Day: March 26, 2007

I CALL IT "THE NEW WAY"

Posted on | by Ed | 4 Comments on I CALL IT "THE NEW WAY"

I want to apologize for this post in advance. It breaks ginandtacos style in a lot of ways and is uncharacteristically Livejournalish.

Recently I have been spreading a new way of orienting oneself toward life. I call this new way "The New Way." I know I can't say that with the same gravitas as Christopher Merloni, but you can watch the movie if you want the full effect.

First, a little background. I have always been quite industrious. My work ethic has been historically, for the most part, pretty intense. While my peers were jamming their systems with drugs, video games, and date rape, I was making sure I got through high school and college without getting a B in anything. Boy, I said to myself on more than one occasion, it sure will be great when this effort pays off! And even moreso when my colleagues reap the terrible harvest of their sloth and ignorance!

As the aging process continues unabated, I have found that this work ethic has not proven to be an asset. I can say, with clarity of course afforded by hindsight, that I was wasting my goddamn time for 99% of my life. It turns out that the barely-literate C- students end up running the world.
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Well, the ones with the right connections and amount of "parental support" do. Lo and behold, no one gives a flying fuck if you're smart, or eager, or a hard worker, or named Charlie, or anything else. When I take a mental accounting of people I know and have known, it seems like – nay, it IS like – the ones with the fulfilling and/or lucrative jobs are inevitably the ones who have redefined Minimal Competence for most of their lives.
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Being a man of science, I have decided that I must try to identify the relevant variables that separate me from those who have succeeded. Accordingly, I have developed The New Way.

  • 1. No more reading, watching, or doing anything from which I can learn.
  • 2. No more effort. All academic work will be done at the last possible minute, to the lowest possible standard, and submitted with an appalling sense of entitlement.
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    This also applies to job hunting. The New Way insists that I sit back, do nothing, and somehow get actively recruited into high-paying work despite my appalling lack of qualifications.
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  • 3. Ungratefully get someone else to subsidize my unproductive life.
  • 4. Drink like an idiot, pausing occasionally to inhale my body weight in cheap weed and cocaine.
  • 5. A supplemental diet of right-wing closet social darwinism, so that when the Invisible Hand of Privilege and Dad's Friends guides me into a rewarding life I can condescendingly remind everyone that I earned it and that everyone who didn't just isn't as smart as me.

    So this is The New Way. I just sit on my ass until everything somehow magically works out for me. This may seem idiotic to you. It certainly looks that way to me. But remember: be a Man of Science! As stupid as this looks, it has worked thousands of times over – from George W. Bush down to your Old College Roommate.