THANK GOD HIS NOMINATION IS NO LONGER DELAYED

Oh, where to begin on the long-awaited nominations to the Federal Circuit Courts of Appeal that have been wasting the Senate's time for about 6 weeks. There's so much to say, and so little restraint available. After a protracted battle of chest-beating in which the President and Republican Congressional majorities made it perfectly clear that they were willing to shit on the Constitution and then set it on fire in order to win approval 9 psychos who base most of their legal opinions on the combined writings of Moses and Henry Clay Frick, the path for their nominations was cleared today.

To better put in focus exactly how many of your rights the Republican party is willing to disregard in its myopic quest for camera time with James Dobson (p.s. – God wants you to send more checks! Quick! Pretend I'm a legitimate clergyman and not a dime-store televangelist who can't keep his hands out of your pockets!) let's take a look at the record of Alabama Attorney General William Pryor, now better known as Federal Judge One-Step-Away-from-the-Supreme-Court William Pryor.

Why Pryor? Well, simply because he's more heinous, and he proves my point better.

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The other contested nominees may be corporate whores, and they're certainly all mindless Bible-thumping drones. But Pryor seems to actually be anti-humanity. I've never seen an elected official come out and make statements like "My job isn't to come here and help children" upon taking office, but Pryor did. He is part of the bizarre, soulless breed of conservative who takes his only joy from victories based in abstract principles while simultaneously and completely disregarding the tangible impact.
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It doesn't matter if unregulated water supplies could poison us – the important thing is rolling back federal authority (which, to get you up to speed, is the antichrist in any and every situation). See, states (remember, he's from Alabama) and the local Pigsknuckle County Board are the organizations that should hold all regulatory power. Yes, it's William Pryor's wet dream to return America to the days before that pesky 14th Amendment came along – the days when the amount of consumer, environmental, and civil liberty protection an individual received was entirely a function of his zip code.

Among his other hits:

  • In Board of Trustees of Alabama v. Garrett he successfully argued to prevent the federal government from requiring states as employers to adhere to the Americans with Disabilities Act. Of the ruling, which effectively eliminates individual recourse if a state/local government refuses to accomodate a disability, Pryor gloated in pride for "protecting the hard-earned dollars of Alabama taxpayers when Congress imposes illegal mandates on our state." Way to go, Billy! Show them cripples who's boss!
  • In Nevada v. Hibbs (2003) Pryor filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court defending Nevada's argument that the Family and Medical Leave Act is an unconstitutional extention of federal power from which states should be immune. Are these the words of a judge or Skeletor? Is he fucking kidding? No, he isn't. Even the Rehnquist court didn't buy that argument. But soon enough, Billy Boy will be in a position to change that. Thanks, pro-lifers!
  • He fought hard in Reno v. Condon (2000) to overturn the Driver's Privacy Protection Act (which prevents personal info from being obtained by – well, basically anyone off the street – through drivers license records) using a state's rights argument. The court went 9-0 against him. Guess what, shithead – when Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia won't buy your conservative argument, you're a fucking lunatic. Oh, wait. Now you're a federal judge.
  • When the Violence Against Women Act was challenged in United States v. Morrison (2000), Pryor made Alabama the only state to write an amicus brief in favor of repealing the law (36 other states wrote briefs in support of it). He chastised supporters as being "so willing to sacrifice their liberty…
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    to the behemoth of federal power." Yes, truly is federalism more important than spousal abuse. Boy, I'd hate to be an abused woman in Alabama. But then again, all them bitches had it comin', right?

  • In an argument that would have gotten a lawyer disbarred and/or laughed off the planet in the non-Bush world, Pryor justified Alabama's failure to enforce the terms of a consent decree intended to protect foster children from being abused and molested by arguing that Alabama's former Governor, former Attorney General, and other state officials had conspired to defraud the state by entering into the consent decree (AL Supreme Court R.C. v. Nachma). Even the Alabama Supreme Court (several justices of which cannot read or write) didn't buy it. Hell, I don't think Thomas Cooley grads would buy it.
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    How on Earth is someone like this identified as someone who can serve the highest courts in the land effectively? God only knows. Wait. I know.

    Pryor explicitly opposes abortion in cases of rape and incest (which usually coincide in Alabama and are celebrated as legal marriage). He supports a law making the state the legal guardian of fetuses from the time of conception until birth – yup, he's really on the lookout against government power. And he told the Federalist Society (feel free to read up on those whackos to get a good laugh and calm down) on 10/16/97 that "At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe and of the mystery of human life.”

    Sounds like a pro-choice argument to me, but I believe he misspoke. What he meant to say was that he holds that right, and the rest of us should be appropriately supplicant.

    Congratulations on your victory, pro-life America! I hope it was worth it. Which it most assuredly won't be if you're female, disabled, concerned about your privacy, or a sexually-abused foster child.