I am not proud of this, but one of the few things I actually watch on TV with any semblance of regularity is the Bravo show Tabatha's Salon Takeover. Like many reality shows, it consists of a star (Tabatha Coffey, a bizarre looking, severe Brit) teaching Basic Adult Skills 101 to a bunch of complete idiots. Isn't that what most reality shows really boil down to? Whether they're about weight loss, finding a job, kicking booze, finding a date, or running a hair salon it all plays out identically. There are a bunch of adults who are failing at something because they are emotionally about 14 years old. The host/star saves the day by introducing them to revolutionary concepts that most people should have learned before they started to grow hair in funny places.
Salon Takeover is amusing in part because (again, as is common for this television genre) each episode is remarkably similar. How much you want to watch it basically boils down to how much you enjoy the host's personality. In every episode Tabatha teaches the owner of a failing salon business how to turn things around. Her advice consists – in its entirety, episode after episode – of the following revolutionary ideas:
1) The boss should fire or discipline employees who don't show up to work or are terrible employees
2) Someone should clean the salon, preferably daily (note: this has never occurred to a single person on this show)
3) Someone should take out the trash
4) Employees should come to work every day at their scheduled time
5) Employees should not drink hard liquor at work
6) The owner should in some way keep track of the business's revenue and expenses. Perhaps on a spreadsheet.
7) Employees should not swear at clients or talk loudly about their recent anal 3-way while clients are present
8) Employees should not steal money or equipment from the salon
That's it. And the owners are routinely amazed at how their business improves. None of this ever occurred to them, or for some reason they couldn't implement these wild ideas. Basically, Tabatha is a big, odd-looking prop with lots of British witticisms who teaches people how to act like something resembling an adult.
Here's the interesting part. There is a "How much financial trouble are you in?" segment in the introduction of each episode. Week after week the owners report being hundreds of thousands – sometimes close to a million – dollars in debt. And no matter how many times I see this, I ask the same question every time: is it really that easy to get a bank loan for half a million bucks? I mean, do banks really give out six- to seven-figure small business loans to people who look, sound, and like Jerry Springer contestants and can't do 8th grade math?
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People with no collateral, education, or experience running a business? Is "I worked in a salon for a few years" really a good enough argument for a loan officer?
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If these knuckleheads – Can I repeat one more time that some of them do not realize that they should keep an accounting of money coming in and out of the business? – can walk into a bank and walk out with half a million bucks to open a salon (or whatever), what in the hell am I doing? What in the hell are any of us doing? Why don't we all just go sign up for our 0,000?
If these mouthbreathers can get a loan, anyone can. And not you, I, nor anyone else could possibly be worse at running a business than any of these people. Hell, I wouldn't even need the rescue from Tabatha. I already know that a service oriented business should be cleaned. And that we shouldn't drink hard liquor at work.
What am I missing? If it's really that easy, then fuck this. I'm opening a bar. You know what will be on the menu.
ts46064 says:
The name of the bar would be?
willf says:
Vodka and Tapas?
Scotch and Nachos?
Tequila and Pigs-in-a-blanket?
Osric1 says:
Call the place Struggles and I'll show up.
My says:
Tin and Jacquos.
Nunya says:
So, yeah, I'm pretty sure these people got their loans several years ago whon, yes, anyone with a pulse could get one.
Fast forward to today where an established business with 20 years of demonstrated profitability get their lines of credit slashed to zero by a banking industry that sees more and more profits from simply investing zero interest loans in the stock market.
Credit went from far, far too easy to get to impossibly strangled overnight.
And yes, dipshit like this should never be given airtime nor loans.
Nunya says:
And I must comment that gin martinis and tacos are a match made in heaven.
Tequila? I think not!
ladiesbane says:
Many of the owners have run up credit cards, taken second mortgages, and amassed personal debt to keep the businesses running. Tabatha is an Aussie, not a Brit. And did you see her on Shear Genius? She might well have won, had it not been for a bad partner in a team challenge.
My fear is that Tabatha's arse-kicking will be phased out in favor of cut-rate tough love. My least favorite shark-jump is not allowing central characters to be bastards anymore, except in crises where they Care Too Darned Much.
mother earth says:
Ladiesbane hit it on the head. A lot of that debt is credit card debt. About 15 years ago I actually tried to help a friend open a salon and she absolutely could not get a bank loan. They were not interested unless someone with lotsa assets was willing to co-sign.
Xynzee says:
Sin n Waccos?
I actually know of a bar for sale in Wisc.
Huntly says:
She's Australian. I too have a secret love hate relationship with this show
Southern Beale says:
I totally love "Tabatha's Salon Takeover." I'm pretty sure she's Australian, though.
As a regular viewer, I have to point out that a lot of these folks are not getting bank loans for half a million bucks. One episode I saw recently had a woman's mother loaning her $100,000 — and that money she raised by a home mortgage re-fi. So yeah, with small businesses like hair salons and whatnot, you aren't necessarily going to a bank and asking for a million bucks. You're going to three or four family members and getting smaller sums which are raised in a variety of ways.
Southern Beale says:
… adding, bars are a completely different scenario because of all the fucked up liquor laws in each state. You will lose your shirt. Seriously, a good friend of mine is in the wine business and he finally said fuck it. Granted this is Tennessee and it's hard to find more fucked up liquor laws than here, we can't even sell wine in grocery stores here (though beer is OK … ). But still … having talked to a lot of club and bar owners around the country in my life, they all say the liquor laws are what kill them.
This is where I agree with the Libertarians. But of course these laws are all set up to protect the big guys, the distributors.
That's why my great "if I win the lottery" idea is to own an olive ranch somewhere and sell gourmet olive oil to rich assholes. No fucked up liquor laws to deal with.
Fifth Dentist says:
@ SouthernBeale
I recently had a good read that's tangentially related to your comment about the Whiskey Rebellion, called, IIRC, "The Whiskey Rebellion."
Several things struck me in the book.
1) Revolutionary War soldiers, according to the author, were screwed by fat cats. The soldiers were issued promissory notes for future payments. After holding them for years some of them sold them to agents for rich people for pennies on the dollar. The fat cats then had Alexander Hamilton honor those notes and pocketed tons of cash.
2) The nation's first tax was regressive. It gave large distillers discounted tax rates and screwed the small farmers to the west. Because of transportation at the time it was impossible to ship corn to the east so the way farmers could make a profit was having it distilled locally and shipping liquor.
3) Executive (and military) power were used to enforce these regressive policies.
I guess I said all that to say this: The more things change the more they stay the same. Even from our country's founding it's been a government for the haves trying to screw the have-nots.
Chris Gerrib says:
Regarding loans – when banks lend to small businesses, they frequently get "personal guarantees." In other words, the borrower pledges not just the business but their house and any investments (401k, etc.) as collateral for the loan.
Hawes says:
You're leaving out the distinct possibility that these people only THINK they're $500K in debt. They might not have any idea.
Also, too, they may have taken out a loan for $100K and through sheer ineptitude (sheer…get it?) have run it up into the seven figure range.
Or, they simply went to BofA for their loan.
Nan says:
I'm surprised another classic error of small business owners isn't on your list: the idiocy of hiring relatives. Many a small business has gone tits up because the owner got coerced into adding a relative (sibling, in-law, spouse) to the staff, and then was stuck with him/her no matter what blazing levels of incompetence that person achieved.
Southern Beale says:
@Fifth Dentist:
The more things change the more they stay the same. Even from our country's founding it's been a government for the haves trying to screw the have-nots.
Damn, that's depressing.
Da Moose says:
It's simple: In a world where thieves, miscreants, dullards, perverts, naer-do-wells (love that expression), scheisters, hypocrites, door knobs, Keepers of the Drool, etc make all the money, those who play by "the rules" are destined to populate the back of the line.
Bob says:
"And that we shouldn't drink hard liquor at work."
That's the only thing that gets me through the fucking day.
Mike says:
Do it!
Stop looking for an assistant professorship or a post-doc somewhere. Grab the, sell the fuck out, hire a staff, and write full time.
Save us from the mediocrity of opinion articles and shitty blogs on the web.
Hazy Davy says:
There was a docunews report, recently, about the booming issue of sexual slavery in this area. They matter-of-factly reported that many child prostitutes are runaways, and crave attention so much, and are so "stockholm syndromed" by their pimps, that they essentially work in exchange for fast-food meals, a few drugs, and a place to sleep at night. And they pull in (for the pimp) ~$500/day. On average, they said, a pimp in on area with 4 prostitutes could net $500K/year (unreported). That was more (they said) than very successful drug sales, and much harder to prosecute (for a variety of reasons). And there was more business than they could possibly satisfy.
Now, aside from not being a predator who lives off of others' misfortune, why on Earth wouldn't I see this the same way people see "get yourself an Amway distributorship"?
I think it's because—again, ignoring the business for a little bit—no matter my appreciation for money, I don't know that I wouldn't sabotage a business, subconsciously, or just feel miserable, knowing that I'm probably doing it "wrong".
But if you think you could *honestly* do a good job running a bar (and I'd like to see the business plan, actually, 'cause I think there's a lot of luck there for an independent), and you would feel good about your product, then yes, go open it. And yes, there are probably ways you could generate the credentials/team/collateral, etc. to reduce the risk enough to get the bank to loan you the $$$, if you can demonstrate you'll actually be successful.
J. Dryden says:
My guilty-pleasure-equivalent of this show is Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (a show I actively avoided for a long time because I couldn't fucking stand his obnoxious ranting on Hell's Kitchen, but this show reveals him to actually be kind of a nice guy with zero tolerance for bullshit–I *like* him on this show), and which follows a strikingly similar formula, always beginning with the same premise: people who got into this business because they had completely misconceived notions as to what it would be like to run a restaurant. (You get the sense that these folks got their ideas from workplace-based sitcoms, where all the characters really just use the place of employment as a location for witty dialogue and heartwarming hijinks. "It'll be just like CHEERS!" No. No, it won't.)
But his instructions are *exactly* the same to these restaurant owners: Get rid of irredeemably bad staff, and yank the choke-chain on the screw-ups. CLEAN THE FUCKING KITCHEN. Treat the customers well. Actively pursue new business. And my favorite piece of advice that Ramsay invariably gives: "Stop serving expensive meals that nobody orders because they taste like shit. Cheap food cooked well = Profit. Anything else = Failure." And you would think, based on their reactions, that he'd just shat into his hands and flung the result in their faces. (Admittedly, given Ramsay's reputation, that's not an entirely unrealistic scenario, but still–he's there because your business is failing and you don't know how to fix it–and when he tells you how to fix it, you're shocked that it's something you hadn't thought of? *Eye-roll/Facepalm.*)
Others have pointed out, and I'll confirm, that the "loans" these people get are usually based on contributions from family members–raided retirement funds of older family members, mortgages of parental homes, money borrowed using other businesses as collateral, etc. There's a lot of gambling with other people's money, in other words, and this usually leads to the kind of total depressive meltdowns on the part of the owners that lead to the failure to keep the place clean, the retention of incompetent staff, etc.–there's a "fuck it" despair that creeps in that just sucks the life out of people.
And when that state hits, no, they don't bother to keep substantial records–they just scoop the day's takings into a pile and use it to pay the daily demands of suppliers, staff, etc.–or else use it to demonstrate to such people that no, they really can't pay them this week. (Another reason for keeping incompetent staff on–you can't fire someone who's willing to stay on for no money when you can't afford to hire someone who will demand a steady paycheck.)
But don't, for the love of God, buy a bar, Ed. Because Ramsay basically shows, time and again, that you can either run a service-business *or* have a life. You can't do both. And we need you here. That said, I would frequent the *fuck* out of a place called "Gin & Tacos." (No exclamation point on the sign, though–let's keep it classy.)
displaced Capitalist says:
OMG Ed, this is quite possibly the best NPF I've ever seen.
(Also, I'd love to visit your bar. Please serve bacontinis. Please.)
Jimcat says:
Holy @#$%. I just signed in to say exactly what Displaced Capitalist said. I like your political stuff, but this is my favorite post of yours in the past year.
mothra says:
Sort of along these lines, I also have watched "LA Ink," where whatsername, the chick who owns and runs the salon, routinely makes terrible, TERRIBLE business decisions and has the worst management style I have ever seen in my life. Well, nearly the worst management style. How she stays in business is beyond me–but I have a feeling her wealthy daddy finances his daughter's folly.
As for the bar? Yeah, big pain in the ass. Particularly when it comes to the "not drinking hard liquor on the job."
Southern Beale says:
Umm … I'm new here. Can someone tell me what NPF stands for? I'm getting the F is for Friday but the rest …?
J. Dryden says:
@ Southern Beale: NPF stands for "No Politics Friday"–as it sounds, it's Ed's self-designated one day a week to vent/comment on non-political matters.
jazzbumpa says:
Contra most of the regulars, I do not watch any "reality" TV. It seems the underlying premise, regardless of the set up, it to demean people, and I just don't think that is amusing. Though I may have that wrong, since I don't watch.
So – I find this post, and most of the comments, to be, quite frankly, depressing as hell.
Bob did get an LOL out of me though.
Cheers!
JzB
Edward says:
As I understand it, the banks have deliberately been making loans they knew would fail.
tybee says:
<>
amen.
an old roomate several times talked me into a couple shots of tequila or whisky – whatever we had on hand – at 7:30am right before we both departed for work.
the mornings were delightful.
the afternoons dragged beyond belief.
perhaps i should have had a couple more shots for lunch?
tybee says:
that was "amen" to bob's comments. i see i was beaten to that. damn jzb.
Southern Beale says:
@ J. Dryden
OH thanks. I think I've broken that rule already.
Nunya says:
Upon further reflection, I suggest that you challenge Thomas Friedman of the NY Times Rocky Balboa style for his editorial gig.
You not only manage to turn out some of the best reading on the interwebs, but you manage to do it while holding down a full time Adjunct Prof. job.
If any boomer needs to be knocked off his high society perch, it's that increasingly irrelevant and out of touch prick.
I may be able to connect you with Rocky's manager's son if you need representation.
Anonymouse says:
@Southern Beale: Maryland also has horrific alcohol laws. They don't sell beer or wine of any sort in the grocery stores or convenience stores, and the liquor stores are limited to whatever their distributor can get them. Want wine from Pennsylvania or Virginia? Best bet is to get in your car and drive there. Want wine from California? You're outta luck unless you hop on an airplane, because it's illegal to order alcohol through the mail or over the internet.
Southern Beale says:
@ Anonymouse
I did not know that about Maryland.
Has anyone here read Daniel Okrent's "Last Call"? I started it but didn't get too far, it's kinda dry … no pun intended … but I'll have to give it another go.
I once lived in a dry county in rural Kentucky. The funny thing was, you'd just drive across the state line to Tennessee to the package store and buy your beer — but because it was 30 minutes away and a huge fucking hassle, you'd buy cases instead of 6-packs. I drank more that summer than ever before or (until recently!) since …
Anonymouse says:
@SouthernBeale: one reason the Pennsylvania Renaissance Festival (a 2 – 3 hour drive) is such a big deal in Maryland is that the event is held on the grounds of a winery. The wine is good (not GREAT, but certainly pleasant enough for a casual dinner with friends or with a family-style holiday meal) and during the event's run they discount the wine and sell cases and cases and cases of it. They'll happily mix cases, too. People who don't even care about the RenFest go to stock up on things you simply can't get in Maryland for much, much cheaper prices than you could ever hope to pay for what you can get in Maryland. For example, I paid $3.50 for a bottle of spiced wine that would cost about $9 if I bought a similar Maryland wine. But because of the long drive, people fill their trunks and their backseats with cases of wine. This of course keeps people from buying local wines, because why should you bother when you have a basement full of cheaper-but-just-as-good ones to enjoy throughout the year?
Anonymouse says:
"Hell, I wouldn't even need the rescue from Tabatha. I already know that a service oriented business should be cleaned. And that we shouldn't drink hard liquor at work. "
You would be simply STUNNED what some adults don't know. Early in my career, I had to counsel a supposedly-professional 24-year-old that she must WEAR UNDERGARMENTS to work. Her co-workers had come to me complaining that it was obvious she had neither underwear nor a bra.
Now I've got the interns, and I've had to send more than a couple home for wearing flip-flops (girls and boys) and tube tops (just the girls) to work. There's a sweater on a hook specifically for the morons who don't understand that spaghetti-string quasi-see-through blouses are not appropriate in a professional office doing client work.
So I can totally understand how grown adults don't understand it's not appropriate to drink hard liquor at work.
Southern Beale says:
@ Anonymouse:
A Renaissance Festival at a winery sounds like a lot of fun, actually.
The crazy thing about Tennessee's no-wine-in-grocery-stores law is that we actually have quite a few wineries here now & as right-wing as this state is, it's pretty obviously an unfair practice to keep a locally-made product from being sold in the grocery store.
Jimcat says:
The topic of "shit that grownups ought to know, but don't, and the hilarious consequences of their failures" never gets old. That's the reason for the success of all these reality TV shows. People love to watch and think, hey, at least I know better than those losers.
Not that I consider this a bad thing. Like Ed, I admit that seeing this sort of thing is one of my guilty pleasures. There's probably room for other NPF posts on this topic.
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