Every year just before Halloween I give a mini "lecture" on costume decorum. Aside from knee-slappers like "Real nurse and police uniforms are actually quite baggy and unrevealing" I remind the young folks that despite what people did in the small town or all-white suburb from whence they came, racial and ethnic groups are not costumes. Moreso than any of the material I cover in my classes, I feel like this is important. I'm sure a lot of them roll their eyes and don their offensive costumes anyway. Getting through to one or two of them each semester, though, feels like a victory. If anybody thinks twice about doing something offensive on account of that brief reminder I consider it a win.
I rarely attend Halloween parties, but when I do I find that this rule is violated even among adults who should know better. In grad school I hosted the departmental party one year and, sure enough, a grad student showed up as an Illegal Immigrant.
I'll let your imagination complete his costume. This year I attended the faculty Halloween party and another person showed up in similar Mexican Caricature garb. These are adults in their 30s and 40s. People with advanced degrees.
The reveler in question was a stranger to me, the new beau of one of the women I know through work. I asked her, "What is he supposed to be dressed as?" while he was elsewhere. Some sort of Mexican somethingorother, she replied. "Well that's kind of fucked up, isn't it?" said Drunk Ed. Six weeks later, this woman still has not spoken to me.
Now, I am a dick. I am used to having to apologize to people when I say things that I think are hilarious (They are.) but hurt someone else's feelings. I don't believe anyone should be afraid of apologizing.
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It's useful to humble yourself on occasion and admit that you aren't always right. So naturally, I felt like if this other person is angry then clearly I should apologize. Then a strange thing. I thought about it and I realized I wasn't sorry at all.
The only thing worse than refusing to apologize is giving a fake apology. So, I decided, fuck it. If someone chooses to ostracize me because I pointed out that their friend's decision to wear a "Mexican" costume is not appropriate, then I can live with that.
After two weeks of reading and hearing everyone complain – with justification – about the things all of their Racist Friends say, I've been thinking hard about why anyone would want Racist Friends. This is an excellent time to listen to or read what people say, consider it along with what role if any this person plays in your life, and cut the cord. Ask yourself, "Why am I friends with this person?" and answer honestly. The way social networks work these days, people seem to have a vast network of "friends" who are actually near-strangers.
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People we knew in grade school. Some guy you met at a party once. That woman who worked at so and so with you back in 2004. And if these people are "real" friends or even relatives, what are you getting out of being friends with blatantly racist people?
I've heard the arguments. If we stop talking to each other over disagreements, our social circles become an echo chamber free of dissenting opinions! He's a good person, he's just really racist! These are not good points. At all. If you're not willing to say, "You know what, if you're going to insist on saying racist shit constantly I don't think I want to be friends," you may want to think about what is really important to you. If you're willing to tolerate people high-fiving over Thugs who Have it Coming getting gunned down because telling them to piss off would be inconvenient for you, that's telling.
Someone pointed out that black people, unlike white people, don't have the luxury of "unfriending" racism and having it go away. I disagree in the sense that it obviously doesn't go away. Everyone still has to live with it, with more consequences for some of us than for others. It won't be going away anytime soon, but we're not obligated to be pals with it and pretend like it's OK in the meantime.
jestbill says:
Yeah, you are now officially "old." Welcome.
I repeat myself: when I was younger than you, I once said that nothing will change until a bunch of old people die off.
Well, they're mostly all gone now. The best I can say is that the total impact of right wing/racist/holier than thou types has been slightly reduced.
Only 5-10 generations to go.
jharp says:
I quit associating with my "friends" who were/are racists and bigots just within the past 5 years or so.
And also any fucking ass fucking hole who lies and spreads lies to deny sick people and sick children access to health insurance.
Fuck 'em all. They are not welcome in my home.
Duke of Clay says:
jharp: I did much the same thing about 30 years ago. Sadly, since I'm from Mississippi, it means I'm cut off from virtually all of my family. Happily, I don't miss them much.
BubbaDave says:
I'm amazed nobody has posted a link to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHxEnQZi3Ow yet…
Captain Blicero says:
I know this wasn't the main point, but generally speaking I don't think that just because someone was offended they are owed an apology. Great example you give here Ed. I realize some will say this makes me a douchebag republican who rants about being PC, but nothing could be further from the truth. Sometimes people are unreasonable. Often times that person is me, but often times it's the other person.
J. Dryden says:
Racism is a touchstone, an acid test–a thing that, when discovered, is an immediate proof of the substance of the individual.* When someone says something racist, you must not be afraid to "lose a friend," for I assure you, that "friend" existed only in your imagination while you were waiting for the test results to come in. Well, they're in, and guess what? This person is awful, and you will only be made so yourself if you continue to have anything to do with him/her. Period.
It's hard when that person is, say, an in-law (little personal experience, here) or a co-worker (or worse, superior), and you can judge for yourself how far you can/want to take the detachment. But I've found that if I just flick the switch in my head that hooks up to the "pay attention and respond" mainframe, it really is quite easy to regard such people as glitches that one simply glides by. No racist is owed an apology for being offensive.
Of course, if you don't want to confront such people, don't–no one is expecting you to come to the defense of people who aren't in the room and don't know either of you–but don't lie or evade when the issue is pressed: "Yes, I do have a problem with what you said/did, since it was, by any sane measure, racist–that is, hateful, ignorant, and repulsively rude. You seem fine with that, as is your right. My right is to tell you, when you ask me, what I think of you. For both our sakes, I suggest that you not ask me again."
As I said of men in response to the Cosby post, I now say of white people–shut the fuck up about race. Don't "appreciate" it, don't "find it amusing," don't deride it, don't condemn it–don't even try to understand it, because you can't. What you can do, is shut the fuck up about it. Like, always. Because whenever you (we) talk about it, it's always like Frankenstein's Monster wandering into the village–whether we're on a rampage or just trying to be nice, the little girl always winds up at the bottom of the pond. Just…be silent. Listen. Don't respond–you'll only try to be "right" and achieve the opposite. Just…hush. The most important part of the much-imagined "national dialogue on race," is the part where we shut the fuck up and listen–and then, when we're done listening, continue to shut the fuck up.
*Also a poisonous mindset of hatred and viciousness responsible for a ridiculous large number of the interpersonal miseries of this world. So, you know, that.
Dbp says:
I thought something along these lines recently. I was listening to a guy explain how it was still worth it to support the catholic church despite all the child rape. The fact that he puts "they say the right things about the bible a whole lot" as more important than "they rape kids and have seemingly no problem with it" in his list of priorities is quite telling about his personality.
Faintly McAbre says:
I will say that seeing the open racism in my Facebook feed has been eye-opening and has roused me out of a level of complacency. Now that I've been suitably shaken up, I hesitate to cut them just so that I don't sit back in my smug little NPR universe and assume it isn't happening here. It remains hard for me to believe that people I interact with can be so racist. I assume that in my neat little liberal swath of East Coast elitism that everything is going to be ok, and that really, people just aren't like that any more, at least not here… and yet the worst of what I've seen from my own online "friends" has been from New Jersey and Boston. While I see the continued racism in the news every day, for some reason I assume that around these parts, everything is going to be ok – but it hasn't ever been, it isn't now, and it won't be without a lot more effort.
And no, no apology is needed for an honest and correct reaction to such a costume.
LK says:
My best friend is married to a racist. And I mean Best Friend, the only non-family I knew before my 20's with whom I'm still in touch. And I mean Racist as in "better kill'em while they're young". While it's a little more complicated in my neck of the woods (religious wars can do that), and open, unapologetic racism is the official party-platform of more than 50% of the Knesset, this gives me grief. And no, I'm not going to unfriend this person- he suffers a lot more than I do from having to live with her (and raise kids together, treacherous waters). And while it's easy to Monday morning quarterback this (pardon the horribly mixed metaphor), any and all relationship entails some sort of compromise, and some are a tougher sell than others. Since I was there for him from the beginning of this relationship, and I know how much he agonized about this (and still does), I can't fault him or say he made the wrong choice. At the same time, he says and believes things that she takes as reprehensible or blasphemous, and she has to live with that as well. The Echo Chamber risk is not insubstantial.
Graham says:
Now you know why people have less and less friends as they get older.
Arslan says:
I've got a great non-offensive illegal immigrant costume idea for you: Just dress as you normally would but say: "I'm from X Eastern European country and my tourist visa has expired."
Armadillo says:
Check out http://yoisthisracist.com/
He also has a podcast. Zero tolerance for racism is something he's been advocating for a while.
Misterben says:
I think there is a very fine line you could draw that would allow you to apologize for the *manner* of your comment, but not the *content* of it. In other words, apologize for the way you said it, instead of for what you actually said.
I've learned the hard way – through losing friends – not to post rants on social media. It used to be that I would read an article, get all angry about something, and jump right to Facebook to share the article and write an angry rant.
After a lot of awkward fence-mending, I eventually realized that it was rarely the content of my message that bothered people. Rather, it was the vituperative way I said it.
The more I explored this concept, the more I found that, even when I HADN'T been particularly harsh, that was still a good approach to use when trying to soothe and offended party. Preserves my own integrity by not undercutting what I actually meant, while assuaging the other party's dignity by giving them some kind of apology.
I've also found that this approach tends to create a sort of social debt for the other party, so they at least feel obligated to tell you they "sort of" agree with your actual point, or at least are willing to discuss it with you.
And that should be the point of all this: it should be more important to get your point across to someone, than to make that point as angrily and bitingly as possible.
Major Kong says:
I've found that facebook, aka "the trailer park of the internet", is a good way to find out which friends and relatives are racists.
Hazy Davy says:
I've had a related thought going through my head, recently, regarding keeping "friends".
The Godfather advises "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". And so much wisdom has come from Don Corleone, that that's how I've historically managed my virtual friendships. Rather than cutting off (the racist, the one who undermined a drug intervention to tell your best friend "don't listen to them, you don't have a problem", the one you regularly disagree with on fundamental world views), I've kept them.
And you know, I'm deciding that there are three categories:
1) Those where Don Corleone was right. (This is the case of the "To Kill a Mockinbird" racist…the one who was raised racist, and has never faced challenges to this worldview.) Over time, there really, really IS a chance that the person will come around, when faced with your persistent rationale. [And, by the way, this may be the case with your friend-with-a-racist boyfriend. To my non-conflict-averse mind, your mistake is in not having *more* conversations with her about why her boyfriend had offended. Cutting her off? Not all that helpful. And if she'd be intransigent, she'd cut *you* off, aggressively, so the outcome is the same, only you force the issue.]
2) Those where you have little choice. Sure, sure, you fundamentally disagree with (relative by marriage), and their pride-in-ignorance offends, but you'd rather know what's coming, and continue to see your loved one, and their spouse is just the cost of doing so.
3) But in the case of the one who undermined me…gosh, I've been thinking a lot about cutting those strings. Every interaction nauseates as I remember her actions from the past. And sure, her (now sober and 40% liver-dead) ex still interacts with her. But I think I can cut that one loose.
I realize that my perspective on #1 puts me in the minority on this comment thread. But I swear, when you have those glimmers of hope…
Wotan Nichols says:
"Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate."
–some quotable person that I'm too lazy to google
Mayya says:
I unfriended 3 people recently on FriendFace because of the racist comments regarding our recent episodes of social injustice. I'm not sure I would call them "friends," but they are people I have a relationship with in real life. It was extremely uncomfortable, because I believe it's necessary to explain WHY. Otherwise yes, I would be simply making MY life more pleasant without making a lick of difference in addressing the problem.
Of course, that's what it will amount to anyway. It's not like they're going to suddenly have an epiphany based on what I wrote.
Anubis Bard says:
You're right that you shouldn't have to apologize for calling someone on their racism, but I don't get the "cut the cord" part. I'm not going to spend all of my time lecturing my acquaintances on their bigotries, but I'm not going to sit and listen to any of it either. They can unfriend me if they don't like it – as your work colleague seems to have done. If that's what you meant by "cut the cord" then I applaud it. But I know when it comes to homophobia and xenophobia at least, I've had friends who've resorted to me when they finally started shaking off some of their ignorance – and I could give them a breath of something different than they were getting in their own echo chambers. You can't change the mind of a deeply committed racist, but often enough you can shake people out of their ignorant bigotries.
Skipper says:
@Major Kong — how very clever that you ranted about racism, while slurring those of us who choose to live in mobile homes as all being racist or ignorant or whatever. I find that in our "trailer park," there are many educated people, some, like me, with graduate degrees, quite a few liberals, and a large Democratic club.
HoosierPoli says:
My wife has a friend that she swears is a nice guy. He just basically won't shut up about the International Jewish Conspiracy. So his parents are from Palestine, which apparently makes that OK, but I'm with you Ed – no need to hang out with idiots.
Robert says:
Armadillo – I check that site frequently. The lead up to Halloween was all about blackface loopholes, and white people lamenting the injustice of not being allowed to do it any more. Apparently, blackface and saying niCLANG are tremendous privileges that have been cruelly revoked.
I am very happy not to have this kind of garbage in my Facebook feed.
blahedo says:
I tend to keep them as Facebook-friends (not necessarily as friend-friends) in part because I'm too stubborn and won't give them the satisfaction, but also because I think it's good to regularly remind *them* that their comments aren't acceptable. As several ethnic-minority people (and other minority people!) have reminded me, it's not *their* job to educate the assholes, but it often falls on them by default. To whatever extent I can help with that, I should help with that.
And J. Dryden, I agree with you almost 100%, but just one thing: everyone should *try* to understand racism. I'm inclined to agree that the endpoint—understanding—may never be possible, but there truly is value in the striving.
jtnRN says:
When I was first dating my future wife (this is well over 20 years ago) she was showing old pictures of her family and we came across a picture of one of her aunts for the early sixties in a Halloween costume – she had on black face, a rope around her neck (held by her boyfriend) and a crudely written sign saying "we want equal rights" (only with misspellings). Her family is not in any way racist that I have ever seen, but apparently what was acceptable in the early sixties was pretty bad.
Khaled says:
I've had people unfriend me for my rants on facebook. Like Ed, I'm kind of a dick, and will usually go for the cheap laugh while saying obnoxious things. Anyone who has worked with me or spent time with me can tell you- on facebook, I actually have the time to *think* about what I am typing, whereas in person, I usually let whatever thought I have fly out, without regards for consequences. Doubly so for when I'm trying to be funny. It is literally a wonder that I was never fired for stuff I said- thank god I worked in the hood for so long, nobody there ever gave a shit what I said.
My attitude towards offending people is this- if someone is willing to cut off all contact over the dumb shit I say, then to hell with them. If they get offended because I make fun of something or someone they care about, well, we can talk about it, but I'm not backing down. If they stop being my friend because our politics are different? That's fucked up- usually because what they've decided to not be friends with me about is racist or other such garbage. If someone honestly believes that Obama is the next Hitler, I cannot deal with level of stupidity. And if that person is offended that I call them out on that stupidity, well then, fuck em.
Major Kong says:
@Skipper
Yeah, ya got me there. If anyone needs me I'll be over here hanging my head in shame.
doug says:
I am confused. I thought we were discussing real friends, not zuckerburg's neat name for facebook 'associates'.
I have one racist friend, and we discuss race a fair amount. I think he would give anyone of any persuasion a chance, but just likes to talk non PC or something. I keep trying, he keeps resisting, we remain friends. If you just keep folks like yourself around you, there is no challenge to your views either. In fact, I would suggest having a racist friend.
Those folks on facebook who put racist shit up is not the type of 'friend' I am talking about.
Skepticalist says:
My friends, at least had to pretend to be non-racist. It was hard for us first year Boomers. It's about as far as many people my age go.
Oddly, it took learning from my pretty much Republican father that almost all his 1employees said they would quit if he hired "one of them."
Over the years I thinned out a number of friends and or contacts who were PITA for several reasons. It turns out most of them were a tad short on tolerance as well. By that statement I guess I am too.
The other day after many years, I saw the old Mel Blanc–Jack Benny Mexican skit on one of Benny's old TV shows. Not so long ago it was one of the most loved comedy skits around. It just isn't the same.
Skepticalist says:
Make that one of my father's 18 employees.
Bitter Scribe says:
What if a guy is racist but you genuinely like him otherwise? And what if that person is your supervisor at work? That's the situation I was in some 25 years ago, and I'm sorry to say I didn't contradict him.
This guy wasn't overtly obnoxious, but he made the distinction between "blacks" and "niggers" that made me cringe when I heard Chris Rock repeat it years later.
jaktheyak says:
Honestly, I think just unfriending them or whatever, while a good idea, should be upgraded to "cut the cord and explain why on the way out." Nothing elaborate, though, don't waste your breath. For example:
"It's clear you aren't willing to learn why it matters that your behavior offends me, so we're done. I want you to know that, as a direct consequence of your belligerent and unapologetic racism, I want nothing more to do with you."
Maybe if enough of us do that, there might be enough of a consequence and inconvenience to such assholes that they will at least consider being silently racist, if not actually genuinely examining their beliefs and becoming better people.
Xynzee says:
@LK: I guess I'm sexist. I immediately assumed your friend's spouse was male. Shows my perceived stereotype of a racist. :)
I'm really happy to see the bulk of people here do show humility on such a hot issue. I know I can be both an intentional dickhead or victim of my own social ineptitude/awkwardness. and I appreciate that people people try to bear with my faults. If I were to give into my own intolerances, I'd have a social circle of me, myself and I.
I have friend who is a real shirt off the back kind of guy, and there for me in a bad situation. One day we saw a side of him, where a mutual friend and I were, "WHOA!! Where did that come from??!" It was quite an extreme statement. As long as that particular racial group didn't come up—easy enough to do—he was great to be around.
Sometimes though I think everyone can be a little bit too precious and read offence into anything. Baa Baa Blacksheep. The episode of Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam where YS is a Confederate soldier and Bugs does a blackface and Lincoln gag. Which in my mind the thrust is at actual historical events, which I've been told no longer receives air play—I can stand to be corrected.
terraformer says:
Damn that's one of the better posts I've seen in awhile, Ed. Not that the others weren't good or anything…
Nick G. says:
Most of the behavior described in Ed's post and the comments is obliviousness, pure and simple. I'm pretty young and I remember when racism directly implied that the person in question believed in racial superiority or actively hated one or more races other than their own.
I can get the tumblr-esque response of "It's not my job to educate you," or fears of nimwits JAQing off (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/JAQing_off), but when everyone has that attitude, no one wins. At best, you get to feel superior because you have a more nuanced view of other ethnic groups than the girl at the party, pretending she deserves as much contempt as an Aryan Nation member.
Double Nickel says:
Just this very evening I got a fb friend request from my older sister (by 16 yrs), who is a perfectly nice old lady who happens to be very racist, although she would deny that completely. I post a lot of stuff that ridicules racism. This is going to be awkward.
Peggy says:
I feel like all of these "very nice except the racism" people need their descriptions edited to "very nice to ME, because I'm not a member of $minority." Like the way that after a particular couple of my acquaintance broke up, all of my dude friends were like "he was so nice!" While I kept loudly inserting "…to YOU, because YOU HAVE A PENIS." Dude was not nice to women and the bros didn't see it, but you better bet we ladies were less surprised.
Anyway. Those racists we all know who are super nice except for that whole racism thing? They are not actually nice. Just like if your date is rude to the server, s/he is NOT ACTUALLY NICE.
JustRuss says:
I have a friend who I consider pretty liberal who recently made a remark about all those funny names black people give to their children. I was pretty shocked but let it go, she's kind of famous for lacking a filter between brain and mouth, and in the 10 years or so that I've known her it's the only racist thing I've heard her say.
Yann says:
Like a few others have touched on, I've decided not to unfriend racist facebook "friends" of mine because I think it's useful, even incumbent upon me, to see those perspectives and be regularly reminded that they're out there.
In my Canadian city, Aboriginal folks are the target of the most vitriolic and widespread racism. It's quite common amongst white people here, and often shocking in its audacity. But of course, so many of those I associate with are never exposed to these views – maybe in passing on a comments thread or at family Christmas. So when a blatantly over-the-top racist nearly won a seat on our city council through a campaign exclusively focused on her racist views towards Aboriginal people, nearly everyone I know was shocked.
I don't want to be shocked next time. I want to know exactly what is out there – see it on facebook, hear it at work, at family gatherings, public events, read it in letters to the editor – and confront it head on knowing the scale of the problem.
I can appreciate, though, that the sheer toxicity of so many of these people – and the stubborn repetitiveness of their stupid arguments – can be exhausting to face day after day.
ladiesbane says:
I might be too late to the game, but there are a lot of reasons why I don't automatically dump friends when they show some racism.
Most folks I know have some lumps in their gravy — by which I mean: they are progressive or fair-minded, but have some areas of obliviousness. Sometimes they are protective of those areas. Yes, it's terrible and wrong to believe you are one of the GoodGuys™ and therefore it's okay when you defend "Redskins" as a team name. But with some thoughtful conversation, these folks can come around.
I am happy to be the non-aggressive friend who argues that it's not actually okay, and Here Is Why. I don't care about winning arguments or noble posturing; just want to feed those starving brain cells and let them come around. (The same goes for folks who are pretty conscious of their bigotry and pretty okay with it.)
This is related to my feminism, which obliges me to speak out against such bullshit rather than divorcing myself from it. Again, this isn't a shaming conversation, it's a friendly PSA to someone who is embarrasing him- or herself by speaking from the ass.
And that's my last reason: because if I ditched anyone who did that, I would also be obliged to ditch the GoodGuys™ who show their sexism, classism, their homophobia, their ageism, their ableism, and so on — and then I would be a hypocrite, too, since I am pretty sure there is bullshit I'm still trying to get out of my own system. No, I am not likely to get my 77 year old career Marine uncle from the south to march in Pride parade, but I can engage his sense of fair play to the point of admitting that gay folks are taxpaying citizens (his mantra) and as such should have a voice.
Friendly education helps people grow. I know it helped me. Having a "you're not perfect, I can't be around you" attitude isn't changing anything. Bigots are the people we need to talk to, not just talk about.
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