Judging by the recent comments of Senator and fine upstanding American patriot Kit Bond I now declare that the debate about waterboarding and torture has gotten officially Ridiculous. There's nothing the Beltway and the media do better than conducting loud, asinine, and irrelevant Red Herring moral debates. "Oh, the morality! Is it right? Is it wrong? What if it can save millions of lives?" Let's leave morality off the table for a minute. Let's pretend that torture is entirely moral, endorsed by a committee of the Pope,** Walter Cronkite, and Miss America. OK? Once you've immersed yourself in the scenario, answer one very simple yet completely overlooked question for me:
Does torture work?
Better yet, has anyone bothered asking? It's classic American Media c.2007 horseshit – throw the mouthbreathers a shiny colored ball in the form of an overwrought moral dilemma (ooh, look at the debate! look at the screaming pundits! this sure is contentious!) while completely ignoring the fact that torture doesn't actually work. It's all hand-wringing, moral puffery, and feigned pensiveness. Is it asking too much to have one Pundit Debate begin with "Well, is this actually accomplishing anything beyond making us look like neanderthals?" Because it would be swell to think that something so horrible is at least, you know, working.
In typical Beltway Bobblehead fashion the debate proceeds from the assumption that the farthest-right position is a obviously correct (and all the "realistic" "liberals" like David Brooks agree, noting that only the Lunatic Fringe Left disagrees). I dare – beg, actually – anyone to cite a single documented instance of a life being saved thanks to torture. No, Our Leader's utterly non-sequitur, no-supporting-evidence-provided statements that waterboarding "disrupted a number of attacks, maybe dozens of attacks" do not constitute a documented instance. I guess we'll just take your word for it, George!
I further beg someone to support an argument that torture increases the value or amount of human intelligence obtained. The Army's own findings indicate that they obtained almost half again as much information by switching from "coercive" to "rapport-based" techniques. To quote Nice Guy Eddie (Chris Penn, may his coke-addled soul rest in peace) in Reservoir Dogs, "Listen, if you beat this prick long enough he'll tell he started the goddamn Chicago Fire. Now that don't neccessarily make it fucking so! Come on!"
Physical torture is an excellent way to get people to make some shit up so you will stop torturing them. It is not an excellent way of getting valid, actionable intelligence. It's only an effective technique in the minds of lard-assed suburban white guys glued to the couch while Jack Bauer fantasies of "ticking time bomb" scenarios do for them what Cialis can't.
**Fun morality fact: 74% of Catholics support the use of torture compared to only 45% of godless heathen atheists. Man, I wonder why so many people no longer see traditional religious values as relevant?