The holiday shopping season is upon us, which means it is now incumbent upon you, the American consumer, to rescue the economy by spending like a PCP-addled Powerball winner. Don't have the money? Well of course you don't. But you DO still have those credit cards, right?
One of your hardest tasks on "Black Friday", aside from maintaining a high state of situational awareness (keep those heads on swivels to avoid being trampled like a Peruvian soccer fan), will be to find the perfect gift for that special wingnut in your life. You know, the Uncle who forwards dozens of weekly emails about our President's uncanny resemblance to the Biblical antichrist, the circumstances of his birth, or his impending plan to beat 10 Marines to death with a Koran every day for the next 2 years. Or maybe you have a little one in your life who you're trying to nudge down the correct ideological path; the gifts you give today can pay huge dividends down the road. When little Billy is in college 15 years from now, snorting drugs off his john's naked back, you'll be sorry you wasted the 2010 gifting season on Sonic the Hedgehog's return. Instead, why not give him a gift that he'll love now and benefit from later?
I'm big on shopping, of course, so I'm here to help you with some tips for the shopping season that I guarantee you will not find elsewhere. Shh! Keep these to yourself. Other shoppers are your competitors, and you want to keep your edge! First, a few general Black Friday shopping tips.
1. For the best 5:00 A.M. sales, anxious bargain hunters will begin lining up Thursday evening. Get the jump on your fellow shoppers by burglarizing the store a few days in advance. Better yet, conduct careful reconnaissance of the store's delivery schedules and hijack the truck en route. Trucking companies are heavily insured and drivers are instructed to offer no resistance.
2. It's too late to bone up on your Krav Maga skills, but advance planning is the key to prevailing in violent encounters in the toy department. Remember that there are no rules in a street fight; an effective tactic is to politely allow a competing shopper to cut ahead of you in line and follow up with a sharp, debilitating hook to the kidneys when his or her back is turned. Sure, they might get that limited edition Barbie, but they'll have to celebrate that victory while pissing Hawaiian Punch for a week.
3. Ignore the fallacious argument that things are cheaper and easier to find on the internet. Let the suckers fall for that. You should be in line at Best Buy no later than 2:00 AM on Friday morning if you want to get this year's hard-to-find electronic items like the Droid or Nintendo Wii. Likewise, the only way to get this year's hot toys is to exchange elbows Charles Oakley-style with suburban cow people in a dimly lit Wal-Mart parking lot in the middle of the night.
That's all well and good, but it leaves open the most important question: what to get? Here are a few trending items to keep an eye on. If you hope to land these popular gifts you need to formulate a shopping strategy now!
Good luck this Friday, and remember: if you can't get 'em in stores there's always eBay. Or whatever wingnuts have created as "the conservative response to eBay" since I can only assume they have some sort of moral or ideological objection to it. Then again, they swallowed a Meg Whitman candidacy…
Matthew says:
Oh man, I had forgotten just how fucking hilarious you can be when you're not using your humor solely to point out how horribly depressing everything is. To the best of my recollection, you hadn't done something with quite this tone in a while. I didn't even realize how much I'd missed it.
Prudence says:
And on that note, happy Thanksgiving, Ed!
doug says:
Know Your AEI Talking Points
and for more money, the deluxe edition comes without Paul's photo….
Thanks, Ed.
Happy Tday to all.
MIchele says:
Yay for Black Friday rants! But it almost seems as if Tea Party people live in an alternate reality…? Oh, wait.
c u n d gulag says:
LOL!
I'm giving my rightie friend and family members a word game they'll all love:
SBRACCLE!
It's the Teabagger version of SCRABBLE.
If you correctly spell anything, you lose points. But, if you can get "NIGAR," "SOSHLUST," "HILTER" and "MORAN" in the right configuration on the board, not only do you earn triple 'wurd poyntz,' you get to make the signs for the next rally. This guarantees hours and hours of competitive fun for the whole family!
As a side gift, you can also purchase "Teh SBRACCLE Dikshunry." It has seperate sections like: "Speeling," "Daffiinishuns," and "Uzaje," for easy reference.
You can also get the travel version of "SBRACCLE" that handily fits into any Medicare scooter, so you take it to a rally and have your friends join in. Of course, if any 'nigar' shows up and wants to play, tell them they automatically win and bring them immediately to the stage for maximum camera exposure.
Joe Bauers says:
"Have I No Shame?" by Ben Stein
That alone was worth the price of admission.
acer says:
Introducing teaBay, the auction site for Producers, where you'll ALWAYS pay full retail. Have your immigration papers scanned, 'cause we card hard.
yam says:
Introducing teaBay, the auction site for Producers, where you'll ALWAYS pay full retail. Have your immigration papers scanned, 'cause we card hard.
The Win is strong with this one.
Da Moose says:
Don't forget dinosaur saddles and autographed copies of the Bible signed buy J.H. Christ himself.
zach says:
"Suburban Mario World alters the appearance of Mario & Luigi to feature 60% less wopness."
Easily one of the funniest sentences ever published on this blog.
anotherbozo says:
Matthew stole my lines. Anyway hilarious. There's so much to mock these days, it's hard to keep track, but thanks for making my day, anyway.
Hobbes says:
Indeed, win. Thanks for making being at home on my mother's floral print couch slightly less painful, Ed.
Drouse says:
I was going to suggest Teaparty Jesus, but He was asked for his papers and deported because he was from on of those Muzlyn countries.
J. Dryden says:
And we G&T readers have another column to put with the "Alli Side Effects Breakdown" in the Funniest Fucking Things I've Ever Read On This Site.
Not to get treacly, but in the spirit of the holiday: Thank You, Ed.
The Man, The Myth says:
thanks ed – thats funny.
BillCinSD says:
Wait, I thought the proper way to shop on Black Friday was to figure out which of your neighbors are lining up for the sales, go into their house and take their best stuff for yourself. I guess I'm a little behind the times
Greg says:
Ed's finally lost it.
Erin says:
BillC- you just opened the door, Man. Now EVERYONE will know that Christmas shopping tip. Looks like a lame gift-giving season in my neck o' the woods.
In regards to point 2; doesn't Krav Maga translate to "Kill people armed with rocks with M-16s"?
Jado says:
They're OK with a Meg Whitman candidacy because she was effectively the OWNER of eBay, or one of those mysterious PRODUCERS we keep hearing about. So she's OK.
But only liberal fascists use the internet, so they won't be going online anytime soon. Besides, everyone knows that a mouse is a tool of the devil – it has a tail, doesn't it?
QUED (that's how ya spell it, right?)
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