NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

Posted on | by Ed

So there's apparently a new show on Discovery called "Man vs. Wild." There are so many things wrong with it that I hardly know where to begin.

The show is hosted by some testosterone experiment gone wrong named "Bear Grylls." First of all, that is the worst fake name this side of Vin Diesel. Second of all, he is pretty much a complete ass pirate. I can only hope that some tragic accident will befall him and preclude this show from returning for a second season.

The premise of the show is that Mr.

Grylls indulges a lot of puerile, 13 year old GI Joe fantasies by using MacGyver/Boy Scout-esque "survival" techniques to "conquer" and otherwise quasi-sexually dominate nature. You know, crap like starting fires by rubbing sticks together, trapping wild animals, making elaborate contraptions out of twigs, and of course eating raw insects. It is essentially the most asinine thing ever.

Not only is it not very entertaining, but he does the world a disservice by perpetuating the myth that one "prepares" for outdoor adventures by learning arcane tricks that are almost certain to result in your death in an emergency situation. Now I am in no way a master outdoorsman, but I have learned quite a bit in my occasional forays into undeveloped North America. Therefore, in an effort to combat the harm Mr. Grylls' idiocy has done to public awareness, I have prepared a short quiz:

1. How do you start a fire when stranded outdoors?

  • A: Using the cheap, disposable lighter you were smart enough to bring.
  • B: Rubbing twigs together for 3 hours

    2. On a mountain-climbing trip, you and your group become stranded in a harsh winter storm.
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    How do you signal for help?

  • A: Call the state police on your cell/Sat phone.
  • B: Make smoke signals that no one will ever see

    3. What is the rule for identifying edible (i.e. non-poisonous) leaves and tree fruits?

  • A: What the fuck are eating leaves for? Eat the food you were smart enough to bring with you.
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    What kind of idiot goes hiking without food?

  • B: Leaves of three, let it be!

    4. If you are lost in a deserted area, how do you find your way back out?

  • A: Using the GPS unit you wisely invested 0 in before heading out into Middle of Nowhere, Alaska.

    Or, failing that, a 99-cent compass and a map. Dumbass.

  • B: Identifying the constellations and finding the Osiris star cluster.

    • I hope this has been informative.

    6 thoughts on “NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2”

    • -h says:

      Please tell me you saw it when he urinated on his make-shift turban in order to stay cool…

      I nearly urinated in my make-shift pants when I saw him do that.

    • Scott says:

      "B: Leaves of three, let it be!"

      That is an incomplete statement. You left off the obvious conclusion – "leaves of four, eat some more!"

    • Ed says:

      I did not see that specific moment, but it sounds like something he'd do. I cannot imagine that having a piss-soaked rag on my head would be cooler than having the rag alone, but then again I'm no "expert" like Bear.

    • OutOfDoors says:

      Hmm, so it seems we don't care for Mr. Grylls. That's okay, I'm sure he probably wouldn't care for your company either. Yes, the show is a little contrived. Yes, he probably is getting fed power bars and water from his camera crew. And yes, "Survivorman" is far more hardcore.

      However, the "short quiz" you have in the initial post was enough to make me chuckle. Of course, everyone who gets "lost" or "stranded" in the wilderness manages to have cell phones, sat phones, cigarette lighters, a GPS, a case of Clif bars, a water purifier, and pen flares. Uh huh. I don't leave the house unless I have all that crap hanging from my belt, and carry a giant rucksack even when going to the gas station.

      The point, in case you missed it, is that Mr. Grylls provides some (note, I said SOME) useful tips. Granted, the average person who is wandering into the woods is better prepared. Survivng in the outdoors is not about learning "arcane tricks" so you can wander off into the Sierra Nevada buck-ass naked and live off the land. However, the occasional "acrane trick" can be useful, as when you forget your compass, your cell phone battery dies, your GPS broke when you took a tumble down that river bank, finished your last powerbar, and your 99-cent lighter has no more fuel.

      Those who came before us managed to live without relying on modern technology every second of their lives. Yeah, it's handy. But from personal experience, half the time when you are out in the wilderness, things do not work according to the manufacturer's instructions. The only Ass Pirate in this scenario is the one who relies on technology alone to save their Pirating Ass.

      Maybe this has been just as informative. :)

      OOD

    • Anonymous says:

      Haha, your quiz proves just how useless your ignorant ass would actually be in the wild, thus proving you are on no ground to be critiquing anyone else's survivalist show.

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