested in watching me make a fool out of myself, visit the mustache diaries

*will permanently be linked from Things Erik Hates

THAT SPINNING SOUND IS JUST KURT, DEAR.

I'm starting to think that Courtney Love is not human, but instead she is a bizarre sociological experiment in which Stanford researchers are trying to see just how far the envelope of talentless cuntery can be pushed before the nation collectively vomits.

Click here to hear a clip of a song off her new album. Really, do it. It's only 10 seconds long.

Now, it doesn't exactly take an intricate knowledge of chord theory to note the EVER SO SLIGHT resemblance to another song that you may be familiar with. You can almost hear Satan and David Geffen high-fiving in the background.

In the words of Bill Hicks: "Jesus....what balls!"

If you need to cleanse yourself after that clip audibly shat upon your soul, stop by the ginandtacos.com music page and read up on some music that was not written with a pen full of bile upon paper fashioned from the charred remains of our sense of decency.

Private Enterprise defending the castle

Like the rest of the United States, media or otherwise, I had never heard about Blackwater Security until last week, when four of it's private contractors were killed in the Sunni Triangle. And again, like everyone else, I assumed that they were private contractors, hired to do the things that the army couldn't, like putting out oil fires or getting the electricity back up and running.

So it was very surprising when I flipped open the Post to find a story about Blackwater Security guards being the only people defending the government's base in Najaf (their headline: Private Guards Repel Attack on U.S. Headquarters). During all the rioting going on in Iraq over the weekend, several hundred armed Iraqis stormed the CPA's main government building in Najaf - and the only people who held them off were 1 marine and 8 Blackwater Security guards. Also, Blackwater "sent in its own helicopters amid an intense firefight to resupply its commandos with ammunition". Wow, that sounds like something the military should be doing, not hiring people to do. It's important to note that in the picture above, from the CPA, with the exception of the one marine in camos everyone else is one of those private contractors you hear about (evidently not putting out oil fires - notice how that one guy is wearing a collared work shirt with his assult rifle!!!)

What's the benefit to Bush of doing things this way? One is that he doesn't have to count these people as soliders - making the number of americans gunning away in Iraq less. The other? From the Post: "A Defense Department spokesman said that there were no military reports about the opening hours of the siege on CPA headquarters in Najaf because there were no military personnel on the scene." So much for accountability and transparency. The government, the military and the people they serve/protect will be able to get the reports on that seige from Blackwater headquarters the day after you can subpoena the secret herbs and spices from KFC.

HEY, DOES ANYONE KNOW THE ARABIC FOR "UNCLE TOM"?

The situation in Iraq is, of course, asinine to the point that it isn't even worth going into. But in light of today's well-organized violent uprising in the city of Ramadi (12 US Marines killed, per CNN) we here at ginandtacos.com would just like to start openly soliciting bets for how long the puppet government we've set up will last after we hand it over.

Which is currently scheduled to happen on June 30.

Remember, America, it's not like Vietnam. Vietnam has TREES and Iraq has NO TREES. Can't you see the difference, pinko?

You'd think with all that money they could afford sturdier clothes

It really is shameless. You would think one prominent pop musician baring her breasts in public would be enough for one year. However, not to be upstaged, and possibly fearing that her truly dignified lesbianesque imagery was fading from public eye, Britney Spears experienced a similar "wardrobe malfunction" last night in front of a innocent unsuspecting crowd of radio executives (affectionately described by Roe Conn of WLS am as balding and wearing silk jackets). Although no one is accusing her of doing it intentionally, good god, can't she afford clothing that won't break apart under the stress of singing sappy teen pop?

This girl is clearly losing it. I suppose this really shouldn't surprise anyone. I guess when you are constantly trying to out-skank yourself, things are bound to take a turn for the worse. But hell, since we are all human and enjoy a good train wreck lets take a step back for a moment and examine these pictures displayed in chronological order.

1999	2002	2004

Well, that was amusing for about 37 seconds. If you are really interested in this story, the only place I have found reporting it is listed below. And no you creepy bastard, there are no pictures.....and I imagine all of those middle aged radio executives are fine upstanding members of society and they will never find their way onto the internet.

The only place reporting this as of right now

And remember, regardless of what her publicist says, nothing- under any circumstances- ever happens in Las Vegas at 6 AM while sober. Nothing.

Remember, ginandtacos.com will be the next pitchforkmedia, and read our record reviews

DON'T WORRY, THE MARKET IS JUST CORRECTING YOUR STANDARD OF LIVING

On the heels of the "308,000 new jobs created in March", corporate America has been displaying its rapier sense of irony. In the past five business days...

Gateway - closing all retail stores, cutting 2,500 jobs
Sun Microsystems - 3,300 layoffs announced on Thursday
Bank of America - 12,500 management-level positions eliminated today
Thomson - 600 research & development jobs eliminated
SBC Ameritech - 4000 layoffs announced in December begin taking effect
IBM - 4700 layoffs announced in early January begin taking effect
Todd Pacific - nation's largest ocean shipping company fires 500
Washington Mutual Insurance - 200 more layoffs bring their total since August to 7,400
Raytheon - makers of the Patriot missile can 72 administrative workers effective April 1
MCI Telecom - Announce 4000 layoffs, blaming "do-not-call" lists for reducing call center staff
Lockheed Martin - 45 administrative layoffs, effective immediately
Axicom Database Solutions - 230 jobs terminated, tipping the balance for the company's overseas workforce (6,430) to outnumber the domestic (6,388)
Wayne County - Detroit, Michigan announces off 2300 city employees, including 900 public school teachers, will be laid off effective July 1.
Mellon Financial Services - 300 jobs moved from Everett, WA to India. Everett city leaders investigating the possibility of suing the company.
Kraft Foods - announce that 400 Niles, IL factory jobs will be eliminated on January 1.
Johnson Controls - manufacturing giant announced that 1,065 factory jobs in Kentucky and Wisconsin will be moved to Mexico in July
Steelcase Inc - world's #1 office furniture manufacturer eliminates 9,300 jobs worldwide
EMI Records - 1500 jobs eliminated, including Jacksonville, IL manufacturing facility

That's IN THE LAST FIVE FUCKING DAYS, PEOPLE.

But you would be a fool, and possibly a terrorist, to overlook the tremendous gains the economy made in the crucial "grocery baggers returning to work after a strike" and "migrant fruit pickers" industries, which collectively "created" 203,000 jobs during March.

See, all that matters is the aggregate number of jobs, you silly pinko. If a million people lose a million well-paid jobs but the economy responds by creating a million menial, service-industry, minimum wage, no-benefits jobs, then we didn't really lose any jobs at all.

Oh, and here's one of the links (along with cnbc.com) that provided this information.

Have a nice day.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

One of the legacies of Pulp Fiction across the way smaller, more independent film is done in America is an emphasis on cleverness. Like a lot of things, Tarantino inherited this from the French New Wave and immediately made it his own, and was talented (or lucky, depending on your opinion) enough to do a good job of it. An emphasis on subtle (and not-so-subtle) allusions to all of pop culture, a bag full of narrative tricks and devices, the kind of cinematography and editing that seemed designed to simply show off, characters who are either too-cool-for-school or sad losers to whom you can feel superior, and a knowing audience (and the baseline cynicism they bring) were suddenly very in vogue – something that was made concrete by the surprise major success of “The Usual Suspects.”

Enter the cleverest of a generation of clever screenwriters, Charlie Kaufman. His movies are the kind of complex brain puzzles that get so lost in its own style that it views the idea of having to have an ending with contempt (Adaptation). He was so good at this, his movies seemed like the possible culmination of the *wink wink* snarky cinema for which the 90s will probably be remembered. So it’s so satisfying to see him be behind a movie that has one of the strongest emotional cores of any movie released this decade: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

In this movie, Jim Carrey stars as a man named Joel Barish, yet another prototypical Kauffman loser stand-in, dating the vibrant but troubled Clementine Kruczynski (Kate Winslet). After a particularly nasty breakup, Clementine goes through a process where all her memories of their relationship are erased from her head. Joel, after learning about this, decides to go through the same procedure, but while his memories are being erased decides he doesn’t want it and tries to fight back. That’s where things get interesting.

For a movie that sounds on its surface to be a sci-fi thriller to turn out to be such a complex reflection on memory, and the way we remember and forget the things that matter the most to us is a very pleasant surprise. The cast is all in top shape. Jim Carrey is able to blend into the movie and serve its goal rather than dominate every scene. A group of young technicians who are performing the service while getting stoned and talking about The Clash all provide a perfect balance to the rollercoaster going on in Joel’s head. The cast aside, most of this movie can probably be attributed to esteemed director Michel Gondry. Kaufman penned the story off an initial idea by Gondry – and you can tell the director had a lot to say on this subject matter.

This movie will force you, as it did me, to sit down and think about the way you remember and forget the emotional parts of your memories. My favorite memories all have colors and tones associated with them, just like this movie. Some parts have virtual spotlights on them, while others blur at the peripheries, something that is accomplished with some really amazing camerawork. When I forget something, it’s not the “remembered/forgotten” binary of most movies (Memento, all Hollywood amnesia thrillers); I lose the little things before losing the big ones. As Joel’s memory fades, he forgets faces on strangers and all the small details that fill out a picture; the borders fade into darkness, grays and whites and then it’s all gone. It’s a remarkable way of handling the subject.

That the ending works so well in this movie may have to be attributed to Gondry. Without giving too much away, it has more in common with the screwball romantic comedy genre of the 40s (think Doris Day) than anything else – and in less capable hands it could have easily been just dismissed as a clever name-drop. Or maybe this was Kaufman’s idea all along and we are seeing the birth of a brand new thing: cleverness for the sake of moving the audience, not pandering to them.

Club Sandwiches, Not Seals

Update! I want to direct everyone to the website posted by liz in the comments: the link

It good to know that there are many young Newfoundlanders out there club in hand just waiting to join the noble ranks of the baby seal hunters. I wonder what a seal medallion or burger tastes like?

Some one tell me what Paris Hilton, Christina Applegate, and Nick Carter all have in common? If you answered that they are the new front line against the clubbing of baby seals, then you would have been correct. This whole situation baffles me. An article in the New York Times this morning indicated that due to increased demand from eastern europe, and other similarly pleasant places seal clubbing is again on the rise in Canada.

I am not exactly what you would call your typical animal rights advocate. Anyone introducing themselve to me as a member of "greenpeace" would no doubt promptly meet the back of my hand, or at least have to endure an extended verbal lashing. However, the whole concept of seal clubbing escapes me.

First of all, I have no idea what you do with a baby seal pelt? Can anyone help me out here? Are seal skin pants the latest fashion in the Czech Republic or something? Correct me if I'm wrong, but it just doesn't seem like seal is really the color of the season.

Second, after decades of scandal and protest, can't this industry find some better way to carry out business than to have large swarthy canadian men lumbering across the snow covered seaside with large clubs crushing the skulls of baby animals right in front of the waiting cameras of animal rights activists? I mean honestly, look how politely the beef industry hides itself from public eye. Not since Upton Sinclair has anyone really had to witness it.

Working In Iraq

....So if you are really interested in working in Iraq, you might want to check this out. Mike mentioned earlier "monster.comesque listings"

Here are the actual Monster.com listings for "employment oppertunities" in Iraq:

Monster Jobs In Iraq

Not that I know anything about really being employed, but if I were you I would take a serious look at the listings for "interogator" or "debriefer". Sounds like a good time.

DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR COMPLETELY IDIOTIC SOLUTIONS

In anticipation of the upcoming Annual American Festival of Natural Resource Consumption (aka "summer"), the Bush Administration has come up with an awesome new idea for keeping gas prices low. CNBC and CNN report that they have proposed the suspension of federal Clean Air Act regulations in California, New York, and Connecticut.

These regulations are responsible for those "contains 10% ethanol" stickers you see at the pump. Ethanol is a clean-burning corn-derived product that is mixed with the ossified dinosaur liquid that we hold so dear in order to make it burn more cleanly.

It makes sense, right? I mean the Los Angeles area is already known for its stunningly clean and fresh air. As is New York. And while it may knock the price down a few cents, it will also increase the amount of actual gasoline being used.

But this administration is strong in its leadership. Make no mistake: there is NO environmental regulation that they will not repeal in order to lower the price of filling a Ford Expedition in Orange County from $80 to $76.

What's with this math?

Wow. We finally had a month of strong employment growth. Among other leadering factors for this jump are the 72,000 idled grocery workers in california who are no longer striking, and are working again, and are thus now being counted as new jobs, and that it is spring again, so construction (the other leading industry in hiring) begins anew.

Wait - we don't mean to be this cynical - the market may actually be improving, and all we had to do was drive the country three trillion dollars into debt to get it. My two cents, before everyone else jumps in and starts slapping each other on the back:

($500billion yearly deficit) / (4 for quarterly) / (revised 171,000 jobs created per month * 3 months) = we are taking $243,664 in debt per job created.

Now granted, I'm sure those grocery workers and all the other jobs our economy created this past quarter are paying above the $250,000/yr mark, but let's pretend they aren't.

I'm not an economist by any means, (I've always run to math equations instead of theory) so I'll need someone to explain to me why this is an efficient system. I'll probably believe you, because like most americans I'll believe anything if there are enough fancy words used - and before we start revising history the sole stated reason for taking this deficit (100 or so billion for Iraq aside) was to save the economy. And no, I'm not a centralizing fan or a socialist - I just think there has to be a way to create a bunch of crappy service-industry jobs that is more cost-effective than this trickle-down - and I want to stop the debate from being "Wow - look how trickle-down saved the country" and turn it into "so, was this worth it? Was there possibly another way?"

STAGPLOYMENT MANIA!

So those of you familiar with economics in the most elementary sense know that unemployment and inflation are inversely related. If you don't know that, take my word for it. Dumbass.

Anyway, at theoretical zero employment, inflation would be infinite. The reverse is also true. This isn't any sort of radical interpretation of free market mechanics. It's basic Econ 101 stuff. In certain situations, namely when wage and/or price controls are instituted, unemployment and inflation can both rise simultaneously. Economists call this "stagnant inflation" or "stagflation".

Well, since I envision my place in history being grand, I have decided that the current state of political and economic affairs merits a new and similar term. As you are aware if you pay any attention to reality at all, the number of new jobs created in 2004 (the year in which the 3 million jobs lost since 2000 were supposed to start coming back) has been mediocre and mostly the product of statistical manipulation.

However, yesterday's PMI report and first-time unemployment claims numbers showed something shocking: the number of unemployment claims are falling. So the administration has managed to create a magical, heretofore unseen situation by which the number of jobs is decreasing simultaneous to the number of unemployment claims decreasing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the miracle of Stagployment.

This of course means that there are an increasing number of people who are simply "exiting" the economy. They're not a part of it in any relevant or empirical way. After all, when you have no job and your ability to stay on the unemployment rolls has been exhausted, you're not really a statistic anymore, you are merely a person whose life has gone down the shitter.

Stagployment fever: catch it!

The Complete Sean Hannity Experience

It takes no more than a brief look around this site to realize the intense love all of its authors feel for the enigmatic and often misunderstood media personality, Sean Hannity.

However, in light of the new launch of Air America and the potential clear-channel cable network and talk radio show (rumored to be hosted by Al Gore and Jesse Jackson) Sean Hannity might be at risk of having his strangle hold on america's talk radio listeners slowly loosen.

It is a good thing that it is time once again for the "Hannitization of America" tour. If you live in Chicago and don't get enough of Mr. hannity from 7-10pm weekdays on News talk 890 WLS am or on the Fox News showHannity and Colmes 8pm weeknights.

The Hannitization of Chicago is scheduled to occur on May the 7 at the Plaza Hilton. Tickets are available right now at:

Tickets.com

*update: After checking for myself, it looks like the tickets are not actually on sale now. I got some dodgy information from Roe Conn on WLS yesterday. To the best of my knowledge the Hannitization of America tour is still going to be in Chicago on May 7th. I will keep you posted as to when I actually find the tickets on sale.

Perhaps you think that you can live a fully self actualized life without being Hannitized, but I think not!

get your carpetbag on

With the tragedy in Fallujah, where four private contractors from Black Water Security were killed and dragged through the streets, fresh in our minds it may be a good idea to re-evaulate the idea of a large, privately controlled force taking over for our military. There are no official records, but conservative estimates place contractors in Iraq between 10,000 and 20,000, making private companies the largest contributor of manpower in the entire Coalition of the Willing (England has around 11,000 troops there, and all other countries together are about 15,000 troops.)

I'm not saying if those four victims had proper military training, and co-ordinated their efforts through the local military base, they would be alive today (several other military targets were hit in the same round of violence). But it's certainly would have increased their odds. More importantly, companies are there because they are being paid to do so - democracy building is not in their mission statements - and now that their employees may be targeted will they stay? will we have to pay more?

We know that the majority of our fan base consists of investment bankers, titans of industry, and rising entrepreneurs - these are the links for you! In response to these attack we must double our efforts in using private industry and regular citizens to nation build. In order to make sure we can "stay the course" ginandtacos.com has compiled a list of where to go if you'd like to secure yourself a fat juicy iraq re-building contract:

Coalition Provisional Authority Business Center.
Department of Commerce - Your Link to Information on Rebuilding Iraq
Iraq Program Management Office

Here are three Monster.com-esque postings of job opportunities:
Jobs in Iraq
USAID - specific government jobs, and
Requests for proposals/applications - good old fashioned private sector proposals. There's a particularly nice one for plans on rebuilding Iraq's media sector.

I'm off to think of how to corner the market on cheap gin and taco stands in the sunni triangle (I imagine they respect a quality made Tom Collins there).

teaching kids to say no to sex.

It's "Back To School" time again following spring break, and here's the first pop quiz. No, it's not for the kids. It's for parents, and they have to answer only one question: Do you know what your children are learning in sex-education classes?

Now that I'm finally getting involved with teaching the youth of america I can tell you that the answer is no. But if the program is billed as "abstinence-based," you probably don't feel particularly concerned. The important thing, as far as you're concerned, is that your kids are being taught to say "no" to sex.

But are they? The fact is, nearly all of the government-funded abstinence-based or "abstinence-plus" programs delivered in schools nationwide contain little, if any, reference to abstinence. They may mention it briefly, but it's often presented as something that (wink, wink) kids in the "real world" will ignore.

Far worse, though, is what abstinence-plus programs do contain: explicit demonstrations of contraceptive use — especially condoms — and direct encouragement to experiment sexually.

This despite the fact that parents consistently say they don't want their children to be exposed to such messages. A recent Zogby poll found that three out of every four parents disapproved or strongly disapproved of abstinence-plus curricula. About the same number say they want their children to receive an authentic abstinence education.

The dangers of early sexual activity are well documented. It leads to higher levels of child and maternal poverty, elevates the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, and often leaves teenage girls depressed, even suicidal. It contributes to marriage failure in adulthood.

It's bad enough that these sex-ed programs hide under an abstinence-plus label while completely undermining what most parents want for their children. But when they encourage indiscriminate condom use and sexual experimentation, they're sending kids a troubling message — that we expect them to be sexually active and approve of it, provided it's "safe." And it's all billed to you, the taxpayer. Is that what we want?

I encourage all of our readers to check out True Love Waits, a site that shows an emphasis on drawing a community together to raise the banner of sexual purity and to present students with a united message from churches, businesses, doctors, schools, and the government.