A GIFT FOR EVERY READER

Posted on | by Ed

After watching a few of my favorite old fights on YouTube, among them Tyson-Spinks from Iron Mike's era of invincibility, I was messing around online and read some amusing material about how Mr. Tyson managed to squander all of his $300,000,000+ in career earnings. His carefully thought-out purchases included hundreds of exotic cars, two Bengal tigers, and a pigeon-breeding operation featuring 350 birds in an arena-sized coop. Then I found a gold nugget buried in Tyson's avalanche of insane spending. At one point The Champ "had a half-million dollar watch emblazoned with pornography."

Read that again. Remind yourself, if necessary, what kind of person would do such a thing:

Folks, if I wake up some morning to find myself the recipient of an inherited fortune from a relative I never met, every one of you loyal readers are getting watches emblazoned with pornography. Necessity may force me to substitute a mere Rolex in the $25,000 range for Tyson's $500k timepiece, but the value of the watch is not the important part. The important part is that it is emblazoned with pornography.

This is my promise to you. And you're no Alexander. I'm Alexander. I will eat your children. Praise be to Allah.

(ps: It may shock you to learn that Mr. Tyson isn't looking too good these days)

14 thoughts on “A GIFT FOR EVERY READER”

  • J. Dryden says:

    Bush is OK for mine, but only if it's girl-on-girl. No money-shots, please, unless it's Ron Jeremy and he's written his autograph on the, um, equipment in question.

  • pmayo says:

    So, basically, this means we're all getting watching with pictures of engorged cocks, should you ever get rich.

  • Patti says:

    Yeah! I always wanted a watch with a picture of an engorged cock on it, ever since I knew that this was an option.

  • Matthew says:

    On my watch, I want the minute hand to be an engorged cock. The hour hand can be the balls.

    Also, I demand that you write a song about Mr. Dream (I mean, Mike Tyson) and call it "Watches Emblazoned with Porn."

  • kulkuri says:

    Somewhere I saw an ad for a watch that had a man with an erection on the minute hand and a woman on the hour hand. I don't remember the price being a half mil. I don't think it was even in the three figures.

    But hey, I'll be watching the mail for a package.

  • Rob says:

    best tag ever.

    what kind of poorly planned article would NOT include a photo of said watch?

    bush league. (see what i did there?)

  • BK says:

    I've always wanted a cock-watch. Thanks Ed…

    I've got an interesting story about Iron Mike… Last year I was in Vegas for the NCAA men's basketball opening round. About 1 in the afternoon my buddy and I are crossing the entrance drive to the Bellagio off the strip and a huge Escalade pulls up. Brand new, white as snow.

    My buddy and I have the walk sign so we begin to cross and this thing pulls into the crosswalk… I look at the driver and it is Iron Mke- face tattoos and all. He looks at us and as soon as we recognize who it is we beat ass to get the hell out of his way.

    Now ask yourself – if during the past 20 years you had ammassed $300 Million, how badly do you have to have screwed up to be driving yourself into the public entrance to the Bellagio in the middle of a Thursday afternoon???

  • Michael says:

    I have to say, the post-fight interview gave me shades of Sarah Palin. "Whatever he asks, Mike, stick to the Islam thing and Alexander the Great."

    States rights, victory in Iraq; states rights, victory in Iraq . . .

  • Eljay says:

    I just want to get on record as a reader, so that just in case this happens I'll get my watch emblazoned with porn. 'Cause that's my kind of timepiece.

  • peggy says:

    I, like Rob, am very disappointed to see that there's no picture in that link. What?? How will I ever be satisfied if I don't know what KIND of pornography is emblazoned on the watch?!?!?!

    BK, when you say that you've "always wanted a cock-watch," do you mean one with a cock on it, or one that is worn on the cock? Because I feel like there are a lot of possibilities there.

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