ED BUYS A HOUSE FROM BARACK OBAMA

Posted on | by Ed

Many Americans are aware of some of President Obama's professional pursuits prior to arriving in Washington – lawyer, state legislator, community organizer (which is like being the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska but without the crippling depression, paint huffing, and incest), and more. What you may not know is that Mr. Obama is also an accomplished architect, contractor, and home builder. The man can design your dream house from scratch, draw up the blueprints, and turn it into a three dimensional masterpiece in a matter of weeks. While his current responsibilities leave him with precious little spare time, our President still manages to sneak away from the White House to turn someone's dream home into reality on rare occasions. Imagine how excited I was to have the opportunity to be one of his few customers. For posterity, I recorded the conversation (yes, with his consent).

BO: "Hello, Ed. Thanks again for meeting with me today. Before we get started I want to reiterate our uncompromising vision: that every American live in a good home, one that is affordable, comfortable, and environmentally responsible. At Obama General Contracting, Inc. we are committed to making this a reality for every American."

Ed: "Tell me a bit about how you achieve those goals."

BO: "Certainly. Well, for starters we use recycled lumber and brick. We design the layout of the home and its windows to minimize the need for artificial lighting and heating/cooling. On that note, we install geothermal heat pumps to regulate temperatures without fossil fuels or electricity. Then we triple-insulate the walls (including insulated windows) to minimize energy loss and install the most water- and power-efficient appliances on the market. Oh, and if our customers are OK with it, we also put auxiliary solar panels on the roof instead of tiles. It won't power the whole house, but it helps. We do this all within the budget of each individual."

Ed: "Hmm. Sounds impressive, but there are a few changes I'd like to see. Can you work with me to meet my unique needs?"

BO: "Of course! I value nothing more than a harmonious working relationship between builder and client."

Ed: "Super. OK. First of all, instead of the geothermal heat thingy I'd like an antiquated and preferably dangerous 19th century steam boiler system. I plan to power it by burning styrofoam cups, open buckets of used motor oil, and a sampling of endangered hardwoods from around the world. Second, I don't want any windows. For interior lighting I want dozens of whale blubber lamps throughout the house, but I also want one giant lightbulb installed on the roof so that I can continue to waste the same amount of electricity I'd use if I had electric lighting."

BO: "…uh…what?"

Ed: "Stick with me here. I'll also need an enormous chamber dug beneath the house so I can have giant pieces of glaciers trucked in during the summer for cooling. Oh, and no insulation. I've been reading a lot of Murray Rothbard and I've come to the conclusion that the unimpeded free market should decide how much it costs to heat and cool my home. History has shown that attempts at regulation are inevitably inefficient, not to mention statist."

BO: "I…um…I don't think I can build you this house. It's…not exactly what I'm comfortable doing."

Ed: "What? I didn't even get to the best parts yet – the toilets full of children's tears, the radium fireplace, the automated sentry gun that fires hundreds of hollow point bullets when the doorbell is pressed, the Holocaust-themed décor, the massive compressor that will allow me to periodically vent weaponized anthrax into the surrounding neighborhood…"

BO: "…Is this a joke? If you're serious about any of this, two words: no way."

Ed: "Well if you want to build a house you're gonna have to meet me halfway! It's not like you have any other clients at the moment. And besides, you love compromises, right? Working together? Forging agreement?"

BO: "I…I guess so. Let's, uh, see if we can compromise on a few of the more 'unusual' details."

Ed: "Here's what I'm thinking as a compromise: you build exactly what I asked for and leave out all that fruity shit you mentioned at the start. Remember, either you build me a house or you don't build one at all."

BO: *sigh*

"Even if I agreed to do it, this monstrosity would cost millions of dollars. I don't think you can afford it, frankly. So doesn't it make sense to work on a few of these details?"

Ed: "Yeah, here's the thing: I'm not paying a penny over $100,000 for this house."

BO: "Are you nuts? The cost of materials alone will be in the millions."

Ed: "Not my problem. Raise the prices on all of your other lots to make up what you'll lose here. I'm your most important client."

(At this point the President sat lifelessly with his head in his hands for approximately 10 minutes in resigned silence.)

BO: "OK."

Ed: "OK what?"

BO: "OK I'll do everything you asked and I'll meet your price. I can't believe I'm doing this, but…(writes up details of the proposed transaction)…here you go. I need your signature here and here."

Ed: "…nah, I don't think so. You didn't really do enough to meet me halfway. But just wait until everyone sees this monstrosity you offered to build me. You really screwed up here, sir, and you deserve all of the criticism you're about to get."

FIN

19 thoughts on “ED BUYS A HOUSE FROM BARACK OBAMA”

  • ChicagoPat says:

    Lather, rinse, repeat. You left out how your Real Estate agent (the press) keeps telling Obama how unreasonable he's being, that the customer's always right, that its a "pro-pollution" neighborhood, etc, etc…

  • Chris says:

    Ahh, the 21st century Socrates. We now have the Allegory of the House!

    So true, Ed, so true. I just heard on MPR this morning that 'more people than ever distrust the US Gov't'. Apparently trust was rising until Obama took office, then plummeted. They sort-of, kinda touched on how Republicans hate Obama, and are 'energized' to get their views out. Then my wife made me turn it off to stop me ranting.

    Think about it, trust was _rising_ until Obama took office. ??! Hopefully I misheard.

  • Crazy for Urban Planning says:

    Chris? Admittedly I didn't listen to Nice Polite Republican (NPR) Radio this morning – but is that what they really said? Holy Cow! Trust of government was rising? Who's government? Maybe Germany's? I would say Merkel appears trust worthy to me… but G W Bush? No.

  • Jimcat says:

    Maybe most of the readers of this blog wouldn't have had an increased trust of the government during the Bush years. But I heard plenty of suburban parent and grandparent types saying since 2001 that the most important task of the government was to keep us safe. And since the World Trade Center hasn't been destroyed again, the War on Terrorism must have worked! QED.

  • Erin says:

    Sounds like the perfect home for the nucular family.

    ChicagoPat- "pro-pollution neighborhood" is ace!

  • Crazy for Urban Planning says:

    "pro-pollution neighborhood" is ace! That is classic! I love it. I'm going to whip it out the next chance I get!

  • Robert says:

    Chris, my take on 'trust was rising until Obama took office' is that post-election, pre-inauguration, there was a surge of 'woo-hoo, maybe we won't die in the rubble of a post-apocalyptic hellworld after all'.

    Then, after the inauguration, he started the slow morph from FDR=>JFK=>Clinton=>Carter that some of us are trying to
    discourage.

  • beau says:

    It just occured to me that Neal & co. are strangely absent from this thread. But man, when someone explains this post to them (I'm thinking Lisa & Bart with the little sock puppets), watch out!

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