One could argue that this isn't strictly a No Politics Friday, but I submit that Republic Magazine – THE VOICE OF THE PATRIOT MOVEMENT has leapt several sharks from politics into legitimate comedy. One of my colleagues seized several free copies of it whilst I was photographing teabaggers, and the last time I had this much fun reading a magazine it was 1982, I was wearing He-Man pajamas, and the magazine in question was Highlights. Ironically, the two magazines have many things in common. The primary difference appears to be Highlights' more stringent editorial standards and Republic's lack of Goofus & Gallant.
If this magazine was edited, it was edited by an ad hoc panel of homeless alcoholics. Nestled among advertisements for every single dealer in gold and silver bullion on Earth one finds numerous examples of outstanding writing and editing. In a piece entitled "How to Prosper in these Hard Economic Times" – replete with helpful tips like "1. Cut back on spending" and "4. Change your occupation" – the author suggests that we "move to a different part of the USA which is dong relatively well." As Indiana is dong fine, I am unaffected by this advice.
Mr. Harold Williams ("Surviving Martial Law") prepares us for the complete collapse of society, an event that every issue of the publications throughout THE PATRIOT MOVEMENT has called "imminent" for the last fifty years. He breaks down into distinct stages the transition from normal life to a fascist gulag state. At the beginning, "Since you'll be exposed to controlling troops, please NEVER LOOK IN THEIR EYES!!" That is how they steal your soul. Avoid it. The key to surviving a societal collapse, however, is food hoarding. This is even more important than gold hoarding (note: gold hoarding is still REALLY FUCKIN' IMPORTANT). Since your neighbors are not paranoid smart enough to have hoarded 30 or 40 shipping containers full of dried beans and emergency biscuit rations, they will all want your food. Some of them will want to steal it, but that is OK since you are prepared with a Doom-like arsenal of high powered firearms. The biggest threat to your supply of bomb shelter cuisine is your own kindness.
When you see starving children, it will be natural to want to feed them. STOP. BAD. WRONG. DO NOT FEED THEM. In fact, go to great lengths to conceal the fact that you have food and then beggars won't be an issue. Maintaining secrecy is simple:
Never tell teenagers anything…a sign in front telling the world that you have food will work as well. Do not feed their friends.
In short, "DON'T FEED A KID WHO IS NOT YOUR OWN, NO MATTER WHAT." The magazine (er, "magazine") then gives us an op-ed from Ron Paul, one that reads as though he scrawled it on a Western Bacon Thickburger wrapper while taking a dump in an airplane lavatory. But hey, he's Ron Paul. We recognize that name. He lends "credibility" to this enterprise.
Wrapping things up is a two-page list of "100 Items to Disappear First in a calamity" – with eight additional bonus items "From a Sarajevo War Survivor"!! My favorites: #77 Tang and #100 Goats/Chickens. Not sure why the final two get lumped together as a single item, but I do know that I have a 300 foot tall grain silo full of Tang in rural Idaho so #77 is good to go in Ed's world.
If the survivalist right didn't exist I would have to invent them. That's how much pleasure I derive from them. Note that Republic Magazine offers complete online issues and they'll mail you an old-fashioned paper one if you ask. Dong with that information what you will.
Nick says:
It's not a bad idea to have a few things stored in a "shit hits the fan" box in case of natural disaster/FEMA ineptitude/zombie apocalypse, but I'm not sure that stockpiling solar-powered calculators (#43) is really the most efficient use of space.
Nate says:
I love tang. Can I barter my aluminum foil for your tang? No? How about baby diapers? They are higher on the list.
Can we create a trade value chart kinda like in the NFL draft? I portable toilet (#3) is worth some measure of honey (#9) and soy sauce (#75. Somehow ranked above liquor).
Misterben says:
Reading about this stuff reminds me of when I discovered, and was taken in by, right-wing survivalist silliness back in junior high. (I was raised to be a serious conservative, so of course in junior high I thought I was.) My parents began to realize they had made a mistake when I insisted on discussing food stockpiling strategies, black helicopters, and FEMA bunkers at the dinner table; unfortunately I didn't put two and two together until almost the end of high school. Wow, is it embarrassing to look back on those days.
jon says:
"Dong Incredibly Well"? Is this a continuation of the Teabagging thing? Will there be dickslaps as well?
I'd like to suggest fixing the typo, but won't. I'm enjoying this cultural return to the sophistication of a junior high school.
Kulkuri says:
"Dong well", is that a quote from the Republic Magazine??
As for hoarding stuff, awhile back I ran across a blog by someone in Alaska that said she wouldn't say how much food she had stored as she didn't want the authorities to know so they couldn't come and get it if she had too much hoarded!!
Matthew says:
READING SKILLS – WE HAZ THEM
Second paragraph of Ed's post: 'the author suggests that we “move to a different part of the USA which is dong relatively well.” '
Just in case anyone else thinks that the typo is Ed's.
web dunce says:
The 100 Items To Disappear First intrigues me, especially #17 Survival Guide Book and #80 Boy Scout Handbook. I can understand the food and toilet paper "disappearing" but the other stuff? Where does it go?
On a side note, I had an uncle who was one of those militia/illumanati believers. He bought about $2000 of dried lentils, MREs and water for the impending doom of Y2K. He passed away in 2004, but left behind all this food. I'm sure he'd be thrilled to know that I donated all of it to Haitian relief in 2005.
John says:
Ah, one has to revel in the majesty of Right-Wing American Ultra-Capitalism: The first response to any problem is to Buy More Shit™.
wyodave says:
New urgent desire: "Indiana is dong fine!" T-shirts.
moondancer says:
I had a neighbor that has 500lbs of white sugar in trash cans in his garage. Diabetic coma is a sure thing when the time comes for this teabagger. Or maybe thats the plan, he supplies the sugar for the Red State Army Teabaggers and another nitwit has a pool filled with Real Lemon concentrate.
Ecks says:
I was very disturbed to read that foreign troops are already positioned in America. In fact, I'm extremely angry about this. As a foreigner, those are *MY* tax dollars being spent to pay troops to lounge around behind enemy lines. If the invasion doesn't come in the next few days I'm writing pissed off letters to my MP because we can't afford all that danger pay.
Also I'll be extra pissed off if the invasion happens in Indiana, because it's basically a lot like Canada, but not quite as clean and without the universal health care. I mean, we already have an actual Canada so it just seems like a big waste. Perhaps we could just kidnap Peyton Manning and call it a day there. There are a few stretches of Florida I really wouldn't mind conquering though. And perhaps some bits of California–I hear San Diego has great weather.
George says:
Well, thanks for the tacos! You can keep the Gin as I prefer Margaritas…
Guess you might take that statement to suggest I am preparing for the North American Union or the change of our currency to the Amero, but in reality…I do simply like tacos and tequila.
The funny thing is that I can appreciate the humor of a typo in a obvious place and the simplicity of "tongue in cheek" humor, but read on my young pad-wan and you will gain an insight into our madness when you investigate the fortelling of our recently defunct banking system and the federal bailout that failed to live up to the cures that the snake oil prockaimed.
Nan says:
That's a very strange list — lumping tampons in with shampoo? And coffee is way down there — you'd think that would be one of the first things to turn scarce as all the survivors guzzle it by the gallon so they can stay awake 24/7 while guarding their stashes.
delagar says:
It's the whisk/eggbeater at #8 that gets me. So civilization has collapsed, and we have no electricity, but we still have eggs (I guess you're guarding you're chickens/goats with your Big Dog and your many guns?) AND you're going to, what, take time to make souffles with them?
Obviously someone is not thinking clearly. (Color me shocked.)
Marie says:
delurking to share this: http://bullshit.tumblr.com/post/97281846.
Indeed.
Riggsveda says:
“DON’T FEED A KID WHO IS NOT YOUR OWN, NO MATTER WHAT.”
Hmmm. Hasn't this been one of the foremost principles of the Republican Party Platform since it was acquired by the John Birch Society?