Day: January 5, 2004

Yes, to alcohol–the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.

You're saying, "I know what alcohol is. I know how to drink. And I know how to drink a lot and get drunk.

What can Ginandtacos.com possibly tell me about booze?"

Well listen, you know-it-all little shit. If you don't want our help, go fuck an inflatible sheep. If you want to learn about how you've been abusing alcohol all wrong your entire life and want to learn how to maximize its brain-numbing powers, read on.

Ungrateful bastard.

Drinking in ChampaignIf you happen to live in Champaign, Illinois or are remotely curious what life here is like, take a look at this page. Although I am fairly certain there are a lot of things to do in this city, mostly people just consume booze.

The Ginandtacos.com Guide To Being a Good Bar PatronTrust us, we know what you should and should not be doing in a bar setting. With our help, you might be able to actually get a bartender to serve you once in a while.

The Ginandtacos.com Intoxication ScaleIf you are new to getting plowed, or want to plan out how you want you gone you'll get, you should consult this scientific study.

Ginandtacos.com Official Drinking GamesYour normal routine of drinking growing stale? Try out one of our games to get yourself going.

Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury

Our patron saint, Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury, was born in Newcastle-on-Tyne on the 17th of May, 1735. He was born out of wedlock, the product of a one-night-stand between Captain Morgan and Queen Mary II of Scotland.
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As a young boy, Robert had little contact with either his sea-going father or his mother, who shunned him due to the circumstances of his birth. He was raised by a loosely-knit group of liberal arts students at the local university.

By day, he watched his adoptive family slave away in lecture after lecture, only to graduate without any hope of landing a job. By night, he watched as they tried in vain to get drunk, limited by their poverty and the weak nature of the alcoholic beverages available at the time.

Robert wasn't good at sports or his studies. The girls didn't pay him much attention. Reading bored him. He couldn't hold a job. What Robert discovered, however, was that he had a burning passion to make cheap, fuck-you-up-quick booze with which to solve the problems of liberal arts students and manual laborers everywhere.

Robert's path to greatness was not paved with gold. A long process of trial and error preceeded the successful product for which history is in his debt. Some of his early liquors were too weak. Others were too delicate-tasting. Others were quite good, but would have been too expensive to sell cheaply.

Then, one day, the fortune smiled upon Robert. The heavens parted and sun shone down upon his brew.
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His latest concoction of water, rancid pine needles, and juniper berries came out perfect. It was 44% alcohol, enough to make even the most ornery bricklayer drunk, yet low-grade enough to be sold for $5 per bottle, which was within the price range of liberal arts majors.

Little Robert from Newcastle became a national hero. Soon he was no longer Bobby Burnett, failed moonshine manufacturer — he was Sir Robert Burnett of Shaftsbury, standard-beared of the working class.

Success never changed Sir Robert. Never once did he consider improving his gin's taste, increasing its price, or altering its alcohol content. While he moved to the regal land of Shaftsbury, he still ate tacos for dinner and sat around in his underwear. And even though he became a regular guest in the Royal Court at state occasions, he always showed up piss-drunk and underdressed.

Sir Robert died Jimi Hendrix-style on December 21, 1797, choking on his own vomit while plastered.

It was a fitting end; he died just as he lived.

Few people take the time to recognize the importance of this great man. Sir Robert Burnett — a man without whom a psychology degree would be unattainable.

You know who they are. They know who they are. They are little bitches, and we all have to deal with them. Whether it's that fat kid who's way too into data systems, the Christian kid down the hall who gives you the pro-abstinence speech, or the tool who thinks he's deep because he read one Bukowski short story, everyone has a little bitch or two in their life, and ginandtacos.

com is here to help you deal with them.

First, what exactly is a little bitch? Webster's defines it thusly:

little bitch- n (lit'-uhl bit-ch); a derivative of the human male species; native to suburbs and college campuses; fosters an urge to slap him in all he encounters (etymology: Latin 'litius'=small or childlike, 'bitchum'=one who is a fucking dildo)

That didn't help much, did it? Perhaps we should lead by example. These following links will clear things up for you and help you identify the little bitches in your world:

The Ginandtacos.com Types of Little Bitches chart

The Little Bitch Hall of Fame

The first link is a field guide that will help you to quickly identify a little bitch so that you can safely prepare for an encounter with one. The second link lists some famous little bitches throughout history to further clarify the point.

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What to do if you Encounter a Little Bitch

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An encounter with a little bitch is a frightening experience. However, with a little Ginandtacos.com know-how, you can escape unscathed.

1. Never panic–After all, he is a little bitch. Stay focused, and remember that you have shit out things scarier than this loser.

2. Call him out–Nothing scares a little bitch away quicker than being called on something. For example, let's say a Guy who likes to act sad/smart in front of women type bitch (refer to the chart above) responds to a story you tell with, "That's so postmodern." Simply say, "Do you know what that means, or are you just trying to look smart?" Works every time.

3. Beware of backup bitches–Little bitches usually have sycophants following them around to laugh at their jokes, admire their "intelligence," and generally make them feel like they are not little bitches. Beware these parasites, they give the little bitch badly-needed confidence. However, once separated from these people who follow him around and worship him, the little bitch will remember that he is an assmaster with a really small dick and can thus be neutralized.

4. Don't take any shit–You feel very, very sorry for a little bitch at some point….his ineptitude, over-compensation, and lingering bedwetting problems will foster pity in your heart. You will refrain from destroying him because of your sympathy. However, remember that the little bitch will turn on you as soon as he thinks he can. So don't pass up a chance to point out that he's been using the word "maudlin" wrong for 45 minutes at a party and that Vonnegut is not an existentialist like he just told that pretty girl in the corner….
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get him while you have the chance, or else he'll start ripping you the second his confidence breaks the surface level.