I tend not to watch a lot of TV, and what I do watch tends toward either surrealist comedy (Frisky Dingo) or non-fiction programming (think Discovery Channel specials about how coffee beans are harvested and processed). For someone who enjoys getting angry at glorified mediocrity and outright stupidity, TV is not a good way to enhance health and sanity. Lots of things on television make me want to punch someone – American Idol, any sitcom with a laugh track and/or on Fox, The Real Housewives of Wherethefuckever, and that show on cable that is honest-to-god called I Want That! – but the programming that has me on my knees every night praying for a comet to hit the Earth is the recent proliferation of bride-themed "reality" shows, namely Bridezillas and to a lesser extent Bulging Brides, Rich Bride Poor Bride, and Say Yes to the Dress.
It's bad enough that we raise girls in this country to believe that getting married is life's ultimate accomplishment, one's wedding is the most important day in life (not because marriage is important, of course), and getting married is a process one must start planning at age six and, when it finally happens, nothing less than Barbie's Dream Wedding will do. Having dipped my toes in the wedding industry during my engagement, I became aware of just how powerful the external factors encouraging this sort of behavior are.
Men don't spend their entire lives getting bombarded with this shit, thank god. But that privilege means that it is all the more shocking when we are finally taken behind the curtain. To this day the words "Bridal" and "Expo" used sequentially are enough to make me reach for a weapon. I/we quickly discovered that it is impossible to have a wedding industry wedding for less than $10,000, as ten-cent napkins magically become $4 "wedding napkins" and the scum of the retail world do their best to convince you that conspicuous spending on trivial bullshit will determine your worth as a human being.
Yeah. We're currently planning a very pleasant ceremony in someone's backyard with catered tacos. But I digress. Why do the television shows piss me off so much?
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This already unbearable experience has gotten dramatically worse on account of contemporary movies and television that not only reinforce the Barbie Dream Wedding, everything-must-be-perfect-for-your-special-day mantra but they add to it the idea that women have a right (perhaps even the responsibility) to act absolutely psychotic throughout the process. Wedding Time is a twelve month excuse to be, in the common parlance, a complete bitch. To everyone. About everything. Even when the brides on these reality shows are shown at their worst in an effort to get the audience to hate them, I can only imagine what effect it has on the subconscious of a ten year-old girl. Whether or not they realize that the show is no different than Springer or Maury Povich – a freakshow intended to make viewers feel better about themselves – the message is clear: this is how people act when they are getting married. If anything isn't exactly how I want it I can fly off the handle and shriek hysterically at whoever happens to be nearby. He or she will forgive me because I'm planning a wedding. It's OK to act like an asshole. It's OK to engage in behavior so socially aberrant that it fits the definition of an actual psychological diagnosis (see title).
My better half was involved in a wedding party for a Bridezilla a few years ago and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences imaginable. Friendships were strained, money was pissed away, and even those of us who only had to watch from afar could scarcely wait for it to be over.
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Now that my social circle is getting to That Age I get the sneaking feeling that I'll have a few more of these experiences in the near future.
Is it all the fault of some bad cable television shows?
Of course not. But if you wanted to present a solid counterargument to the claim that allowing same-sex marriage would in some way be derogatory to the institution, you could do a lot worse than asking what could cheapen it more than the cynical cash grab and bridal freakshow that is a modern American wedding.
queenrandom says:
6.5 years later and I still wake up in cold sweats related to the nightmare that is wedding planning. We did the big ceremony (although skipped about half of the "must haves!" such as dead vegetation adornments, er, I mean, floral arrangements) mostly for family. I so very much wish we had eloped. Although, from your description, I am very glad we decided to take a big dose of fuckit with regards to bridal expos. The mere thought of them made me (well, still makes me) want to lay my head gently into a woodchipper.
Amanda says:
I swear, after being engaged back in 2003-2004 and planning what would have been a $10,000 wedding, there is no way that's going to happen this time. I've been behind the curtain, seen the horrors, and now I think we can still have a classy wedding without promising our first born.
I think part of the problem with these shows is also that a wedding is believed to be a life-changing event, that it symbolizes a new start to "the rest of their lives" but honestly, more people need to realize that at this point it is just a way to celebrate a commitment the couple is making along with family and friends. You're going to spend $7,000 on that dress, but you're still going to be sitting down together next Thursday night to watch The Office and 30 Rock. Head on down to David's Bridal and get a cheap dress and maybe spend the leftover money putting a down payment on a house, or paying off the ring that your fiance had to finance because you wanted the 3 karat rock, or maybe putting it into savings so you don't have to fight over finances which causes a hefty amount of divorces…
I'm excited to get married, and I am also thankful that I understand what it means and what it doesn't mean. Let's celebrate, but not go broke or be unrealistic in the process.
Maren says:
Ugh. I had a wedding mostly for family as well (I wanted to elope, but his parents were going to be genuinely broken-hearted if they didn't attend), and even the seven weeks I spent planning for a very modest 35-guest affair drove me nuts, in large part because of all the stuff that I didn't care about which my mother convinced me I HAD to do (register for fancy china, make the bridesmaids wear matching shoes, etc. etc.) It was a pretty and pleasant day that everyone else remembers fondly, and which still makes me cringe in retrospect because it felt so artificial and not like *us*, because we're both somewhat private and shy people who didn't really like being on display. I had one brief Bridezilla moment, when we were getting ready to cut the cake and I didn't have a plate and asked if someone could get me one and my guests just giggled at me, and I suddenly got incredibly huffy and basically demanded one, feeling so frustrated and worn-out after all the stress and sleep deprivation and the unexpected 90 degree weather, and everyone makes fun of me for that to this day and I still feel like an idiot.
But yes, this "license to be an asshole" thing boggles me, and I have one close friend in particular who's very close to getting engaged in the near future, and whose engagement/wedding-planning I am absolutely dreading based on her recent drama-queen behavior at *someone else's* wedding.
Aslan Maskhadov says:
What are the chances of an American marraige these days? 60% chance of divorce? Higher or lower? Does the average marraige last three years, or less now? It seems like the Wedding and Funeral industries are competing in order to see who can fuck everyone the most. At least with the death industry, you can rest assured your corpse isn't going to burst through that casket with a five-figure price tag.
And what's the deal with all these brides still wearing white these days? How stupid do they think we are?
Julie says:
I actually ended up making a profit off of my wedding. Our expenses, including rings, materials for my dress (I sewed it) and wedding liscense were less than $200 total. My mom took us out to lunch afterward and my husband's mom gave us a gift of $700. The whole thing was done in our pastor's office with our two guests. We've been married for two years now and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way we did it. No stress, no regrets, no debts, just looking forward to being married to the person I love for the rest of my life.
Maybe people act like assholes because corporate pressure to spend a ton and do a bunch of shit you don't want to do would drive anyone crazy. Just let it go and do what you like.
Nick says:
Luckily, the only wedding I've had to be a part of planning involved two friends who are about the most laid-back people in the world–the Bride-Rage-O-Meter never went above "mildly annoyed," and even that was for perfectly legitimate headaches. It wasn't a tiny wedding–about 100 people, at a nice reception hall kind of place–but the bride and groom weren't any more stressed than most people get about a holiday family dinner. So it is possible to have a nice, large wedding without freaking the hell out about it. Unfortunately, fewer and fewer people seem to be recognizing that fact.
On a tangentially related note re: "To this day the words 'Bridal' and 'Expo' used sequentially are enough to make me reach for a weapon"–the first time I bought a firearm at a gun show, the other half of the expo center was housing a bridal expo. Sometimes I love living in a red state.
In all, I think this Achewood strip more or less sums up how I feel about weddings:
http://achewood.com/index.php?date=05292008
"Any cake is a wedding cake if you call it that."
baldheadeddork says:
Hey Ed – know another thing that's really annoying about weddings? Once you bring it up everyone wants to tell you their stories.
Sucker.
Mrs. Dork had the full dream wedding for her first go around. Everything went swimmingly, until her father detoured from acknowledging her maid of honor to a non-PG remembrance of his experiences in the Holocaust. (For bonus hell points, everything he knows about public speaking he learned in three decades of being an engineering professor.)
On my side of the family, I have a brother who – as Dave Berry trademarked I am not making this up – got married in a gun club in Wolf Lake, Indiana. Because he wanted to get married in a gun club. He saved a little money by asking one of the guests (Hi!) to take down the PBR and Stroh's signs in the chapel and replace them after the ceremony. My other brother, who was in the wedding party, made special sheets of blotter acid for the occasion.
My own wedding was…wonderful. We got married in the courtyard of our favorite restaurant. It is a little place so we had to keep the guest list under 40, and they were amazingly good and a terrific bargain. They opened four hours early on a Sunday for our ceremony and reception and only charged us the menu prices for food and wine – no extra charge for opening early or using their courtyard for the ceremony. In lieu of a rehearsal dinner we had a pizza and karaoke party at our house the night before, our cakes came from Publix (don't laugh – it's good cake), our wedding bands were ordered from eBay, and our photographer was someone with years of experience as a hobbyist who was breaking into the wedding business.
We saved a ton of money and had a great wedding mostly because, with the single exception of her dress, we didn't use anyone who made their living primarily from the wedding business. Ride that as far as you can and you'll save a fortune.
johnnyboy says:
It's always mystified me why ANYONE would take such a financial hit (assuming they aren't a spoiled blueblood couple who's parents are footing the bill for it all) on the very first step in their lives together. All the things which that money could pay for (down payment on a house and/or furniture/appliances/etc. for same, future children's college, pay off loans, basic savings) are ignored while the cash is needlessly sucked into the giant silly vacuum of wedding NONSENSE for a one-day party that will barely be remembered by anyone, including the lovely bride.
My sister's wedding cost about $110,000 and I just smile when she cries "poor" now. And they are doing the same thing for their daughter next year. It's the stoopid cycle of life.
Wonder what the wedding industry would look like if only men planned weddings and women didn't care. I picture a kegger and steaks as the dinner with sweats as the required mode of dress. I'd actually love to go to one of those.
I thought the point of those reality shows was to reveal the sick idiocy that are today's weddings instead of glorifying them… maybe I missed something. If I only knew how to sew or bake fabulous cakes, I'd be a rich man.
Liz says:
"Wonder what the wedding industry would look like if only men planned weddings and women didn't care. I picture a kegger and steaks as the dinner with sweats as the required mode of dress. I'd actually love to go to one of those."
They would look however the massive industry marketing them to men made men think they should look from the day they were born. Wonder what bbqs would look like if only women planned them and men didn't care? Oh wait, this isn't 1956 and–get this!–some men openly give a shit about wedding planning (ask the author) and some women openly give a shit about smoked and slow-cooked meats (ask me, his fiance).
Shane says:
Hey Ed, A hearty Congrats to you and Liz, as usual I was completely clueless. I wish you both a fun filled and stressless day.
I will contribute two points to this discussion:
First, I will take the chance to say that our wedding was actually pretty great, inexpensive and totally stress free. We did a Ren Faireish wedding at a local park. My mom made the dress and cake, we had jousters and an actual May pole, and because my husband has always been a huge Fat Tire fan, we had a bicycle throwing contest. We ate roasted turkey legs and drank lots of beer. We were actually wed by a druid who did our handfasting and my brother-in-law who got ordained online. We still remember the day as one of the most fun we have ever had in large part because everyone else was having fun too and not just sitting through some boring celebration of us. Do whatever makes you happiest.
Second, to completely support the point you are making: The night before last we were talking with our 4 year old daughter about her day at school. At her preschool they allow a little bit of time to play "educational" games on the computer. We asked which was her favorite and to my horror she said Barbie.com. We asked why, and she said because she liked desiging her wedding ring, decorating her wedding cake, and designing her perfect wedding dress. I was disgusted. The marketing of this bullshit begins before they even walk in to Kindergarten.
doug says:
This breaking news is related….yet another way to make money on the wedding…..
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/03/british-couple-make-porn_n_379319.html
Megan says:
What amuses me is that all of these $10,00+ weddings look EXACTLY alike. The bride may have spent 12 months and lost 3 friends planning, but the ceremony (something few couples bother to think about 'til the last minute) and reception look exactly like every other over-priced wedding. For all of that money, it seems you'd invest in a little individuality – but I guess that's the point, creative (Tacos – love it!) weddings don't cost a fortune. Ours was traditional (not wedding-industry traditional), but exactly what we wanted and it cost less than $3,000 (including the honeymoon). I'm sure yours will be lovely, Ed, and if you and Liz choose to have a child I trust you'll be able to combat the industry propaganda!
Aslan Maskhadov says:
Shane, see if you can get your daughter a copy of Oregon Trail. That is THE game for schoolchildren.
Ed's Sister says:
Could not agree more. The saddest part of it all is that many couples get so caught up in the planning of the day that important issues, i.e. you want kids and I don't, or I buy a new TV every year while you're saving for retirement, remain unaddressed. Yes, married people do like to give advice about their own wedding days, and whenever I give mine it is this: your wedding day is just that, one day. Young couples are far better off putting all that money toward a down payment on a house and spending the time making sure they want the same things out of their life together.
waldo says:
The mere thought of them made me (well, still makes me) want to lay my head gently into a woodchipper. he he
TV made me love America. The first thing I saw on TV (in 1955) was dear old George Reeves…SUP.. ERMAN !!!!…TRUTH, JUSTICE, and THE AMERICAN WAY.
I believed, and loved. And what you love as a child, even though you realise as an adult that nothing's perfect, you still love, as you loved when a child. Well, I do, anyway.
But yeah, neoTV sucks bigtime. And having played piano at hundreds of weddings, I know how obsessive women are about it.
Just another sandfly bite I guess.
Nate says:
Congrats on the engagement, Ed and Liz. :)
Sarah says:
Heck, as far as a dress goes if you have basic sewing skills (or know someone who does) you can make a really great dress yourself. I took a sewing class in high school and one of my classmates made her own prom dress for less than $100.
But yeah, girls do get a steady diet of this pro-marriage crap (Barbie dream wedding, Disney princess movies, et cetera, and now, of course, Twilight) and those of us, like me, who don't buy into it get the subtle and not-so-subtle messages that there is something wrong with us.
JohnR says:
Eh, weddings are like final exams – no matter how much agony and fear you go through beforehand, there's a deadline and after that, it's done and you can go have fun. The consequences, of course, linger for years..
Personally, I look at the wedding excesses kind of like I look at Lady Gaga or her equivalents – let them have their fun; you're not young for nearly long enough and everyone should have something to look back on and feel ashamed about later on.
My only feeling about weddings now is that I wish some wise elder had told me ahead of time that it was like a 3-week PMS session. I would have kept my head down more. I love my M-i-L for her sense: when my soon-to-be threw a fit about how I was a dirtbag and she hated me and was going to call off the wedding, MiL calmed her down by pointing out that (a) the presents and some guests were already here, (b) people were flying in from Hong Kong and would be pissed, and (c) soon-to-be could always divorce me afterward. Shrewd woman!
Best wishes to you both, and don't forget those 3 little words that are so important in a marriage: "You're right, dear."
Jex says:
I like dressing up, and if a wedding is an excuse to get dressed up and hire a band (or bands) for mad, all night dancing, I'm in. What I don't understand is why most receptions end well before midnight. If it weren't a wedding, everyone would say how lame the party had been. If/when I get married I need to find a venue that has sleeping quarters and allows an all night party, maybe two days in a row.
It horrified me at first, but a friend attended a wedding in the middle of nowhere that was catered by KFC. The longer I think about that the better idea it sounds. Take the chicken out of the bucket and hide the slaw, and few would notice and fewer would complain. KFC is better than the majority of the chafing dish nightmares I've attended. Biscuits.
Andrew says:
Ours was essentially the same story as Julie's, although we married in a small chapel off of the sanctuary. We have been married 14 years as of Wednesday, December 2.
TV: Ed, if you have not checked them out, I recommend Modern Family on ABC and Community on NBC. Both funny comedies with great scripts and casts.
Amanda says:
Congrats Ed and Liz! I'm clueless too.
Amy says:
Catered Tacos – can I get an invite… I won't show up, but I'll send a nice gift. Like maybe a subscription to the best blog out there – Gin & Tacos.
steve says:
My wife and I married young and spent thousands, as did our respective families. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have that money back, where it could have been put to so many better uses–paying for school, starting a business, etc. Unfortunately, we had to experience it first hand to fully recognize the insanity of it all. Congrats and best of luck with your nuptials.
Da Moose says:
This is so fucking true especially for many southern women. My sister-in-law, from the South, married my brother a couple of years ago in Charleston SC. Much, much money was spent. But, in this particular case, not only were the bride and groom required to spend a sheit load of cash, but the entire wedding party was required to spend a lot as well. That wedding must have put me back about 2500 and I didn't even get laid. About 2 months before the wedding, she sends out her "requirements" list to all the groomsmen telling them what she wants them to wear for the wedding. She picked items that were only sold at Nordstrom or Bloomingdales. The cheapest ensemble I could find brought my grand total to 800. The next time I saw her before the wedding at my folks’ house, over dinner, with 10 members of my family listening, she asked me all sweetly if I got her list. I said yes and that I was trying to wait for a sale before purchasing. An uncomfortable pause ensued. Suddenly, I was the insulting future brother-in-law who had the balls to put her wedding in jeopardy if I couldn't find the right color 300 dollar shirt in time for her wedding. At that point, it became clear why social aberrations like the Holocaust occur in societies. They didn't get a wedding gift.
jeffteaches says:
Vegas, baby…The wife loves to gamble (hell, she married me!), and it gave 30 of our friends an excuse to come, too. Nice ceremony in one of the strip chapels, buffet afterward, and everybody paid his or her own way. No gifts. We told our friends that making it to the ceremony was enough.
My best friend married a rich, young lady with all the obsession, all the bells and whistles, and all the fancy venues, but guess which couple is still together.
woundedduck says:
I had a "small" wedding (less than 75 guests) but it was still way too much. I've since taken to advising any of my friends contemplating a wedding to stop, drop, and elope.
And Frisky Dingo is the best show of all times.
Daniel says:
Throughout history, sitcoms with a live-studio audience have a 100% better chance of succeeding than sitcoms with canned laughter. Look it up online, there's got to be a site somewhere that backs this up. Think of the best sitcoms of all time, and tell me how many of them had laugh tracks as opposed to real audiences.
I am also convinced that people make the dumbest decisions of their lives at weddings. People constantly fuck up the Best Man. In my opinion you always have to go by brother or father if possible unless there's some estrangement in play. My dad had his oldest brother be the Best Man about 35 years ago. This same brother of his got married a few years later and picked a friend for that same role. It's never been the same since between them for that reason and about twenty others. My cousin is getting married in one year and has already told one of our mutual aunts she isn't invited to the wedding. It was essentially because she moderately insulted his future wife. The reason isn't good enough. He's insulted her too and he's breaking the the Golden Wedding Rule: Don't go out of your way to piss people off.
Andrew says:
I hope the catered tacos are served with gin. Best of luck!
Mike says:
We recently went through this process. It took about five evening phone calls of wedding planning with well meaning but demanding parents to convince me and my bride to be to go for the city-hall-during-the-lunch-hour-marriage-ceremony. We both wanted a small wedding hosted at the parents' house. We couldn't even convince our parents to trim the guest list to below fifty. That was the depressing part. There was this absolute insistence on inviting at least person X if person Y was invited. Here's the great part: while our parents were somewhat upset about us practically eloping… nearly every relative we heard from gave us a private congratulations and a "I wish my spouse and I had done that when we were your age." That was priceless. My relatives all had huge 20k plus giant catholic wedding extravaganzas.
Nick says:
Hey Ed.
A friend of mine and his fiancee were recently on Bulging Brides. His now-wife wasn't large at all, but they signed up at a bridal expo for the free personal trainer and dietitian. They're both laid back people (the are from Vancouver BC after all) and this really came across on the show. The presenters really tried to make the most of her eating plan 'digressions' (a bottle of wine at dinner with friends – oh my!) and ended up looking like they were really pulling at straws for some sort of drama.
I watched the show the next week and the couple were total psychos, though…
Love your blog. Keep it up and get over the pig flu.
Oh, and Andrew – great recommendation on the TV shows. They both crack me up!
Comrade PhysioProf says:
There better be motherfucking GIN!
Dennis-SGMM says:
Most of our friends had elaborate weddings. My wife and I were married by a pastor in a simple ceremony sans guests and trappings. We've been married 31 years now. Most of our friends have been divorced. Overly elaborate wedding ceremonies strike me as an attempt to buy a successful marriage instead of doing the footwork that it takes to make one.
jazzbumpa says:
We got married in the judges chambers at the court house on a Thursday. My son and his wife (fiance at that time) were the witnesses. We had a nice lunch afterwords that day, and then a dinner at a restaurant for close family over the weekend. All the expenses we had were for the meals.
Except for the ick factor of the miscreants and their shyster lawyers hanging out in the hallway before our nuptials, it was a pretty good plan.
Cheers!
JzB the happily married trombonist
Desargues says:
Shows about Bridezillas are not really the sign of cultural apocalypse in America. They're just giant infomercials, much as men's sports show slowly seem to be turning into — vehicles for selling people shit they're increasingly unable to afford, and shouldn't have considered in the first place. For the corporate masters who own this country, we only matter as buyers of shit; teevee shows are really on a par with early socialization into pre-set gender roles, and part of the general ploy to keep us spending. (The acquisition of pliable politicians is also part of the strategic plan to increase earnings.)
This, on the other hand, is the sure sign that the Empire is in its death throes. That, and the continued existence of Billy Bush. It's over, people. We're fucked. As a friend of mine says, when the aliens land, we'll make great pets.
When it got time to make an honest woman out of my missus, I called my credit card company to ask them bitchez what had they done for me lately. The guy on the phone offered six grand, which turned out to be enough for the mini-wedding we had and a honeymoon. While he was processing my request, he shared that his sister had spend 200 thousand on her wedding, only to divorce a year or two later (of course, she got stuck with her share of the debt). I guess the sister must have grown up watching Sex and the City, where I hear that the writers had the Carrie woman marry her squeeze after a 10-year long dysfunctional, intermittent "relationship." I wonder if it's a show written by gay men who hate women.
A piece of unwanted advice, Ed: When we searched for a photographer for our wedding, I first asked around among photography majors at our local art college, in Baltimore. It was an inspired idea — we found this girl who took beautiful, unconventional and really cool photos of us for only 250 bucks. Win all around. I'm sure Georgia must have an art institute or two.
Desargues says:
A scholarly gloss: by 'unconventional,' I meant 'awesome because so distinctly unique,' not a euphemism for 'we ended up with some really weird shit.'
Macattaq says:
I am thinking that perhaps this is part of an overall symptom of our society, although I am having difficulty pinning down just what it is. Parallels can be drawn between this and the excuse, "I'm on my period" or the statement among men, "She's a woman." Granted, one does have biological manifestations and perhaps the other does not. But, the fact is, there are excuses made for certain behaviors that would otherwise be unacceptable. This same thing happens with men from time to time. Perhaps, as part of the search for real gender equality, we could start holding each other accountable for our actions and stop accepting excuses.
0rudence says:
congrats, ed and liz! My wedding was in london, at a registery office, just a handful of family and friends. we were going to get married in jeans but mum got her grump on so we upgraded to smarter clothes we already owned, fair eniugh, since she paid for lunch afterwards. no flowers, no cake, lots of booze. if i get married again, it'll be much the same– open bar, live music, no frippery. the wedding industry in the uk is scary but the american princess phenomenon is just so alarming!
Peggy says:
So, I'm also in the throes of Wedding Planning, and it's interesting how much it sucks. I mean, I like to think of myself as the kind of girl who's not at all interested in being A Princess, but I have a large, large family and I want them all to be there and celebrate with me. That itself is putting the possible cost of weddingness into a place that makes me very uncomfortable. (Luckily we've learned that an afternoon reception can significantly cut one's costs–like, in half.) And once you've said yes to one thing–big family reception in a hall!–it gets harder to say no to other things, because you're in the system. My hall keeps sending me stuff like "$200 off your dress!!!!!!" and "custom-designed handmade frills for your wedding!!!!"
TheKnot.com has a great budgeting tool, and a very helpful guest-list feature, but it also works overtime to suck me into the OMG MY FLOWERS HAVE TO MATCH MY PAPER PRODUCTS WHICH HAVE TO MATCH MY SHOOOOES cycle. (Don't worry, I'm still fighting it!)
I think one contributing factor to bridezillaness is the paranoia that everyone that attends or hears about your wedding will JUDGE YOOOOU because "it's your day" and therefore a REFLECTION OF YOUR INNER BEING so if your napkins don't match the Jordan almonds hand-tied into bags made of organic spider silk, you are clearly A WORTHLESS HUMAN BEEEEING!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 and all of the "traditions" you don't want to mess up, because that would be AWFUL and DOOM YOUR MARRIAGE. And it's usually a big-ass planning activity for someone who's not in the habit of planning large gatherings, unless you hire a wedding planner who I assume will be very free with your money.
Anyway. No real disagreement with your post. I want a taco to make me feel better after browsing TheKnot's hundreds of pictures of different kinds of escort cards, most of which were DIY and thematic. [gags]
peon says:
Like some others here I was married by a preacher with very little money involved. We were married for 20 happy years, 5 unhappy years, and are now happily divorced. Guess the cheap wedding isn't the charm needed to be "happy-ever-after". Glad you are resisting tradition with the tacos. We need less meaningless, manufactured tradition.
Prudence says:
Congrats Peggy! Stay the hell away from the boards at The Knot– they are a hotbed of bridezilla insanity. Actually, have a quick read if you're feeling freaked out– their rampant insanity will make you feel grounded and well adjusted, no matter how loopy you're being.
johnnyboy says:
I wonder what Liz would be like if she grew a sense of humor… that comment was tongue in cheek, but I guess I'll have to check my balls at the door so Liz doesn't try to clip them.
johnnyboy says:
And PS Liz, why the attack on me as if I were the only person ragging about bridezillas here? Check the other comments and then become fair-minded. Congrats anyway. I see the virus has already struck.
Steve T. says:
My partner was married before we met and has three daughters, two of whom have gotten married. As father of the bride he didn't really have to do anything but show up (not even pay for it), but I could see the tension. Since it's all but impossible to get him into a necktie, seeing him submit to a tuxedo with good grace was amazing. If gay marriage were to suddenly become legal in our state and I were to suggest it, I'm sure we'd be divorced before the ceremony could be held. Besides, after our 30 years together it would be kind of silly.
If you look at the first Miss Manners volume from 1983 you see that this shit was going on long before reality TV made it worse. To her credit, she barely tolerates what she calls "a form of madness," and certainly does not require it in the name of propriety. I quote her response to a bridesmaid who was facing the wrath of a bride whose demands she had at last dared to resist: "Miss Manners congratulates you on your social fortitude. Miss Manners herself would have cracked before you did."
Marla says:
Fortunately when/where I was married (Boulder CO in the early 80s) lavish, expensive weddings were something people on the East Coast did. My crowd tended to have a ceremony halfway up a mountain at sunset, BYOB and BYOreefer.
I had a moderately casual but not hippie wedding, outdoors of course, for less than $1000 counting our rings, my dress, the cake, the rental stuff, the whole kit and kaboodle. It might have even been less, but I'm not sure what the catering cost. It was a wonderful ceremony, a wonderful reception, and I remember it very fondly 26 years later, but I can't imagine that memory being improved by having spent more money.
Can't people Just Say No to stuff they see on television and the internet?
Ursula says:
Aslan, people like to follow traditions, like animals follow instinct to migrate to the same place all the time. White is simply the color for wedding dresses. It no longer signifies that a woman had never had sex. I am frightened for anyone that is a virgin on the night that they commit to one person for the rest of their life, male or female. That is a key part of a recipe for a shitty life.
0rudence says:
johnnyboy, you made a stupid, sexist genealization and got called on it, so quit whining and grow a pair.
Peggy says:
I'm with 0rudence (Prudence?) on this one, johnnyboy: there's a reason why women are more likely to freak about about wedding bullshit, and it's that women are expected and directed to freak out about wedding bullshit. We've received a LOT of wedding-related junk mail lately. Care to guess how it's addressed? Oh, yeah: DEAR BRIDE. As if I'm just sort of setting this up for my own enjoyment and will slot in whatever man is handy that day, I guess, since apparently the groom adds nothing to the experience…
ladiesbane says:
Ed and Liz, I wish you the best!
Consider the wedding as a thing of parts: there is the ceremony itself, which should be significant for you two, and the (optional) reception, which should be a party worth the price. It's your day. Let it be a joyful experience and a pleasant memory. Monogrammed matchbook covers probably will not be remembered. Your stress levels will.
As a third-generation eloper (my great-grandmother had an arranged marriage and no choice) I prefer our tradition, but it's not for everyone.
Last: Peggy mentioned the cultural emphasis on weddings, and I agree. Every fairy tale ends with our heroine in a big white dress, and marriage is her victory and reward. Instead of the beginning of a new story, the wedding equals assurance of happy ending. Walt Disney should be named as a correspondent in most divorces. Oh, what scary bullshit that is!
As is society's contempt for non-virgins. (Aslan, can you hear me?) Women used to think (religious women still do) that their greatest value was in their panties, and that loss of virginity despoiled them. The ritual of the father giving away the bride, all that — it's about legal transfer of property rights, and it's terrible on that level, even if sweetly sentimental to some.
Having XX chromosomes does not guarantee that I will salivate when I see white machine lace. But start making noises about the importance of virginity the right to wear white, and I will lose my shit. Do not make one more comment against racism or oppression until you have eliminated your contempt for my half of the human race.
Unless it was a joke. (Marriage discussions turn me frantic and snarly, so I apologize for missing attempts at levity. Ha, ha?)
Ed says:
I am trying to talk Liz into letting me and her father trade livestock for the bride in front of everyone. Someone we know has to have a goat.
My theory is that embracing ridiculous rituals in their intended context is the best way to emphasize how stupid they are. But not everyone shares my sense of humor or knows me well enough to know I am not serious.
j says:
First, as bad as weddings are in America, they don't hold a candle to those of places like India or the Philippines.
Second, congrats Ed! I wish I could be there to hear your vows. I'd expect something along the lines of, "I promise to be true to you in sickness in in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. And so help me God, I will voraciously excoriate the mouthbreathing teabagging social detritus marring this fair land as truly as is my heart devoted to this special lady at my side."
Aslan Maskhadov says:
I am familiar with the tradition behind wearing white, Ladiesbane, which is in fact a good argument for abolishing the tradition. I am certainly not expressing contempt for "non-virgins". If we keep this tradition, we might as well legalize some other ancient traditions as well, such as acquiring one's wife by riding into her fathers camp, torching his tents, and then riding off with her across the saddle and perhaps a good chunk of their sheep herd. Now THAT'S a wedding, and you actually get a net profit rather than end up in debt. *
*By profit I mean sheep, and perhaps some trinkets and silks from China. It depends on how thorough you are in the undertaking.
johnnyboy says:
# 0rudence Says:
December 5th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
johnnyboy, you made a stupid, sexist genealization and got called on it, so quit whining and grow a pair.
====
Not even close, but nice try.
I said something that was clearly a joke. Over-sensitive types attempt a hop on the "It's Not 1956" train to make themselves feel like paragons of politically correct virtue. Then folks like you ride their shirttails which is just… I dunno… sad.
If Liz knew me, she'd know I was kidding.. But that's the point of these comments.
Or should I quote Ed?
"… not everyone shares my sense of humor or knows me well enough to know I am not serious."