What follows, as hard as it may be to believe, is an authentic release of information by Motorola.
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Irrelevant portions of the release, which is quite long, have been removed:
Motorola to Cut 1,000 Jobs
September 28, 2004 12:00:00 PM ET
By Deborah Cohen
CHICAGO (Reuters) – Motorola Inc. (MOT), the world's No. 2 maker of cell phones, on Tuesday said it would cut 1,000 jobs in three of its units as it puts its effort behind wireless communications in an increasingly competitive market.
Motorola said the job cuts, which represent 1 percent of its work force, would not mean that its total work force would be reduced.
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It said it would take a pre-tax charge of $50 million for severance payments, and a separate charge of $80 million for the early repayment of debt. It will make no cuts in its cell phone business, ranked second behind Finland's Nokia .
"This doesn't mean our work force number is going to go down," Weyrauch said, adding that the company continues to hire new workers.
Now, maybe I'm un-American and maybe my colors are running, but the last time I checked, laying off workers sort of implied that the number of people one employs would fall. Unless they're planning on hiring an additional 1,000 people in other areas within the immediate future – and they have indicated no intention to do so – then…well…..um…..the number of employees goes down, right?
They appear to be acting on the assumption that so long as they will – at some indeterminate point in the future – get back to the number of employees they have now, they are not really laying anyone off.
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So if a company lays a bunch of people off now, on the basis of the fact that at some point before 2095 they will likely be back to or exceed the current number of employees, they have not really laid anyone off.
Brilliant!