Day: December 8, 2006

NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

Posted on | by Ed | 6 Comments on NO POLITICS FRIDAY, VOL. 2

So there's apparently a new show on Discovery called "Man vs. Wild." There are so many things wrong with it that I hardly know where to begin.

The show is hosted by some testosterone experiment gone wrong named "Bear Grylls." First of all, that is the worst fake name this side of Vin Diesel. Second of all, he is pretty much a complete ass pirate. I can only hope that some tragic accident will befall him and preclude this show from returning for a second season.

The premise of the show is that Mr.

Grylls indulges a lot of puerile, 13 year old GI Joe fantasies by using MacGyver/Boy Scout-esque "survival" techniques to "conquer" and otherwise quasi-sexually dominate nature. You know, crap like starting fires by rubbing sticks together, trapping wild animals, making elaborate contraptions out of twigs, and of course eating raw insects. It is essentially the most asinine thing ever.

Not only is it not very entertaining, but he does the world a disservice by perpetuating the myth that one "prepares" for outdoor adventures by learning arcane tricks that are almost certain to result in your death in an emergency situation. Now I am in no way a master outdoorsman, but I have learned quite a bit in my occasional forays into undeveloped North America. Therefore, in an effort to combat the harm Mr. Grylls' idiocy has done to public awareness, I have prepared a short quiz:

1. How do you start a fire when stranded outdoors?

  • A: Using the cheap, disposable lighter you were smart enough to bring.
  • B: Rubbing twigs together for 3 hours

    2. On a mountain-climbing trip, you and your group become stranded in a harsh winter storm.
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    How do you signal for help?

  • A: Call the state police on your cell/Sat phone.
  • B: Make smoke signals that no one will ever see

    3. What is the rule for identifying edible (i.e. non-poisonous) leaves and tree fruits?

  • A: What the fuck are eating leaves for? Eat the food you were smart enough to bring with you.
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    What kind of idiot goes hiking without food?

  • B: Leaves of three, let it be!

    4. If you are lost in a deserted area, how do you find your way back out?

  • A: Using the GPS unit you wisely invested 0 in before heading out into Middle of Nowhere, Alaska.

    Or, failing that, a 99-cent compass and a map. Dumbass.

  • B: Identifying the constellations and finding the Osiris star cluster.

    • I hope this has been informative.