NPF: THE MOST RIDICULOUS COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER NAMES

Posted on | by Ed

This seems to be a popular series, what with the preference, even among intelligent people, for sophomoric humor inherent in names that sound funny. So let's keep the balls (foreshadowing) rolling with a journey through the pure, unadulterated awesomeness that is college football player names. Perhaps it is because there are so damn many college football players, but this group is stellar. I could throw a dart at a room full of college football players and be guaranteed of hitting someone with a name that sounds like a bodily function or contains a slang term for the male genitals.

Since amateur athletes don't appear on trading cards, this week's installment will have to be sans pictures but I have included links for verification. That last part is important, as you're going to be quite convinced that I'm making these up. Without further ado and in no particular order (although I do think #1 is the best):

10. Jerrod Gooch – In some but not all social circles, "gooch" is slang for the skin between one's scrotum and rectum. You know. The taint. So, in essence this is Jerrod Taint.

9. De'Cody Fagg – Let's overlook the bleedingly obvious for a moment and ask what in the hell that random apostrophe is doing in his first name. I don't think anyone named "Fagg" needs additional elements of his name working against him, but this appears to have been some kind of late 1980s fad (see: Sen'Derrick Marks, Cha'pelle Brown, Al'Darius Thompson). This name was a headline writer's dream, allowing chestnuts like "Fagg Sustains Injury" or "Hurricanes Secondary Unable to Contain Fagg."

8. I-Perfection Harris – What the fuck.

7. Craphonso Thorpe – To think that someone actually sat down and intentionally named a child "Craphonso" is mind boggling. And his middle name is Ja'Won. There's that goddamn apostrophe again. Was this some kind of late 1980s contest to see who could make up the dumbest name and saddle their unfortunate child with it?

6. Kyle Sackrider – Gay escort? Gay porn star? Male stripper? The career options are literally limitless for young Kyle. Aim high.

5. LeQuantum McDonald – While many college athletes have only token interest in their academic work, McDonald made the honor roll and received his Bachelor of Science degree in LeQuantum Physics.

4. Ray Ray McElrathbey – Anyone named "Ray Ray" must have a last name that rhymes or sounds phonetically pleasing when paired with the alliterative first name. Something tells me that "McElrathbey" could rhyme with Ray, but I haven't the slightest goddamn idea how to pronounce it. So that remains unconfirmed.

3. Damarius Bilbo – While it is widely recognized that one does not simply walk into Mordor, Damarius Bilbo simply walks into Mordor whenever the hell he wants, along with his friends Samwise and Frodo.

2. Barkevious Mingo – I don't understand this world anymore.

1.5 Lucious Pusey – Deadspin found this guy a few years ago and began a relentless campaign of mocking his name, and they were right to do it. They kept it up until he not only legally changed his name to Lucious Seymour (I'd have gone with Lucious Seymour Pusey) but he went Wolverine on the responsible writers. "When i make it to the league i will shoot a middle finger at y'all and say fuck all my haters. I am the realest." He did not prove to be the realest.

1. Jim Bob Cooter – This is like the perfect name. It is peak hillbilly, peak Southern, and peak juvenile. It is also the name of a man who would crawl through a bedroom window uninvited, disrobe, and get into bed with a woman he does not know. Congratulation, JBC. You are creepy and worthy of our derision in like nine different ways.

Which deserving gentlemen did I forget?

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