I have a number of hobbies that involve collecting things, primarily coins. Accordingly I like to scan eBay for bargains regularly, finances permitting.
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One thing that sellers like to do when in possession of a collectible item of no particular value for which there is no demand is bundle them into huge lots. If nobody wants to buy a 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd baseball card, even at a price of 1 cent, then…maybe a lot of A THOUSAND 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd cards for $20 will be more appealing. Because there's, like, more of them. Isn't that a good deal? Think of how many items of no value you'll have.
At this point I'll abandon the thinly-veiled analogy to the 2012 field of Republican presidential contenders except to note that I am not entirely convinced that Herman Cain and Oil Can Boyd are different people.
We raging liberals understand better than anyone that Barack Obama is beatable. His approval rating isn't good and he hasn't succeeded in making, well, anyone happy with his endless efforts to make everyone happy. But as we all learned in 2004, a vulnerable President won't lose just because he's vulnerable. The other team still needs to come up with a decent candidate to beat him. That's the rub for the GOP next year.
Everyone knows which side my bread is buttered on, but I mean this as objectively as possible: this field is terrible. Absolutely, indisputably terrible. One must go back to the Democratic field of 1984 or perhaps the 2010 Cleveland Cavaliers to find a bunch of losers this sorry. The primary season is going to be a sad parade of the lame, the halt, and the ugly. If I was a Republican I would be frustrated as hell right now. Obama is so beatable and yet he'll likely survive simply for the lack of an alternative.
Skeptical? Seriously, look at this gaggle of losers. It's like the lineup of speakers on a second-rate National Review cruise. I shudder to think that we actually have to watch this jug band of woe play its mournful song for the next two years.
Newt Gingrich? The thrice-married born-again Catholic (which means his serial infidelity has been forgiven) was washed up 15 years ago, yet his Jupiter-sized ego mandates the formation of a presidential exploratory committee to spend extensively on polling that will tell him that he is unelectable. His name recognition is sky high. You know what else has high recognition among the public? Herpes.
Donald Trump is the Fred Thompson of 2012, the candidate around whom the media and TV junkies will create a buzz because of his "excitement" factor and "celebrity" status. Trump is a social liberal and pompous egomaniac currently on his 4th 19 year old Eastern European wife. His only potential asset is the endless amount of his own money he will piss away in service of his own vanity. The odds that his current "I might run!" feints are cynical efforts to get more attention (read: money) stand at about 99.7%.
Speaking of, does anyone think Sarah Palin is serious about running? Actually, as schizophrenic as she is, she might be. Who really knows. But it's more than plausible that this is all a marketing plan for Sarah Palin, Inc. Why bother running for office – remember, she quit her governorship in less than 2 years – when she can make millions on ghost-written books, TV shows that require no effort to make, and speaking appearances for which she doesn't prepare? Palin is a national punchline with zero chance of defeating anyone, as her appeal is limited to an exceptionally dedicated, almost cultlike herd of diabetic rednecks, housewives who haven't had sex in 8 years, and future abortion clinic bombers.
Michelle Bachmann is insane. I do not mean this in the casual way one would describe an acquaintance (i.e., "Mary? Oh, that girl is crazy!) No, there is something wrong with Bachmann. She is mentally ill. That glazed, vacant look in her eyes, those tinfoil hatted conspiracies, and the Real Housewives of What the Hell Happened To Your Face? perma-smile add up to someone who needs professional help and most likely immediate medical intervention. Seriously, whatever you think about conservative policy positions is irrelevant here; Michelle Bachmann is absolutely fucking crackers.
Haley Barbour – Seriously, he's running. I couldn't make this up. – is an exact replica of what prejudiced Northerners think Southerners are like. Beyond that he is the Webster's definition of a good ol' boy party insider. If you think a sweaty racist who sounds like Foghorn Leghorn is a threat to win any states outside the former Confederacy and the Plains of Sadness, I have some magic beans to sell you.
Herman Cain is a black guy. That is his selling point; he is here to make Teabaggers feel less racist. See, look! We let a black guy in, and some of us even voted for him! He'll do exactly as well as a 5th-string AM talk radio host would be expected to do.
Romney, Mitch Daniels, and Tim Pawlenty could feasibly give Obama a run for his money. They're sane (albeit misguided), polished, and relatively experienced candidates…so of course they have no chance whatsoever of surviving the Republican primaries. Romney? MORMON HERETIC! VOTED FOR GUB'MINT HEALTH CARE! MASSACHUSETTS LIBERAL! Combined with the fact that he has changed his position on every issue about five times, he seems unlikely to appeal to the base. Daniels is a conservative apostate by virtue of his "truce" on social issues and his refusal to stand behind Wisconsin-style anti-union legislation earlier this year. Tim Pawlenty is…holy balls, I spent 10 seconds trying to think of something to say about him and I got so bored that I'm ready to jam a syringe full of meth into my eyeball. If I'm lucky that will buy me 2 or 3 minutes to think about him without losing consciousness.
Where does this leave us?
Mike Huckabee? Ex-Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer? Cult leader Ron Paul? Or do we assume that one of the potentially electable candidates – presumably Romney – somehow slips through the primaries? This is a question to which the answer is irrelevant, because if you're asking it, you're already in big trouble. Nothing says "We're screwed" quite like a party debating whether Mike Huckabee is a serious candidate or hoping that Mitt Romney can somehow make it to the general election.
This field proves beyond a doubt that if you take 12 shit candidates and bundle them together, you get 12 shit candidates.
Justin says:
Did you just diss one of my favorite pitchers ever? I do believe you did. I'm crushed.
No Name McGee says:
Well done! One of your best posts in a while. Nicely done, Ed.
Comrade Luke says:
I'm a bit worried about Hunstman (sp?).
daphne says:
I'm not sure Bachmann is a Real Housewife so much as she is a Stepford wife.
cromartie says:
Huntsman is also a Mormon.
And I can't wait for the Maurice Clemmons commercials to start airing. Nothing like some good old race baiting to take care of the Huckster.
eastriver says:
12 for '12. The Dozin' Dozen.
wetcasements says:
"His approval rating isn't good"
Compared to whom? I'm hardly an Obama cheerleader (I will be voting for him) but his approval rating, despite the 24-7 racist smear GOP machine, seems pretty good to me. He's close enough to 50% approval.
Just sayin'. I'm thinking that if a few things go his way we could be looking at a Mondale-Reagan type of election.
What gives me a sad though is that Sarah Palin might not actually run for the nomination. An Obama vs. Palin general election would be excatly the comedy laff riot our great country needs.
Alvin B. says:
Well, I think right now any self-respecting Republican is staying out merely for the fact that the teabaggers are still ruling everything. Decent republican politicians (if there are such a thing) are likely just hoping that this whole teabag thing will blow over and plan on running 2016 instead. Nothing will kill a political career faster than running in the wrong pack.
Turok says:
Even though I am a black liberal, I find it highly offensive that a black man cannot be conservative without being painted as a token.
comrade x says:
Why should the GOP even care if they win in 2012? They are allready getting everything they want: a new war, tax cut extensions, ultra- friendly big business policies. Yeah, they're going to bitch because it isn't their guy getting the credit, but Barrack Obama isn't rocking the boat for the class they all belong too.
Tim H. says:
Don't see it happening, but what if one of those guys wondered "What would ike do?" they'd be doomed in the primaries, but Eisenhower would seem progressive, even compared to Obama these days.
mother earth says:
Great post. Bachman scares me.
a says:
I can only repeat what Comrade x said…
& Huntsman deserved a mention…
Mrs. Chili says:
I am in love with you, Ed. I've been despondent and despairing lately, and this post served to lift my spirits, even just a little. Thank you.
Shane says:
I hadn't heard of Huntsman yet, clearly not paying any attention at this point, so I did a quick search. One of the first headlines I found was "Jon Huntsman used to be a shaggy-haired keyboardist in a REO Speedwagon cover band."
Middle Seaman says:
I laughed all the way to the comments. Your commenters, by the way, don't sleep and I always was proud to be a working person; we need to sleep to be a stiff.
Turok: we do have a conservative black: Obama. What else do you call a huge supporter of the banks and one who ignores the poor.
Palin has the instincts none of the other has, hers are way better than Newt's. Never underestimate a fascist.
Obama has one major chink in his banks supplied golden armor, liberal and semi-liberals may stay away from the pools. After all, I'll have to hold my nose, strike that – cut off my nose, to vote for him. I voted for him in the general, but he didn't con me; he was clearly an inferior candidate.
It may come down to a choice between a Mormon and a moron; too bad for the country.
displaced Capitalist says:
I could actually tolerate a Romney presidency (I'm from Massachusetts and he wasn't so bad here–and I'm not just talking about MassHealth)
It's a pity that he probably won't survive the RINO allegations.
Turok: I think Ed's referring the the Republican Establishment's view of any African American candidate. The "oh ho ho, that's nice, boy. Now get to the back of the bus now, y'hear?" attitude. Granted, it's just as bigoted to create a strawman such as this, but there you have it.
HoosierPoli says:
It's not like Republicans had a candidate in 2008 either. The modern Republican party is so forged in the image of George W Bush that they need someone who can play that same sort of "all things to all crazy people" role, and it turns out, W may have been a once-in-a-generation politician. Who knew?!
jeneria says:
Bobby Jindal? Scott Walker?
displaced Capitalist says:
Well Hoosier, I think it was his "aw, shucks" demeanor which helped. The problem is that was before the Tea Party movement labeled him as a RINO and traitor to the country.
The only equivalent now is Pawlenty, bit he's a little too invisible right now.
J. Dryden says:
Given the rigorous fellating he's receiving from so many circles, it looks as if some powers-that-be are trying to position Paul Ryan as a potential candidate. Of course, if his budgetary version of the Contract With America falls apart, and it may well do so, that's another one for the dustbin.
Monkey Business says:
I think the GOP is about to find itself in a world of hurt, and they have only themselves to blame.
In their zeal to deny Obama even a single victory and capture an electoral win, they created a monster in the Tea Party. The Tea Party was good for getting a lot of hardcore right wingers to the polls, but it almost certainly cost the GOP the Senate with candidates like Christine O'Donnell and Sharron Angle. Now, the GOP has serious budget cuts on the table from a Democratic Senate and President, and they can't take them because a third of their caucus will revolt and they can't make it work with Democrats, because that would be giving Obama a victory.
As for the election, I can guarantee that each week is going to be a comedy cavalcade of candidates, each trying to out-crazy the others in the hopes of capturing enough votes to get to the general election, then promptly get their asses handed to them by being forced to defend statements that are so out of the mainstream as to be borderline lunacy.
Romney and Daniels might be the only electable candidates out of the bunch, and one won't survive his signature legislative accomplishment and the other won't run.
I hope everyone is all stocked up on Depends, because this is going to be a pants-shittingly hilarious and depressing election season.
acer says:
What Alvin said. There isn't much way for someone like W or Ronnie to get through a field that's so desperately in thrall to nativist fools, Dittoheads and libertardians. The moderate GOP reminds me of haggard parents controlled by their whining, endlessly demanding adolescent offspring. Hard to be at all dignified. And weird indeed that W seems like a moderate.
@Turok: There just isn't much more to say about Cain, unless you think any regional AM toy-thrower would have a shot. There are black conservatives who are way too complex to be played as tokens (Condi Rice, Larry Elder, Colin Powell), which is why they're not much good at "firing up the base."
Hawes says:
Excellent rant. "Plains of Sadness" "Real Housewives of What The Hell Happened To Your Face"
You won the Internets for today with this one.
Doctor Couth says:
At least Oil Can Boyd generally pitched well against the Yankees, meaning that he's contributed more to the advancement of humanity than all of these assclowns combined.
Erin says:
I'm pretty sure the 1987 Topps had the wood paneling. If so, that was the first time I saw Oil Can Boyd on a baseball card (or even heard of him).
"Jug band of woe" is still making making me break into giggle fits. Excellent post Ed. Thank you.
acer says:
Also, yeah, this might be the catchiest G&T post since "Treatment Effects in Plain English."
Angry Geometer says:
Who the fuck saved WIC and the tax cuts for the lowest income bracket and in the process saved over 2 million families from going below the poverty line? Who eliminated the Medicare donut hole, helping hundreds of thousands of poor seniors? Who reformed student loans, helping hundreds of thousands of poor students?
Not you, not Jane Hamsher, not Alan Grayson, not Anthony Weiner, not Russ Feingold. It was Barack Obama. Millions of poor people have been helped by his policies. While you were being emo on the internet, millions of families are going to be able to eat tonight because the president fucking did something.
So please don't bother to vote. You'll only just end up filling in the bubble for Pat Buchanan by mistake.
Hazy Davy says:
"jug band of woe " –> sounds like a hipster goth album. Probably a collaboration between Jack White and Marilyn Manson.
Sarah Palin is sure as shit running. I don't know why. I would think that her current role as high-paid speaker, Tea Party "Kingmaker", and highly-paid celebrity would be much more rewarding for her than either a successful or unsuccessful presidential campaign. Still, there are more people supporting her than you'd believe, and I wouldn't be surprised if she got the GOP nomination.
Pawlenty/Huckabee ticket would beat Obama, right now.
Toot, toot.
CaptBackslap says:
There are so many great lines to choose from in this post, but I think "jug band of woe" is the winner. Although that may be partly because it sounds like a really good Achewood storyline.
bob_is_boring says:
Ed, I love ya, baby, but:
"second-rate National Review cruise. "
is redundant. Practice precision!
/snark
also:
"Real Housewives of What The Hell Happened To Your Face"
Win.
Elder Futhark says:
Well, let's see.
Newt Gingrich: All the charm of a colostomy bag. A talking one at that.
Donald Trump: Remember Steve Forbes? A turd. Think fetid turd with bad haircut.
Pailn? That fucking shrill shriek. Her best chance is to have her nipples chewed on by a litter of Down's Syndrome babies on live TV. Better, team up with Charlie Sheen, and let him chew on the nipples.
Bachmann: That Mad Cow cannibal glaze in her eyes is a sure sign that she is a Wendigo. Soon to star in a holiday horror movie called "North Woods", in which the nation learns of the long-standing Northern European tradition of eating Chinese babies for Xmas eve dinner. Can you say kuru?
Haley Barbour: He's got the Diabetes Vote all locked up, but is that enough?
Cain: Aside from being irreparably black, his negritude is far too complected. Plus, he's a rancid asshole.
Romney: Alien. A Jew will win before a Mormon. An atheist will win before a Jew. That's just the math.
Daniels, Pawlenty, Santorum, the Paul(s) (is it true he fucked his sister to create Rand? Like in Chinatown?, Huckabee, etc. Velveeta cheese on Wonder bread.
jjack says:
As an Alaska resident you nailed Palin perfectly. She quit a pretty influential political office half way through a first term to earn out her multi-million dollar advance on her book tour (all "DURRR ALASKA ISN'T EVEN A REAL STATE DURRRR" aside). Her whole shtick these days is just doing or saying whatever will rake in the dough. She will not (seriously) run for office because it does not pay as well as whatever racket she'd have to give up.
Facehammer says:
Whuh-oh, Ed! You mentioned Ron Paul in a less than worshipful light!
Expect the hordes of flying monkeys to descend shortly.
anotherbozo says:
I just googled Mitch Daniels and found this website:
http://formitch.com/
I looked at the pic and got coffee up my nose. Nothing funny in any objective sense about motorcyclists, but gimme a break!
As to the rest of the field, I going to want to see birth certificates. I think they're all from Mars.
John says:
@Turok: "Even though I am a black liberal, I find it highly offensive that a black man cannot be conservative without being painted as a token."
While I would normally agree with such sentiments, this description of Cain is accurate.
I called into his show a little while back when he was doing a segment on some NAACP racism accusation or another, and he's doing the usual "There's no such thing as racism, they're just playing the race card" schtick. I point out that yes, there's almost no *overt* racism, there is a lot of subtle, "clever" racism that is quite openly racist, but delivered in a deniable way. My example was the whole "BHO" meme, how at CPAC they would have speakers shouting "Barack HUSSEIN Obama", and the crowd would go nuts. Now, nobody says "William JEFFERSON Clinton" or "George WALKER Bush", and it's insulting to try to claim that you're "just using his middle name" when there's not a person in that room that doesn't understand EXACTLY what you mean by putting hugely-stressed emphasis on "Hussein".
Cain's response was "That's just a distraction!"
Not even two instants of thoughtful reflection or genuine back-and-forth about an undeniable phenomenon. Just an out-of-hand dismissal.
And that is because Cain's role is to assure far-right extremists that they're not *racists*, it's just those darned lib'ruls playing The Race Card™.
chautauqua says:
What? No Orly Taitz? I'm crushed.
jordan says:
Hahah plains of sadness. Great article.
Shelton Blake says:
If mitt is serious about taking the Reagan mantle, he needs to put the fix in with mormon.org sos they come out with a new pre-roll video ad:
My name is Ronald Reagan and I'm a Mormon.
Screamin' Demon says:
Angry Geometer, the O haters just don't wanna hear it. Obama didn't transform America into a Progressive Paradise®™ with a pony in every backyard thirty minutes after of the oath of office, so to the Firebaggers he's an abject failure. I'm not happy with some of the things he's done, but to say he's screwed the poor is just asinine. Any one of the occupants of the 2012 GOP Clown Car would happily screw the poor in the ass with a spiked 13-inch dildo.
Iko says:
I fear for my sanity because for once in my life I agree with Ann Coulter (just typing that made me shudder .. brrrrr), but Chris Christie is the one for Obama to fear. I realize he's said he's not running, but with the messy field of GOP candidates, described so well by Ed and the commenters, the eventual Republican nominee can probably get in the race fairly late, so there is some time.
He communicates exceptionally well, even when he's lying (maybe especially when he's lying).
Da Moose says:
I'd like to run as a GOP candidate in a parody fashion and be the first president to win pretending to be someone he is not (George W's 2000 campaign anti-nation building promises not withstanding). Sort of like the Stephen Colbert of politics. I think in the current political environment such a goal is entirely achievable based upon the absolute and complete idiocy of some Americans and the deep cynicism of others. Combine the current environment of willful ignorance with fatalistic cynicism and you got yourself a recipe for a faux "legitimate" GOP candidacy. Let's hear it for John Wayne Jefferson Davis everyone! Jack W.J. Davis, the next president of these here disunited States.
Southern Beale says:
A drunken Tim Pawlenty staffer terrorized a 15-year-old girl at 3 am in Iowa. LOL. Yeah it's pathetic but we'll end up with a T-Paw or Mitt.
eau says:
Nice work, ed.
Funny. And true. Funny AND true.
Ellie says:
"If nobody wants to buy a 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd baseball card, even at a price of 1 cent, then
Ellie says:
"If nobody wants to buy a 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd baseball card, even at a price of 1 cent, then…maybe a lot of A THOUSAND 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd cards for $20 will be more appealing. Because there's, like, more of them."
Clearly, you haven't spent much time around artists. Specifically, around "alternative", "found object" type artists. The kind who like to make artistic statements about things like the mass-cultural replication of the masculine image, and/or the numbing ubiquity of the all-consuming sports image and/or (if the cards are in bad enough shape) the manifestation of decay upon the fleeting nature of (re)produced celebrity. Etc.
If you had spent time around the right people, then you would understand why a thousand 1987 Topps Oil Can Boyd cards is WAY better than just one.
Voice of Canuckistan says:
Screamin' Demon: "Any one of the occupants of the 2012 GOP Clown Car would happily screw the poor in the ass with a spiked 13-inch dildo."
I wanted to find a picture of that on the interwebs: a three-piece pinstripe suit wearing clown (+ monocle) with a huge spiked stap-on giving it hard to a scaggly hobo wearing a hat with the top popped open like a tin can. I thought "It could be the new Republican Party logo". But the search led me to a Japanese website of dubious distinction. I may have received malware. Cue the jug band of woe.
Blue Moon Odious says:
As always, the snark is excellent.
However, should ANY of these folks run, the Halperins, Scarboroughs, and the rest of the Village will anoint them with great wisdom and seriousness. Look how well they performed with W. and Dick: a several-time business loser who could barely string two sentences together combined with a man with all the empathy of concrete were feted and regaled by these psychopaths because it paid well and made them look savvy in the eyes of their friends.
If the GOP ran Gingrich/Bachmann, Dick Cohen would laud their "gritty fortitude." Will Saletan would pronounce their crackpot policy agenda as "counterintuitively brilliant." If this pair went above 35% (in a Rasmussen poll) Brian Williams would look straight into the camera and seriously proclaim the election to be neck-and-neck.
PS the GOP network has become largely superfluous when it comes to elections.
Anonymous says:
…and he hasn't succeeded in making, well, anyone happy with his endless efforts to make everyone happy.
Obama hasn't done anything to make me happy. Quite the contrary, in fact.
I won't be voting for him again.
~
Arslan Amirkhanov says:
Obviously the GOP noise machine will support their candidate for the most part, but several intellectual conservatives(yeah, they exist) voiced deep concern about Sarah Palin late in the 2008 race. There were also some jabs at McCain even from some conservative pundits, which is why I got the feeling that they didn't want to win that race. Americans tend to blame whoever is in the White House when problems crop up, and on cue people in March 2009 were blaming Obama for the economic collapse.
I wonder if they want to win just yet.
WhiskeyTango says:
Well, OK, I'll vote for him again. But only because the alternative is so unimaginably hideous. I'd prefer an actual liberal.