Category: Quick Hits

Real post soon. But not now.

I'm going to dispense with the foreplay today and get directly to the point on account of a Stanley Cup hangover. That is not what it sounds like, being neither a literal hangover (no alcohol was involved) or juvenile slang for some kind of unlikely sex act. It is simply the lack of energy one feels after four hours of emotionally charged playoff hockey.

So the Baby Boomers, the generation that brought us Social Security privatization and phasing out the few pension plans they didn't bankrupt, love them some 401(k)s. Saving for retirement isn't the government's business or employers' responsibility. We'll all save for our own retirements and our golden years will be full of vacations and luxury cars and cruises and the extra-swanky $14.99 buffet at the Golden Nugget. That sounds swell.

Unfortunately most Americans earn dick, hence even at 10-15% of their income 401(k)s or other similar retirement plans accumulate precious little savings. The average middle class couple needs a cool million dollars to retire comfortably, assuming one lives for 20 more years after retiring, although millions of retirees obviously get by on far less and will continue to do so. Is anyone actually saving that much?

According to this very thorough report from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, the average 401(k) plan is valued at around $80,000. The median value is less than $60,000. So more than half of Americans who are engaged in these pre-tax withholding savings plans have accumulated barely enough to last a few years in retirement. They'll still be living off Social Security, in essence, unless they are lucky enough to have a pension that isn't bankrupt.

True, mean/median aren't great statistics here because many young people with 401(k)s haven't had the time to accumulate a decent balance. But note (p. 12) the average balance for individuals over 60 who have had a 401(k) for more than thirty years: $179,573. Sure, that's a nice piece of change, but when you start doing the math it doesn't amount to much over the 15-20 years most people expect/hope to live in retirement. Given that the $180,000 figure is an average and thus distorted by individuals with very large accounts, we can safely assume that the majority of plan holders have far less saved. Even if people are contributing the recommended 15% of their earnings into a 401(k) (and it is reasonable to doubt that many are) the problem with this grand design is that 15% of not much is…not much.

In short, people who are retiring in the next ten years can talk all they want about "saving for retirement" but the fact remains that the majority of them would be quite screwed without employee pension plans and/or Social Security. And it's not simply a question of needing more time to let the savings add up – even over 30+ years it's unlikely that most working Americans can save enough in this kind of scheme to continue their working-age lifestyle into a retirement of any appreciable length. Plus, unlike pensions, 401(k)s have that added benefit of forcing people to put off retirement for a few years until the stock market isn't in the tank.

Chalk up another victory for the free market. Down with socialist old age welfare plans! Unburden our businesses of costly pension obligations! Americans' robust personal savings habits combined with the genius of privately-administered investing schemes will guarantee our standard of living in retirement.

Note the new, permanent "Buy Stuff" link at the upper right.

One last reminder to grab some stickers. Papa needs a new pair of everything. These are perfect for your laptop, bumper, guitar case, locker, bike helmet, front door (keep the Jehovah's Witnesses away), bong, or forehead. In the absence of clothing, one or more stickers can be placed hastily over your genitals. Coffee mugs coming soon. You people aren't going to leave me with a giant box of unsold coffee mugs, are you? I'm thinking you are.

3" x 5" stickers on heavy white vinyl – $3.50 (shipping included, unless it's outside of the U.S.)

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An astute commenter pointed out that the Sociable links (Facebook, Digg, etc) that appear at the end of every post had disappeared. Apparently I forgot to reinstall them when I migrated to Dreamhost.

They are back, so please share this stuff with, you know, everyone.

Jack Cafferty is the latest highly visible person to hop on the "Hillary Clinton to the Supreme Court?

" bandwagon.

This is a terrible idea, not because she's incompetent or I don't like her (although both statements may be true).
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She's too old. Age and health matter and she's 62.

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These appointments have to be made with an eye toward maximizing their tenure. It's not a coincidence that Roberts, Alito, and Sotomayor were all between 50 and 55.

But oh man would it be great to see the pant-shitting if one of the Clintons received the call.

You may have noticed that it is Retard Day in the comments, which can only mean one thing: another incoming link from (apparent regular reader) Neal Boortz!
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As the Marines' situation at Wake Island grew increasingly desperate during the Pacific War, Commander Winfield Cunningham reportedly radioed his superiors with the defiant message: "SEND MORE JAPS." It is in the same spirit, regardless of the fact that the story is probably apocryphal, that I virtually beg Mr. Boortz: send more retards. Send wave upon wave of people who repeat, in a cruel mockery of English, what you tell them to think.
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They will crash these mighty shores like waves but break upon the rocks of critical thinking skills and proper sentence structure.

I had one of those moments of clarity last night wherein I realized that I haven't written anything funny in a long time.

I'm not sure I remember how, but I'll try to bring it back.
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Become a fan on Facebook. Use the wall to post links to things I should write about.

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