I worry that I created the wrong impression with my rant about Sandra Lee a few Fridays ago. In no way was that entry intended to imply that there is anyone, Ms. Lee included, that I want to see hit by a speeding vehicle more than Paula Deen. My deep suspicion that Ms. Deen hails from Patterson, New Jersey stems from the fact that every word out of her gaping mouth suggests the most fraudulent, cartoonish, overblown imitation of a Southern accent since Peter Sellers tried and failed to play the part of Major Kong in Dr. Strangelove. Listen to her drop "y'all" into every sentence and tell me that she isn't trying very hard to cover up the fact that she actually sounds like Joe Pesci:
Whether the entire manner of speech is put on or she is merely exaggerating, this ludicrous caricature of a drawl comes off as only slightly more dignified than pulling both eyelids into slits and yelling "ME SO SOLLY!"
Paula Deen is like your grandmother, or at least the Food Network hopes you will think so. My grandmother did not sing the praises of factory-farmed meat that tastes like styrofoam, nor did she talk like Charles Laughton after three strokes, nor did she look suspiciously like Divine from all those John Waters films. My grandmother did not have a soul-stealing cackle, Christopher Lloyd's hairdo, or a sixty pill per day methedrine habit which raised her artificial perkiness to levels previously achieved only by Richard Simmons.
Deen has lowered the common denominator of the network she infests at every available opportunity, from the original and insufferably cloying Paula's Home Cooking to the utterly unwatchable Paula's Party and Paula's Best Dishes. But her greatest sins sprung forth from her uterus and, after 30+ years of careful training under some of the world's most accomplished child molestors, her hell-spawn Jamie and Bobby received their own show, the threateningly erotic Road Tasted (which draws in viewers with the unambiguously terrifying "You ready, brother?")
With fake Southern accents of their own and charisma levels that make their mother look like John F. Kennedy, Bobby and Jamie take time out of their busy schedule (18 hours daily of 69ing each other while Guy Fieri captures the action on camera and provides play-by-play commentary) to drive around the country eating at family restaurants and exchanging the kind of banter that can only bloom from decades of ritual satanic abuse. It should be noted that this was the next most entertaining thing Food Network could conceive after their original idea – 30 minutes of Emeril pressing his naked buttocks against a cutting board and expelling diarrhea with great force – fell through at the last minute. Realizing that most Americans would rather get a lapdance from their own mother than watch the Deen Boys cruise around in a convertible looking for Hot Browns, fried chicken, barbecue, and vicious truck stop gay sex, Food Network prodded the Boys to "eventually (decide) that they wanted to devote more time to their family restaurant" and thus stop hosting the show. This step was a financial necessity for the network, which just recently settled a class action lawsuit from consumer focus group members who viewed Road Tasted and immediately returned home to beat their children before committing suicide.
Food Network has problems overall and it would be unfair to pin its descent into self-parody solely on Deen, but wedging her deranged kindergarten teacher persona into every single special and series on the network (I wonder how much Bobby Flay has to drink before sitting down to eat a staged Thanksgiving dinner with Paula, Sandra, and Guy?) isn't helping. Her omnipresence across the network's daily schedule leads me to believe that Food Network is managed by a cadre of Japanese WWII holdouts recruited from Kamikaze squadrons and sent to America to bring about our national apocalypse.
Scott says:
The fact is, the Food Network has very few "chefs" of any actual talent. The only one I can really think of is Alton Brown, though I'm not sure how good the food actually tastes, but he at least provides an interesting perspective on the science of food. Most others are obnoxious in one way or another, it's not even worth discussing Nabisco whore Rachel Ray, Guy Fieri, Ted Allen the monotone menace, or any of their new lab creations. Giada, besides having an enormous head, annoying pronunciation of Italian words, and ratings hook cleavage, she seems to be able to make real food. It also seems that by challenging random people whose lives are based on the creation of one particular dish, the Food Network wants as many people as possible to think Bobby Flay is a dick.
Nate says:
Bobby Flay is a dick. Whenever he challenges someone who does food that is "out of his league" i.e. not barbecued, he brings in a ringer chef to "help" him.
Vinny says:
Agreed, the food network is awful. Paula Deen. Fraud. I turned her on last week and watched her make Chicken Salad. Now how do you f up Chicken Salad I ask you? Well, she did. She cut the chicken up into giant chunks and sprinkled frikin POTATO CHIPS on it! (I prefer cheese doodles, I guess thats why I don't have a show on FN). Rachel Ray?. Simply the worst. She should divorce her husband and marry Emeril Lagassi, and co-host a new show called Bam Delish, or Fraud squared, or Fraud to the 2.
LarryB says:
Hey, don't knock Rachel. Talk about meth-fueled perk! Every episode I'm on the edge of my seat anticipating a full psychotic break. It's must-see TeeVee.
Scott says:
Granted Bobby Flay is a dick, that network wastes him by just having a show that emphasizes or perhaps even expands his dickishness when the guy is actually a decent cook, just let him have a cooking show. Sort of similar to the situation with Mario Batalli, good cook who actually had a show that showed how to cook things, but now he's just a dancing monkey on Iron Chef.
Marla says:
The problem with cooking shows is the same problem with workout shows: how many times do you need to see how to peel a carrot or how to do a reverse lunge? (answer: once.) These programs rely entirely on the personality of the instructor to distinguish them from every other cooking/fitness show, and unfortunately that usually means amplifying their "personality" to a volume beyond human tolerance. Speaking of volume, I can't tell the difference between Emeril, Tony Little, and Billy Mays.
That's probably why Alton Brown is more interesting and less obnoxious than most: he actually teaches something about cooking and/or food in his show. And, he's not LOUD. Or very drunk. Or demented.
dbsmall says:
1) Alton Brown is an actor, not a chef. But I agree, he's a very interesting actor.
2) I've hear that Bobby Flay is actually quite a good cook.
3) I miss Ming Tsai. That guy could cook.
4) I love admitting things that embarrass me, publicly; It never occurred to me, until it was mentioned, how exaggerated the Paula Deen's acceent is.
5) There's that Italian lady who seems to be a decent cook, and who's not bad to look at…
Penny says:
"30 minutes of Emeril pressing his naked buttocks against a cutting board and expelling diarrhea with great force"
Am I a total infant for laughing my ass completely off over this?
Hah-Man says:
I hadn't heard of this creature before reading this and watching the video. Thanks a bunch.