So I grew a 56-day playoff beard for the Blackhawks and I was not about to shave it without maximizing the entertainment potential inherent in facial hair.
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It seemed appropriate to honor my favorite presidential facial hair, that of Chester A. Arthur.
Please try to control yourself upon discovering how attractive I am.
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Most people with a half-decent interest in presidential elections know that facial hair has mandatory between approximately 1850 and 1920 but almost nonexistent outside of that time period. HuffPo has a short slideshow refresher course on some of the more impressive instances of Executive beardage, or you could stop being a dilettante and go for the ridiculously thorough catalog of mustaches, beards, sideburns, and stray mole hairs among presidents as well as presidential candidates by Nicholas Whyte.
While Mr. Whyte does note that no "serious" candidates have had facial hair since 1948 (Thomas Dewey) there have been some quasi-serious ones.
Libertarian candidate Bob Barr was nominated by the American Mustache Institute (which apparently is real) for its (I shit you not) "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year Award" in 2008.
This is an actual thing.
What is behind the modern aversion to facial hair? Yes, mustaches make 99.9% of their wearers look like registered sex offenders, meth dealers, or state troopers. But older men can sometimes look more stately with a beard. Something odd like bushy sideburns could also make a no-name candidate stand out from the pack. I am not holding my breath, but I hope that facial hair becomes politically acceptable again at some point in the reasonably near future.
I don't want to live in a country that wouldn't elect James A. Garfield on account of his massive, bushy beard or, even worse, a political system that would scare him out of growing one in the first place.
HoosierPoli says:
The problem with big-ass beards these days is that it inevitably makes you look like a civil-war general or possibly Karl Marx, depending on how all-out you go. I had a guy in my philosophy class who fell squarely into the latter category.
HoosierPoli says:
Also, I hope you appreciate one thing: A young academic doesn't get paid for shit, but you have the freedom to go to work every day with a Chester A. Arthur beard and you won't even look out of place. That's something to cherish.
Evan Hurst says:
I'd hit it.
Of course, I'm talking about you, Goulet AND Arthur.
quimby says:
From this small statistical sampling, at least the beard prohibition doesn't apply to academics or most of the Blackhawks lineup. My vote is the next contender for amusing facial hair has to go to the C. Everett Koop beard.
Matthew says:
I think that any befacial-haired candidate in the near future is going to be sporting a van dyke, or more commonly (and inappropriately) referred to as a goatee. That seems to be the most frequently employed facial hair of the modern man.
I too, long for the day when we can get another president with whiskers!
Warmbowski says:
In case you haven't found this, there is a handy chart on the Trustworthiness of Beards.
http://i.imgur.com/PHmF5.jpg
You and Chester clock in at 'neutral'.
Nunya says:
Chester Arthur had to counteract his monobrow with that explosion of facial hair. Still, I'm impressed not only with the beard but with the historical nod to one of the lesser known POTUSs.
No go forth to the local pub and find the geekiest Chester Arthur fetish woman you have ever imagines.
Comrade PhysioProf says:
A few years back I shaved off my beard, and my bearded chairman got mad at me, so I grew it back.
Prudence says:
I've always liked a beard, but mustaches make me nervous for some reason. Magnum could get away with it, but, as you say, so many others just look like kiddy-fiddlers. I recently broke up with someone who could really rock a beard, and with the salt and pepper in it, he was all smoulder-y ROWR. Sadly, there's only room for one unreasonable crazy person my relationships, and I'd already reserved that seat.
Liz, I can see why you're marrying Ed– he's smart, funny, and boasts bushy chops that'd put a Victorian carnival barker to shame.
Bookwormz says:
Ed: LOVE the burnsides! Keep them, they're awesome.
My husband grew a beard shortly after we were married – he doesn't possess a chiseled chin, and the beard gave definition to his face. Twenty-three years, and about 100 pounds later, the beard defines the separation between his face and the rest of his fat-ness. He shaved it off once, about 2 years ago, and I told him to grow it back, or else I would divorce him.
comrade x says:
I think the bad old 20th century made politicians with facial hair suspect. I like how Liev Schrieber's character in " Defiance" described the Eastern Front in WW2: " A contest between two moustaches."
bb in GA says:
I have had a full beard and mustache since 1978 and have not had a "store bought" haircut since 1995. As referenced, I now look like General Lee or Karl himself. Before 1978 I had a moustache only since the late 60s. My three sons have no memory of seeing me clean shaven.
About stereotypes…In about 1993 (mostly salt w/ a little pepper) I had a 12 year old Black kid come up to me as I was putting up my electric bass and he said "You know, you sure look a lot like Jerry Garcia." The fact that the Captain was someone he knew anything about amazed me at the time.
//bb
Hobbes says:
Hah – Ed, my dad sported a modest beard/stache combo until I was about 8 years old, and when he finally shaved it off (due, he claims, to the requests of his clients) he went Chester Arthur for a day just for shits. It was awesome and I wish he'd kept it.
anotherbozo says:
Am I the only one to think a tee shirt should be illegal on a burnside or mutton-chop wearer? At least outdoors, in public. Even a Hawaiian shirt would reclaim a little of the dignity required by your facial hair.
Keifus says:
Well, a neatly trimmed beard can definitely help disguise that unpleasant middle-age neck-thickening, or, um, so I heard. I find that when I shave mine, I no longer look boyish–only took thirty-someodd years.
I do regret that after all the hype, the Mathew-Fox-Party-of-five-half-grown-beard never made it out of 1996 or so.
You can call me, 'Sir' says:
An excellent effort on your part. I think the standard beard is far too blah. Anyone with a fair amount of testosterone and an aversion to sharp objects can grow a beard, but it takes real effort and imagination to SCULPT one. You did the right thing.
Liz says:
Prudence, I was very sad to see the chops go, however we decided that the magic of the hockey beard lies in its ephemeral nature. Additionally, the horrifying moustache that lay between the Chester A. Arthur and Ed's bare face was enough to get me on the For-the-Love-of-All-That-Is-Holy-Please-Go-Shave-That-Thing Express. We've both been losing weight for the wedding; I hardly recognize him.
SeaTea says:
I'm sorry, but that is totally frickin' awesome! I love 19th century-style facial hair! The civil war era was sort of the facial hair high-water mark. It's not easy to find a Civil War general who had only a mustache (Joshua Chamberlain), much less one who was clean-shaven. Where are the Ambrose Burnsides of our generation?
Jimcat says:
"Well, a neatly trimmed beard can definitely help disguise that unpleasant middle-age neck-thickening, or, um, so I heard. I find that when I shave mine, I no longer look boyishâonly took thirty-someodd years."
Unfortunately, the beard is also the first part of the facial hair to go gray on many men. I vowed never to grow a beard again when I discovered my first gray facial hairs at age 37.
BK says:
I've reclaimed the shaved head and van dyke I sported in college within the last 8 months. It shocked the co-workers and my kids, but now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Viva la Facial Hair!!!
FJK says:
Hey – you ARE cute, facial hair or none . . .
twiffer says:
as a bearded american, i have no idea why clean-shaven is preferable. i suspect razor companies are behind it.
BillCinSD says:
Best thing about Arthur, non-beard edition — Howlin' Wolf is named after him.
Best thing about Arthur, Presidential edition — Civil Service Reform
Worst thing about Arthur — "Now Arthur is President" Garfield's assassin claims political kinship
Major Kong says:
I believe it happened around the time of the First World War.
You couldn't wear a gas mask with a beard so the Army went clean shaven.
Since this was a time of patriotic ferver, "clean shaven" came to mean "good guy".
Prudence says:
I really hear you on the ephemeral beard, Liz. And I know I speak for everyone (ok, almost everyone) when I say: a) woohoo, wedding! ; and b) y'all better be letting the peanut gallery know how to help fund some fancy honeymoon camping.
Amanda says:
For your enjoyment, more Goulet related than beard related:
http://s174.photobucket.com/albums/w92/niggaplease_016/?action=view¤t=SNL-WillFerrell-RobertGoulet.flv
mothra says:
Well, there are the soul patch and the goatee, accepted wherever you see the "hipster" symbol.
Peggy says:
I also think the lack of facial hair might be part of the youth culture obsession. Chester would definitely have a baby face without his facial hair, but looking younger wouldn't have been his goal–he wants to look all dignified and shit. And my high school students (who are always trying to look older) are always growing (terrible) facial hair. Or trying to.
Elle says:
I've always liked a beard, but mustaches make me nervous for some reason. Magnum could get away with it, but, as you say, so many others just look like kiddy-fiddlers.
Word. My partner has a damn fine beard that he occasionally shaves. When he does he leaves the mustache 'til last, because it has the power to make me run away shrieking.
Angie says:
I dream of the day technology can allow us to do THIS…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0DxHZxICIs&feature=related
Facial hair hijinks never looked so much fun!
beau says:
It is true, they are (or were?) magnificent chops.
Presidential Pogonotrophy?
Zebbidie says:
I dunno. I thought it was absolutely full-on Metallica. If only Ed had been wearing a black tshirt he could have passed.
Do you know 'Enter Sandman' dude?
Michael #2 says:
As a bearded American (I grew it to look 'professorial'), I think the burnsides are fantastico! I saw a guy in a Blackhawks sweater about a week ago in a bar watching the game, and he too had grown a ROCKIN playoff beard. Hockey playoffs are awesome!
Prudence says:
Elle, does he combine the alarming, remnant 'tasche with a Super Troopers-inspired shout of, "who wants a mustache ride?!". That just screams "keeper" to me.
But then, I am mad as a box of frogs.
moonbat says:
Hair of all kinds, facial and otherwise, came in roughly with the Beatles and onward, till Reaganism took root in early 80s. It was a part of the 60s, which was a revolt agains the conformity of the 1950s. The Robert Goulet mugshot is typical of that era. Just look at any TeeVee show from the late 60s onward.